They say we get comfy in our relationships with our S's. Why shouldn't we -they say we trust them -aren't we supposed to? After 19 years all of a sudden I get this MAN who starts verbally abusing me every chance he gets. After his Mother dies. Ok so I think boy he is going trough a bad time only the verbal abuse gets worse. How could he after everything we have done together see AO and then another one. I feel so insuecure now -don't know if I am doing the right thing all the time - I question myself all the time. I hate feeling like this -I used to be a confident woman. Now I question myself at every time what I do -what I may say. Its like I am just so screwed up -ungly, fat, old and stupid...Dam I hate this. Its hitting Orchid the ttears are starting and it stinks. Do I tell him I am crying do I tell him how much I hurt today or do I wash my face and get dressed and make nice and let everyone I am fine. I am sick of pretending...I have lost so much weight - and I am so tired and I lost me somewhere and can't find myself. Where is the woman I was -where is the man I loved for so long, my buddie, my love, I see a liar, adirty m,an who cheated, a snake in the grass. I HATE this. My soul is gone -my soulmate is gone this is the start of a new relationship and I am living with a cheat. UGH - I can not pretend anymore.

Amen.

I haven't cried yet. Let me know if you feel any different as a result of the release in a few days.

Noodle

Noodle....is that true chere? Remember that post where we talked about delayed grief? Seems to me like maybe you skipped a vital part of that.

((((((((((((((((noodle))))))))))))))))

realtor....I hope that you DO wash your face and look nice, but I also hope that you you don't pretend that you are okay. As part of confrontation, it's important that your spouse knows the depth of pain that his actions have caused. And if he continues to be verbally abusive...please consider moving to Plan B sooner than later.

((((((((((((((((realtor))))))))))))))))

Starfish -he stopped all verbal abuse over the fall I found out about the A after. I feel he was coming back before I found out. Its just that he has not told me everything - his lies went on for so long. He was so good at covering this up - I do not trust him at all. He used one woman at work for his issues and did not tell her that he was with holding their friendship. She had no idea he was lying and verbally abusing me. The second woman was one he was starting a PA with I ended that one myself. He wants to know what I said to her and I will not tell him. I think he is afraid that I may have an affair. At times he seems still distant and that worries me. He asks me frequently how are you doing today? I don't know what he means by that. Is he asking me if I am feeling postive or negative ? So you see we are not really talking. We are kind of watching each other and not really letting things out. It like two fighters in a ring moving around and sizing up the other. What mood is he/she in today ? What is on his/her mind? But afraid to ask. I am sick of this and just want everything out on the table -he wants me to act like nothing ever happened. I cna't and will not- we need to talk and talk then things will heal with time.

realtor,

What does recovery look like for you? It sounds like the affairs are over...but there is no plan in place to rebuild your relationship and re-establish trust and accountability. Consequently, your marriage is still vulnerable to affairs from either side because there is no compatibility.

Ending affairs is only the very beginning of recovery. It's very hard for couples to do this on their own and it can't be done without some sort of plan. Have you sought counseling?

((((((Realtor))))))) I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You're doing good hon, just gonna take a while to work the kinks out. I hope that you're around to give me some advice as I believe I'll eventually be in your position.

-Caren

I have been to MC -I have asked WH to make appt -he says he will but has not as of yet. I am sick of asking him - he sees no need as he feels he is over everything - I think he is wrong and certainly does need it. We need MC. I am tired of doing all the things for him like a mother. I want him to stand up like a man and go. He has said he is sorry and meant it I believe, said he never realized how deceitful he was. I believe my MC will help him learn how to make things better for us. MC is so good -its like wow when I leave there. I am just so dam tired and would like to see my WH really try harder to show me how much I really mean to him. We were supposed to go away for 3 days and have fun and talk -that has yet happened -my FIL - who has dementia has needs right now that make it impossible for us to get the time away plus jobs that take the time away as well. If we could only plan/make reservations for a time in the future that would make me happy. I told Wh that what I would like is good memeories. I do not need gifts -I love good memories -my greatest gifts are special times I can remember with loved ones. I need to work on replacing these last 2 yrs with good ones. This year was rough with 4 hurricanes -the A's -his Dad -and our problems.