Hi all,

My husband and I have been married since October of 2004 and have been together for 5, going on 6 years. We are best friends and I'm so glad that we got married. However, lately, I've found myself attracted to his tenant, which is our next door neighbor. He used to go to school with this guy. I guess I feel guilty that I keep thinking about this guy and always wondering where he is and what he's doing. I've only spoken to him briefly a few times and he came over and ate dinner with us one night. He bought us some steaks as a Christmas gift after he saw us cooking on the grill one night. My only thought then was that since we had an extra steak, it would be a nice gesture to invite him for dinner. On two occasions he has popped out of his backdoor at the very moment that I'm walking across the yard to go over to my mom's house. That's how I met my husband, when he moved two houses down from me:) Basically, I know I can't pursue it and I know that I dont want to hurt my husband. I suppose our marriage needs more passion. That has been gone for quite some time. I'm not exactly sure how to get that passion and attraction back. I think its just more a matter of us being so familiar and comfortable with each other. Our relationship was very passionate and intense for the 1st few years. And maybe the only reason I'm attracted to this other guy is because I miss that feeling and the excitment of a new relationship. I would be interested to hear what anyone else thinks about my situation or from those who have been in the same situation I am in. Thanks for listening..

Hello Michelle,

Welcome to MB.

I am glad you came here first before making a huge mistake and getting involved with another man.We will all tell you that it isn't the answer.If you have read this message board at all,you will understand that choosing to cheat is the most painful thing you can do to your spouse.The answer to how you are feeling isn't to be with this other man.You need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling.He may be feeling the same way too.

I would suggest getting some recommended books from Dr.Harley(His Needs,Her Needs;Fall in Love,Stay in Love;The Four Gifts of Marriage,etc to start).

You also need to realize that you must stay away from this other man forever now.He is a danger to your marriage.You cannot be "just friends" either.You can never talk to him again.Believe me,this man will always be a threat since you have some feelings for him and so you cannot contact him anymore.We will all tell you this.

Most marriages have a honeymoon phase Michelle and it doesn't last.Even if you left your husband for this other man,it too would change over time.It's a fact that the passion you feel in the first few years of marriage wears off but that doesn't mean that it's dead.It means you have to nurture your marriage and be more creative to keep the love and passion alive.Marriage isn't an endless fantasy well of withdrawals.You both can make your marriage what you want and need it to be.It takes work though and many couples who are riding that "high" in the beginning fail to recognize that it doesn't last forever and when it doesn't they immediately think that something is wrong with their spouse and that maybe they need someone else to fix things .A marriage evolves and changes and you have to know how to keep it healthy and happy and how to prevent yourself from hurting each other.

Infidelity is never the answer to anything so please,please do not consider it.Consider this a big red flag that you and your husband need to start tending to one another and your marriage right now.

Stick around,we can help.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Hello,

I suggest that you have a conversation with your husband and discuss your feelings. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was lusting over and wishing to get to know better the next door neighbor? If you continue on this behavior you will end up being another failed marriage statistic. Is this what you want?

Octobergirl,

Thanks so much for your reply. I totally understand everything you said, especially the part about how even if I got involved with some other man, the passion and all that would fade over time the same way it did with my husband. It will be hard for me to not talk to him or be around him though since he lives right next door. My husband is friendly with him from time to time and with summer right around the corner, we like to sit outside a lot and I'm sure he will come over and visit sometimes. I do not plan to be alone with him though under any circumstances. He seems like a nice man and I dont feel that he would try to seduce me. But then again, it happens all the time so who knows. But it should be OK as long as I dont give him any opportunities. I can't help that I'm attracted to him though. And as my friend says, fantasy is one thing but acting on it is another.

ChelleIndy - Good advice here from the others.

I am glad to hear that you have both found MB as well as not done anything silly. You sound like you are in a very similar situation to my wife some 8 months ago, that is, you are standing at the same crossraoad.

We were best friends for a very long time, well until she took a wrong turn.

She got ineterseted in a neighbour / friend. Harmless text messages, e-mails, then a drink, then a dinner, the a full scale affair.

She looks back now and realises what a huge mistake it was (her words not mine).

Talk to your husband about what you can do to spice up your lives. I know I would have killed for the opportuity, and in my case I felt the same way but my wife didn't want to address it for a long time.

If the neighbour even hints at anything untoward, you probably need to tell hubby, otherwise stay away from the neighbour and make sure he sees how much you love your hubby when he is in your company.

As for you comment about not being around him on your own, great advice. My suggestion would be that this applies to any opposite sex friends.

Take care of yourself ( You can read my tale of woe if you like by clicking on the link in my signature, this is one outcome that I hope you avoid)

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

You need to tell your husband what you want, what you are missing in the marriage. Tell him as soon as you can. If it gets to the point that your husband is still not responding then you need to walk out before you ever think of an A. Maybe the walk out will get him in gear. You also need to ask him what he wants in your marriage...what he is missing. You need to realise if he is not happy he might be open to an affair of his own.

An A is the most hurtfull thing that you can do to your spouse. How could you hurt someone you call a friend like that?

I wish my wife did the above instead of having a EA/PA.

Hi Renaissanceman,

Thanks for your reply. I was reading a bit about your situation and I can imagine how hurt you are by all of it. I could feel your pain just by reading your words and it made me feel sad. I definitely DO NOT want to hurt my husband that way. I guess I just wish he was more interested in making love. I have brought this up to him before and of course he always says its not me or that its becasue he's so tired all the time. He does compliment me sometimes and tells me I look pretty, etc. But its like he doesnt have any interest in initiating sex. It seems like most of the time I initiate it and when it happens it is enjoyable and he seems like he's into it. I just want him to be the agressor sometimes. I think I would feel more desirable then. As far as the neighbor guy goes. I dont think he's the type who would try to move in on me, especially since he knows my husband. I do sort of feel that he likes to pop up when he knows I'm going to be around. For example: Last night, when I got home from work, as I was pulling up in the driveway, he chose that particular moment to walk over to our house to talk to my husband about the rent. The guy has to know when I get home from work becasue it's usually the same exact time every day and I'm sure he's noticed before. This has happened once before too and I guess I thought it was a bit coincidental. I basically just got out of my car and didn't stop and really talk to the guy or anything. I just walked in the house and upstairs. My husband went outside to talk to him and he didn't come into our house or anything. I plan on continuing to be short and casually polite with the guy and not give him any inkling that I'm attracted to him. I do plan on talking to my husband about how I wish he would just jump my bones more often:) I wouldnt say that I have a very big sex drive myself, but it seems like a 35 year old man would want to make love to his wife more than once every month and a half or two months or so. I think I just feel a bit undesirable because of his lack of interest in that dept. We went out with some of my husband's co-workers last night and my husband's boss' wife was complimenting about how beautiful I am so I dont think it has anything to do with my looks. I guess the best thing for me to do is just talk to my husband and hope that he opens up to me about what is wrong, if anything.

ChelleIndy,

Dont take this as a personal attack. Believe me. This is some heartfelt advice.

RUN AWAY FROM THIS MAN.

You are already entering a pattern I recognized in my wifes early online "soul-searching". I know, I know. Not you, right? I'm different from everyone else.

My wife made online posts about her growing feelings for the other man. They ware a moral sounding board designed to keep her sane while she considered unimaginable grievances against our marriage.

They shout, "I can control my feelings. Look at my posts. I would NEVER act on these feelings" Honey, I made a career out of taking moral young men and carving them into Special Service Force soldiers. We convinced them to rationalize commiting great moral outrages, and NONE of those behaviors were realized in a day. They are the result of errosion of core befiefs over a long period of time. One principle at a time.

So its just my humble opinion, but here are some marital fundementals you might need to consider:

1) Protection: You need to take all reasonable steps to protect your husband. Having attraction and/or feelings for another man is a dangerous business. It could tear the heart out of the man you love. Knowing this, you would do better to move to another state than to remain in temtations path. You are not stronger than the many good folk who have fallen here. Recovered WS's, help me on this here.

2) Honesty: If you do it or imagine it or feel it, and he does not know, its ALREADY cheating. You are discussing these feelings with strangers here. We are the worst kind of help.

Get clear with HIM. T Before any A, he is your BEST source of support. Two people's feelings are involved here, and you are at risk of making that three. Be honest with him. He deserves to have a say.

Someone alot wiser than me said it this way...

"If your hand causes you to offend, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched." - Jesus Christ

God speed.

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: sprint ]</small>

Hi again Michelle,

I can understand your frustration regarding the lack of sexual intimacy with your husband.Once every 2 months isn't much at all and so maybe there is an underlying reason your husband doesn't want to address this.Has he had a physical lately? Do you think he might be depressed? Too stressed?

Talk with your husband more about this and discuss getting some help like some books or counseling.Just be sure that your husband knows how this is affecting you and make sure he knows it is *serious.Unfortunately,may couples ignore each other's concerns as unimportant and if this goes unchecked for a long period of time,that can lead to resentment and a whole host of other problems.

We have talked here a lot about compromise and negotiation with each other.Especially when it comes to sex,which can be a very delicate matter,you have to be open and honest about what your expectations are,what you both are willing to do to help each other and how you can both be satisfied.For some,that means occasionally pleasing your spouse when you may not really feel up to it and for other's it means backing off a bit so you don't pressure your spouse all the time.There has to be a balance.

Lastly,I am glad you realize how wrong and hurtful it would be to start up any kind of relationship with this other man.If you can keep your boundaries and not let this man cross them so you and your husband will not get hurt,you should be ok.Remember that you are married and that means,among many other things,protecting each other from harm.Part of that protection too is making sure you are not involved with anyone of the opposite sex in any initmate way.It should be very superficial if at all.You have to have a strong sense of self and boundaries to be able to avoid falling into the trap of an affair.Many people don't even know what their boundaries are.

Anyway,I hope your husband is attentive and wants to help fix this problem with you.Best of luck!

O

ChelleIndy

As Sprint has pointed out, the place to discuss this is with your H. HE's the one who's got to know that you've got a problem with the marriage.

However, it might be useful to define the problem. You have pointed towards a disparity in sexual needs. Is this a new problem? You have been married for about four / five months - that means only a few acts of intercourse? Did you make love more frequently before that? Was there a significant change after marriage? Have there been any other life changes for either of you?

What is your own history - your parents' marriage? Do you have any reason to start feeling uneasy, a few months into a marriage? Have you been married before?

I'm not suggesting that any of the above questions apply to you. Just food for thought...

TogetherAlone

ChelleIndy

Please don't travel down the slippery slope.

BS-1986- My best friend who I never would have dreamed would have betrayed our frienship that way.

BS- Again-Started sometime in 2003?-Neighbor 4 houses away.

FWH 1987-Revenge A. Knew my S hated the OW.

Its dangerous stuff your dealing with.
Work on keeping the M healthy. Keep reading on this site.

If I could choose where I would want to be right this moment it would be in MR.

The pain I caused to my S and M during my A was the most hurtful selfish thing I could have ever done in my life. It has literally taken me years to forgive MYSELF.
Just this Jan I started to take communion at church. Its been sixteen years. God forgave me a long time ago. My S said she forgave me. I couldn't forgive me.

Think hard and keep reading.

Jerry

ChelleIndy - No problem. I hope that it helps give you some perspective / support.

I just want to say up front that I am really proud of you for seeking help, you don't realise just how special that makes you. Please realise that I (like many others here) am not judging you, just pointing out the warning signs that you should keep an eye out for.

There some startling similarities between yourself and myself (and also how my wife must have felt).

Although my wife had the affair, I was the one who was constantly begging for sex. I know she liked having it when we did, as she constantly told me that of all the men in her past I was the only one who knew how to make her feel special and bought her to a climax. So it was weird to me that I had to beg to have it more than once or twice a fortnight. (Worst was nearly two nonths...)

Like you I wished she was more interested in making love. We spoke about it and she told me she always had low libido. Se would address the problem for a week or so, then back to normal having to pursue her constantly.

A couple if things that I would strongly urge you to note / do are the following;

1. "Stay away from Mr Nice guy"!! You will have to trust me on this as I have known many a predator. When you are vulnerable, they will sense it and that's when you are at risk of developing those false feelings. An invite for a chat, a coffee, a drink,.... Once you are vulnerable, that's when you will see all the nice guys pop out of the woodwork. Again, what you have written above sounds so similar to what my wife was saying to me that the warning bells are going off in my head.

2. Talk to your hubby. Stronly suggest that you both go and see an MC or sx therapist. You will need to be very diplomatic / sensative here. If you think he will oppose going, then maybe you couch it in a way that he doesn't feel like he is the problem. (i.e. you feel like you must be doing something wrong as he doesn't find you attractive, etc).

3. Maybe some sexy lingerie? It always helped me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

4. As hard as this sounds, don't make him feel pressured for sex. I know that for my wife this was a big turn off.

5. If he still refuses you and won't go to counselling and or address the problem, then you should see a good MC that will help you decide the best course of action.

6. Keep posting here. I can't tell you how good it is to be able to bare your soul with like minded people that will understand your feelings and offer you support!!

And in any case, if the worst were to happen and you decided to leave your M as a result of your differences, well you know that you can stand before your maker, hand on your heart and say, I tried everything, I couldn't have done anything else. "This is obviously not what I am suggesting that will happen. I think that you have a very good chance of resolving the issues given what you have written so far"

What I am saying is that under no circumstance should you go outside your marriage. An affair certainly made me a once very stable, reliable, happy and reasonably successful person into a very sad, depressed and lonely man, even after my wife has told me she loves me and wants me back!!!

