Many of us are on the rollercoaster of emotions: up and down, up and down. Every once in a while, somebody does something or says something that brings a little glow of light that you can remember on those bad days

My DS in high school is an excellent student, athlete and human being. Right now, he's busy competing in his sport of choice. Around Christmas, DS made the decision to tell his coach about his dad and the situation we're in. As the season winds down, I've been doing what I can to help the team. Yesterday, I got an email from the coach. He ended with "I think that his mom is the reason that Dave (DS) is such a great kid."

Then later at class, my dance teacher who I have not confided in, took me aside and said "I know something wrong and I want you to know I'm praying for you." It brought tears to my eyes and I could barely mumble "thanks".

Those two things, from people who don't know me well, mean so much to me. I just hold these gems in my heart and they make all the difference. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your are right GG, it is the little things people do that make it all worth it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey Grapegirl ; ) Thanks for your post. You are so right. Kind words from others can make all the difference. It must be tough to remain optimistic when you are hurting. I recommend a book my BH just bought as he is trying to cope with the pain I have caused him. It's called the Tough Minded Optimist. He bought that and Dr. Harley's book, SAA.

Hi GG:

How are you doing? I've been thinking about you, GODDESS, that you are.

I don't want you to think that I am focusing on the negative aspects. I agree with you that the support we get from others pulls us through.

HOWEVER, this was a big issue for my FWH and it still is. He has a major need for APPRECIATION that he got from the OW. He felt that he was not appreciated for the role he played in the rearing of our sons. We all took him for granted. He was there for our sons when many other fathers were not and he monetarily he provided a great life for us through his hard work. What I am saying is that I think that the coach meant well in his comments but consider what your son would have been like without your WH's influence in his life?

I've had to remind my son about this as he struggles with the knowledge of his F's infidelity.

Take Care.

Mimi, I really struggle with the appreciation thing. It's so hard when the things WH values are such a mixed blessing for everybody else. WH just emailed me that he's been put on a new project that derives from the one he's been on but it's rush, rush and he's not going to get any break. It's an honor and a compliment but it also means more hours, more time away and no time with us. It's more pressure and stress. More chance of burning out. Hard to get enthusiastic about something that comes at such a cost.

I talk with DS alot about the ways his dad has contributed to his success. Unfortunately, it comes down mainly to $. I tell him how wonderful it is that his dad is successful enough at work that we have the money for special camps, extra coaching, good equipment and the ability to travel to tournaments. That I can be a SAHM. All that is much appreciated. What DS also knows is that aside from the $ support, his dad has had little interest in his sport. In the 7 years DS has done this sport, WH has seldom come to any of DS events until DS started getting his name in the paper, getting recognition and winning medals. WH didn't even know the rules. WH hasn't been to any of DD's basketball or soccer games this year. Maybe when she's a winner, he will.

WH has never been much for father-son or daughter things. DS knows that the amount time his dad has played catch with him, he can probably count on 1 hand. No bike rides, no breakfast out, no working on projects together, no father-son camping trips, no fishing, no coaching, no scouts. DS does know who has been there for him. He knows who did all the above. He knows who drove him all over, watched his diet, baked cookies for the team and came to everything.

I often feel sad that family involvement was a boundary I didn't set in the very beginning. It's made us all poorer. Is this sounding 'way too unMB?

Dear GG,

Poorer? No, it makes you sound insightful.

My FWH, like yours, made choices while our children were small that resulted in his making a very good salary, but severely limited his time with us. I am not a SAHM, but I have always worke PT, literally down the block from kids' schools.

Looking back: What a mistake those choices were. Our kids love their Dad, but missed his presence at games, etc. The A was work-related. I am not absolving myself of my responsibility in letting our M get to the place where an A happened, but I cannot get over knowing the predatory MOW b***h was working her scam on my H. And neither am I giving him a pass on getting involved with a manipulative boorderline personality as he did. He should have told her to back off. But, he was flattered by the attention, the adoration...Oh please.

All of these reflections are hindsight. There is nothing todo about the past, except to NOT repeat it.

Best of luck, and blessings

GRAPE:

It could have been me speaking in your post. Your sitch is exactly like mine. Without going into to many specifics, let me just say that both of our sons were star athletes. My FWH had a hard time with this. They could not understand his lack of involvement compared to the other Dads.

However, I have realized that my H's parenting issues had to do with wounds from his childhood. He really did the best he could considering how he was raised. I kept trying to make him into what I wanted him to be rather than ACCEPTING the way he is. I have learned that it pained him that I could not APPRECIATE the things that he was able to do-be a successful businessman, who worked hard, who was there every night, serving as a role model. Maybe it's no excuse but I now see him as sort of being MENTALLY HANDICAPPED in a way in regards to parenting.

Now that my oldest son is a man himself he gives a lot of credit to his father for the direction he provided as a role model.

I relate well to your situation. I will share more with you later.

Mentally handicapped? That's funny! Some people can't cook. Some people can't change a flat tire. Some people can't parent. Unfortunately, when our kids were little, we were able to get excellent parenting classes through their school. WH chose not to take advantage of them but I did. They helped make me a great mom and gave me many other wonderful skills.

Perhaps WH's childhood has had an affect. His mom was really young when his parents had to get married. WH's sister is 13 months younger than he. I think his parent's marriage was unsettled while he was young. Sometimes,I wonder if MIL had an A during this time. WH and his sister were shipped off to their grandparents farm for every holiday and summer. Sounds idyllic. Then there's those years in Catholic school. Something helped make him into a deceiver, a hider and an observer instead of a participant. Even now, when WH does go to an activity, he'd rather photograph it than watch it.

I'd be interested in other observations. I'll be gone for a few days due to, your guessed it, sports.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mentally handicapped? That's funny! Some people can't cook. Some people can't change a flat tire. Some people can't parent </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YEP! A counselor that I took my YS to during all of this told me. Unfortunately, you married a man who shouldn't have had kids. That comment hit me like a ton of bricks.

Since you also like to read, GRAPE, I will share with you what I heard on a Book on Tape I was listening to yesterday while exercising. It's by ALBERT ELLIS, HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ANXIETY. He recommends UOA-UNCONDITIONAL OTHER ACCEPTANCE. He states that this is a good anger management strategy. That's where I am with my H's parenting. He's just so poor at it in my view. However, I hate to keep quoting Steve Harley but Steve chided me for thinking that I had all the answers. He thinks that I should have worked more as a teammate with my H on parenting rather than shutting him out although he was distant.

BTW, does the OW in your sitch have children? My FWH was going to try to do parenting over again with the OW's child. I think that was one of her primary goals. She wanted a father for her child and really pumped him up about this. He learned during PLAN B that he "hated" her child. She must have LBed on this.

Your WH is so much like mine, GRAPE. It's scary.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Even now, when WH does go to an activity, he'd rather photograph it than watch it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My boys used to always say: "Why does Daddy have to always take so many pictures?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />