I thought of something, my WH doesn't do all the classic "we're soulmates stuff" (At least not to me) he doesn't even admits that he loves her or that he tells her he loves her, so I was thinking, that since their relationship had been going on for at least 2 or 3 months (PA, I KNOW there was an EA b4 that but he says no....he thinks no sex/no affair) I am wondering, if an affair dies a natural death as opposed to WS cutting it off with NC, is there still withdrawl on their part, or do they have time to adjust since it dies a natural death?

Anyone have any thoughts?

-Caren

Caren, it doesn't die a natural death until there is no contact. If it does it certainly takes much, much longer with continued contact. The OP has to go for any real healing to begin. I don't know your situation so I'm not sure I've addressed your question I just went through something that surprised me a bit and had to re-learn this lesson. My W has a ONS which was followed by 2 1/2 yr. EA. I finally thought the EA was completely dead although she continued to see OM in a group setting once a week. Well she recently left the group and now has finally established NC. I initially thought that this was anti-climatic because the EA had been dead for about 6 mos. At least I thought so. Well the withdrawal that followed took me completely by surprise and made me realize I underestimated the EA. That part of the relationship has far exceeded the pain of the ONS. Hope this helps.

WOE

I don't know what you are asking about the "natural death". NC is an absolute necessity. Is WS in NC now?

My own experience was that I tried to break off the A several times, and each time I had withdrawl. The last time, there was none--just relief and a lot of joy for being done with the A.

If your H had an A to fulfill ENs, and now the ENs are being fulfilled somewhere else, I guess there could be no withdrawl.

The question I would be asking him is, "Why?" It seems odd that he had ended up in bed with someone he didn't care about.

My W continued to tell me that she loved me. She also never said she was in love with the OM. That is until he dumped her. Then she completely lost her mind! It took me by surprise because of all the things she was saying before.

After he dumped her she admitted how strong her feelings were for him and tried everything in her power to get him back. I should have known better by her ACTIONS but was clinging to her words because I liked what I heard.

I'm not saying your WH is doing this. WS are all a little different. You can get a better idea of his feelings for her if you watch his actions instead of listening to what he says though, IMO.

Caren, on my side of things the A was dying a natural death I can say it seems my withdrawal was near to nothing compared to that of the withdrawal of some of the WS on board.

My withdrawal was slight, but maybe only because OM kept trying to make contact so I took comfort in that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I do think it is possible for the A to completely run its course and the WS not to feel any withdrawal.

Best of luck to you,

KY

Caren, I understand what you are asking. My A died a natural death and before dday. Withdrawl was almost nonexistant.

The A in my case didn't die a natural death. It was ended at it's height by the OM because it was the "right thing to do". I agreed, but very reluctantly.

My withdrawal was the worst thing I've ever been through and lasted a good 9 months.

It's completely over now and my H and I closer than we've ever been before.

Jen

Okay, I have no clue what's going on with WH and OW...I really don't, what I'm saying is that in a normal circumstance, if you break up with someone, I've never found there to be any 'withdrawl', so I was wondering if the A died a natural death (by that I mean they break up for their own reasons) if there would still be withdrawl to deal with from the WS. I don't have any basis for this question, it's not actually happening, I just wondered.

My WH had an A about 6 years ago, I differentiate the 2 because at the time he started seeing her we were separated (I left him) and had been for several months. He called me one day and said "I want a divorce" well that made me wake up in short order....I was over there begging him not to divorce me, and he agreed he didn't really want a divorce...but insisted that I needed to move back in with him immediately...so I did, well he never stopped seeing this girl. So for like a month and a 1/2 my gut was going ballistic, I knew something wasn't right, and I asked him a million times if there was someone else.....he always said "no", well one night he came home from work (couple hours late) and said he was leaving me....I flipped out, but he left anyway, so I got the kids and bed, and I took a couple Xanax and went to sleep. The next day I got up and took the kids to my Mom's and on my way to work something told me he was at the house, so I got off the freeway, and went to my house, and there he was sitting on my couch. I said "What are you doing here?" He seemed really down and said "Oh,...just came to take a shower." I said "What's going on?" He started crying and told me that there had indeed been someone else, and that she told him if he didn't leave me THAT night she was going to come and tell me everything, and he was scared so that's what he did. I said "Do you love her?" he said "No", so I said "Well you need to call her right now and tell her it's over." He said "She doesn't have a phone..." I said "Oh, you have no way to get ahold of her?" He said "Well I call her neighbors.." I said "Okay do that" So he called, she answered he said "I'm going to stay with my wife..." then he said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" and then hung up. So a minute later the phone rings, he is now in our bedroom laying on the bed, I look at the called ID...don't recognize the name/number, pick it up, it's her...I am so shocked that this is all happening I can't even be mean to her, I was very matter of fact. She said "Is WH there?" I said "WH...telephone." He said "I don't want to talk to her" I said "I'm sorry, he doesn't want to talk to you.." She said "Oh really well your husband has been F-ing me, is that okay with you?" I said "Nope, that is NOT okay" She said "What does this kinda thing happen all the time?" I said "Nope" She said "Well HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME" I said "Well...he lies." so she hung up on me, then called back 2 seconds later saying "Tell WH to be a MAN and get on this phone right now or I'm coming over there" I said "WH, she says 'be a man and get on the phone right now or she's coming over here" So he gets on the phone again, and again, just a bunch of "I'm sorry's" and that was it. We moved, they were never in contact again, and he never went through any withdrawl that I could tell. I mean it was tense for us for a good month or so, but a lot of it was me....you could cut the damn tension with a knife. I was really clingy...I stuck to him like glue for quite a while, but then we went to a few MC sessions, I didn't wanna go anymore, so we quit...and everything has been okay...up to August of this year (or so I thought) So that's why I'm asking....I mean if he broke it off that easily b4....I mean this time it's different, I guess, he began this when we were still together....but since he won't agree to NC, like SAA says, SH said that the affair would die a natural death, so I'm just assuming it will, everything else he says about all this is pretty true to form.

*sigh* hell I don't know.

-Caren