My story can be found below:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=036263

I believe that my wife felt she was not getting enough attention from me and that she has some other issues going on (she has done this 3 times in 9 years).

So what do I do? My wife has moved out and I filed for divorce in Oct but want to reconcile. She doesn't at this point.

Should I contact the OM? (if you read my post, I don't even know if he knows he is the OM).

Shoud I mail her IC a letter since she will not go to MC with me?

Should I expose what she is doing to her boss? He knows of the divorce and apparently she is on thin ice at work?

Do I just tell her I love her and I will be here for her?

Do I sever all ties?


She has come back the other 2 times. I just want to work on this (again) and figure it out for once.

I believe the answers to your questions can be found here. I see you have ordered His Needs, Her Needs. That is a very good place to start.

It sounds like this is just coming out of left field for you but hopefully you will find out that there were needs that were not being met. That is not meant to excuse her actions. One should never turn to someone else because of marital problems. But if you discover that there was something in you lacking, at least you have control and there is some action that you can take.

Learn about Plan A. That seems the best way for you to go at this point.

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: legato ]</small>

Hi B !

I believe that my wife felt she was not getting enough attention from me and that she has some other issues going on (she has done this 3 times in 9 years).

How did you process her previous affairs ?

So what do I do? My wife has moved out and I filed for divorce in Oct but want to reconcile. She doesn't at this point.
Was filing a gesture from you, or do you want a divorce ?

Should I contact the OM? (if you read my post, I don't even know if he knows he is the OM).
What would you expect him to do or say that will help you ? Without an explicit purpose for contact, and a n asessment of how likely you are to get this achieved, it is usually a bad idea to conact OM

Shoud I mail her IC a letter since she will not go to MC with me?

Again, why ? To what end, so that her IC will colour all his/hr opinions of your W wih your experinces of her infidelity ? A good IC won't do that. How do you know your W hasn't already told her IC everything about her infidelities?

Should I expose what she is doing to her boss? He knows of the divorce and apparently she is on thin ice at work?
If exposing to her boss will help end her affair then it is worth doing . read WATs guide to exposure for details. Donot expose out of spite or to punish your W. Such is very counterproductive in recovery.

Do I just tell her I love her and I will be here for her?
If thats true ,yes, but bear in mind you just served her with a divorce. She might not believe you.
Also know that WS and withdrawing FWS are rarely capable of healthy relationships with anyone for a while - not OP, not spouse, not GOD. What do teh words "ILY" actiually MEAN in teh near aftermath of an affair? Think about it. It is actions that define love and care in the post-affair world, not words for a LOOOONG time.

Do I sever all ties? Again, to what purpose? If a well executed Plan A is not successful in ending an affair, then plan B removes all the benefits of being married to the newly plan A'ed spouse from the WS. This is 'severing all ties' with a purpose. If you do it now when her last memory of you will be hysterically filing for divorce then withdrawing it and pledging love, I suspect plan B may not be sucessful.

I amnot being mean. Thi is time for you to be a MAN. Your W has NEVER needed you more than she does now - whether you end up together or not you must NOT make permanent affecting decisions while you are both in such a fragile state of mind.

Calm down. Study * not read) MB. effect a plan A and look after yourself. And stop flailing around, its time to channel those fears into actions with a likely positive outcome ( MB) not following your instinct which will most likely make you single again tout-de-suite.

All blessings. Its a hard time, but it wil et better than you can believe, sooner than you might think if you do the right things.

How did you process her previous affairs ?

We went to counseling the first time but she then quit. The 2nd time she would not go but I went. The 3rd time we are in IC since August. She went to joint counseling with me for a few sessions but just sat and ripped me to shreads. Everything was my fault.

So what do I do? My wife has moved out and I filed for divorce in Oct but want to reconcile. She doesn't at this point.
Was filing a gesture from you, or do you want a divorce ?

It was an emotional reaction. She was so deeply into another EA, she leaves for a 4 day conference with him and comes back and says our marriage is worse. (Kids and I were supposed to go to the conference as it was at a indoor waterpark but she forbid it once the EA started)

I don’t want a divorce.

Should I contact the OM? (if you read my post, I don't even know if he knows he is the OM).
What would you expect him to do or say that will help you ? Without an explicit purpose for contact, and a n asessment of how likely you are to get this achieved, it is usually a bad idea to conact OM

True…

Shoud I mail her IC a letter since she will not go to MC with me?

Again, why ? To what end, so that her IC will colour all his/hr opinions of your W wih your experinces of her infidelity ? A good IC won't do that. How do you know your W hasn't already told her IC everything about her infidelities?

I have spoken with WS on her EA’s. She will admit them then deny them. As of recent, over the last few months, even before the papers being filed, is that I wanted to know what she is missing that I was not giving her. She never really knows. I think it is undivided attention and just some quiet quality time. (I thought we had that though but everyone is different).

Should I expose what she is doing to her boss? He knows of the divorce and apparently she is on thin ice at work?
If exposing to her boss will help end her affair then it is worth doing . read WATs guide to exposure for details. Donot expose out of spite or to punish your W. Such is very counterproductive in recovery.

I think her boss does think something is up. She has told me that he is coming down on her real hard and she is looking for another job. Do you think that her looking for another job is a good indication that the EA (or now PA) is fizzling or could it be an indication that she does not want the pressure from her boss?

BH, you asked ;

Do you think that her looking for another job is a good indication that the EA (or now PA) is fizzling or could it be an indication that she does not want the pressure from her boss?


I think is shows she's looking for another job, that all you can be sure of, mate.

Is OM married ? It is a very useful tactic to expose any affair to the spouse of the OP.
WATs exposure reference

All blessings !