Be Strong, keep posting and stay alert <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !!!

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 04:07 AM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

Hi Renaissance,

I am definitely glad to be able to come here and at least post about my feelings. I think overall I have a very good marriage. Knowing my husband, I know for a fact that he probably doesn't think anything is wrong and he definitely won't go to any kind of sex therapist. I think a lot of his problem is that he's always stressed about something (work, project at home) and he's an over-achiever. When we first met, he was really a lot of fun and more carefree. Now its work, work, work. He wants to be able to retire when he's fairly young. He lost his dad very suddenly about a year ago and I know he gets depressed about that sometimes. He has told me before that he thinks he goes in and out of depression. I've told him that he should probably see a doctor and get some kind of pills, but he doesnt' like that idea. He is pretty affectionate to me though overall. He loves to snuggle, but I need more than snuggling sometimes. At night, he is usually so tired that he just lays down and is asleep almost immediately. Needless to say, I don't really want to wake him up so I just lie there sometimes and feel frustrated. I just want so much for him to initiate our lovemaking. That would make me feel so good.

ChelleIndy,

I hear your frustration as well as the obvious love for you husband.

As a suggestion, why don't you try to be romantic soon as he gets home.

Maybe have a warm bath running, some candles, sopme incense, champagne (or his favorite drink), so when he walks in wham!!

I still think you would benefit by talking to someone who is trained / specialist in this area, maybe a psychologist or therapist. I am sure that you will that there are strategies that you can employ to help you both..

Keep posting and stay strong!!

chely....
i can relate to being exhausted....here is how cindy fixed that...

we made dinner together every nite and shared a bottle of wine doing so...we usually ate around 8pm and then i was out...
we moved dinner to around 6pm and things got better....i would clean up dishe and cindy would clen up us...shower, hot tub, bath...whatever ...but it was us from this time on and no tv ect until we had an hour or two for us....i was out still by 9-930 but we had our time...
also, evey morning i left for work at 530...i would make cindy her favorite coffee and bring it to her and wake her with a kiss and caffee....

GOD I MISS THAT PERSON....

posted February 06, 2005 09:37 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please do not do this unless you want to see the man you love lose all sense of self, lose faith in life, lose 30-40 lbs in 2 weeks, not be able to sleep for months,have mental pictures of the two of you for life!, get sick for no reason other than your betrayal. all this even if he decides to work on marriage.
All you have to do is pull him aside and tell him what is going on, if he loves you(he does)he will listen, you have to listen too.
If my wife did this with me,(she had chances) maybe life would mean something to me, My hands are shaking as I type this. You found this site before anything has happened which is a major bonus for your marriage. PLEASE,PLEASE read and learn of the pain put upon the BS's on this site and don't put your husband through it.
You have an opportunity to do something alot of people should have done. and not let it happen. you are thinking!! before it happens. Read, post,talk listen!!
The people on this site will be here for support at any time. Use this site anytime you start to feel tempted. RESPECT YOUR MARRIAGE, HUSBAND,AND YOURSELF. YOU CAN NEVER TAKE IT BACK!!!!!

--------------------

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

ChelleIndy how are you doing?

Have you spoken to you H about how you are feeling?

Have you noticed any changes in the behaviour of your neighbour?

Stay strong babe I know you can do it!!!

^^^

ChelleIndy,

I also want to add my voice to the chorus in letting your H know about your desire for passion in your marriage and how the lack of it has made you think a lot about the tenant next door. Leaving out the last part, keeps your thoughts about the other man, a secret which will only feed your thoughts and fantasies about him until one day you will do the unthinkable. Also, by not telling your H about your attraction towards the tenant, you are denying him the truth about gravity of living in a passionless marriage. If your H truly loves you and doesn't wish to lose you to another man, then he is going to rise to the ocassion [no pun intended <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ] and become the man he once was. Furthermore, it will make your H pay close attention to the tenant and his actions, especially towards you.

Lastly, the fact that one is married doesn't mean that one stops appreciating other members of the opposite sex. It is what one does with that attraction that is really the issue. Spouses who are honest with each other will confide in one another their attractions towards others and instead of driving them towards these strangers, it will actually drive them closer to one another. Secrecy is an essential ingredient in feeding these attractions and allowing them to grow to the point where they will be acted out eventually. So please consider telling your H about your attraction towards the tenant.

TMCM