For all of you that are not familiar with my sitch, a breif synopsis:

My wife just graduated Podiatry school, and we moved to LA. She got lonely, and started an A in October, moved out late November, and filed for D two days ago. The only reason I remained here was for the possibility of reconciliation. Since I discovered that she had filed, I was starting to make plans to move back to Texas to resume my education.

I have rec'd some advice on other threads to delay the D as nicely as possible, and Plan A as best I could. I am not sure how to proceed....

1) Stay here, Plan A
2) Stay here, Plan B
3) Move to Texas, Plan A as much as possible from out of state
4) Move to Texas, Plan B
5) Move to Texas, Plan D, start a new life....

The only thing holding me here is my WW. I have no other true obligations or reasons to remain. I thought it was Plan D for me, but now I am reconsidering....should I stay and Plan A right up until the D is final? Can you Plan B even after D papers are filed?

Very confused....

TM

OK let me start by saying that I am not in the same sitch, BUT did leave my H for 2 weeks after the affair was exposed. I left to "clear my head and figure some things out". It actually sounds like something a WS would say, but I was the BS. Anyway, here is what I learned. If you really want to work it out, STAY! It was better for ME not to see his face and imagine him with her, but it was not better for our marriage. I could not talk to him whenever I wanted, I could not see the remorse on his face, I could not tell if he was still lying to me, I could not express my love for him in the ways that HE needed. I decided that if I wanted to get our marriage back, I NEEDED to be with him. If I found that it was just too hard, then I would leave, but I had to know that I tried everything. I had to see if he WAS worth it.
To be honest, there are some days, when I still don't think he is. There are days when I WANT to leave more than anything, but have I? NO. Maybe I am wrong, there are certainly more experienced people than me out there, but again, if you want to try and make the marriage work.....STAY!

You will get a variety of answers!

I think off hand from the choices you are considering, given the info you have revealed, I would probably

do your choice number 3.

I say that not knowing how tough it would be for YOU to actually do so. Either you have the impulse to do it or you just can not do it.

The reason I am picking 3 is because if by some chance your plan A-ing works from a distance (difficult, I am sure), then it would draw your W away from where her A has been held and you would have location going for you if she missed you and came to you.

Total gamble (all of them are).

Only YOU know what resonates as right for YOU!

I guess the questions to ask yourself are this...are there things about the M you have control over and can change? Have you cut out all LB's, fulfilled her top 3 ENs, and exposed the A? If you have done all those things...then go ahead and move. But I'm willing to bet you haven't (as most folks have not that first come to this site...heck I didn't even know what a DJ was until I came here).

So, you have some things to work on, if not for this M, then for the next...consider this practice time. Stay in town, help your WW see the best paossible TM there is.

You won't be able to move right away, nor start school right away. When is the timing right for school? Give yourself that time right now to Plan A away. There will come a time when you will want to move to Plan B, and a move will make that so much easier.

Give your M one last shot before you go though...don't try to Plan A from afar unless you have to. In the words of Dr. Phil, earn your D.

Good afternoon TM!

My opinion is that you should go with option 4 with the latter of 5. Once you know that a D has been filed, Plan B. Move on with your life without dating other people. I think moving to Texas is an excellent opportunity where you can be

A. more comfortable
B. Better familiar with the resources service and support groups etc. that fit your situation.
C. Be surrounded by friends and family that care about you and can help / distract you from obsessing over your WW.

I believe this mostly because

1. You do not seem to be handling this well based on your post on January 19, 2005 11:27 PM.

But also because

2. You have confronted your wife with the affair. You have given her time. She is still with OM. Send a plan B letter.

3. I don't think that merelying moving to Texas instead of staying in LA in the context of plan B would be a LB.

I think that the situation is affecting you too negatively and it causes you to do things that you normally would not do. Therefore you should take yourself out of the negative environment and surround yourself with

Prayer

Bible - make a list of scriptures that are encouraging to you and read them regularly

Trust that God is in control

Get involved in your church

Depend on your family & friends who are supportive

Stay busy (volunteering, community service ect.)

Continue to post here


That being said, I am very new to the MB site. Take only what might be helpful and disregard the rest.

BW

Thanks to all that have replied....I am trying to get a general consensus, so if anyone else would like to join in, please do!

I ran this by my IC today, and he didn't have a definative answer for me yet (not the plan A/B part, just the move). I spoke to my WW and she is considering attending one session of counseling with me - nothing definate though. I still think she wants to try the D route, see where her and the OM end up, and then if they fail, have me as a fall back. I made it VERY clear to her today that I will not be her backup plan. Either she choses me, or she discards me like yesterday's trash. If the D ends up final, I will never take her back, even if I wanted to. Pride? I guess maybe I am finally developing a modicum of self-esteem (something I have lacked for years).

Please help me with this decision - maybe I should post a poll....


TM

bump....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan:
<strong> I spoke to my WW and she is considering attending one session of counseling with me - nothing definate though. I still think she wants to try the D route, see where her and the OM end up, and then if they fail, have me as a fall back.
TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TM:

I am gonna post some personal opinions to you here. Please feel free to disregard them as you wish. I feel a kinship to you because of your desires to be a surgeon, so I will go out on a limb here and give you my thoughts.

I suspect your WW would "love" for you to stay around and Plan A her, while she sees if her "affair" will work out with the OM. You are indeed gonna be the "back up" QB here. It is up to you SOLELY if you are willing to accept that role as a way to get back your marriage back (I know this may upset BS who hate to hear that, but that is the dead on reality--there is no way to sugar coat it). You and I both know that with near certainty (>98%), her affair will die. So, if it is your WW you want another chance with, statistics show that you will eventually get that chance if you can "wait" it out long enough.

With all due respect, posting a poll and looking for answers to what you should do is not something that I would do with this type of serious LIEF ALTERING decision. I know you want an answer to this, but the answer has to come from within. Divorce is something VERY serious, and it should NEVER be considered and filed UNLESS you are really ready to do that. Just from your posting alone, it appears that you are NOT "their" yet. You can't ever threaten divorce "hoping" you will get a reaction that you want from your wife. I suppose there are times that those kind of threats work on WS, but the effect is usually temporary. I know that this is not what you are doing, but I wonder if this is crossing your mind. If you ask for a D, you better be ready to go through with it.

People mean well here, but this board and it's information posted should be ALWAYS taken with a grain of salt. It is easy for us to tell you "what we think", but we don't live in your shoes or live your life. I think it would be impossible for any of us to really TELL YOU what to do here. If you are looking for someone to tell you ("support") you in staying to "win her back", then you should just say so. There are many people who can champion that cause and have lived that scenario and accomplished those goals.

In the end, this is a decision that you will need to make and accept full responsibility for. I would say that any marriage Counseling WHILE your WW is still in the affair is a complete and utter waste of your time and money. The Pope himself (SH) says that. You cannot be in meaningful MC if an affair is continuing. Your money and time are better spent on IC.

MY advice/opinion (take it for what it is worth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) would be for you to make arrangements to get back to school (At UT? )and start on your dreams to becoming a physician. You said that you put off your dream of becoming a surgeon because of your wife's dreams right? Well, now it is your turn. If in the END, IF you are meant to be with your wife, GOD can work wonders here, but it is my OPINION that you need to do what is right for you now. It may be that staying in California and PLan A'ing your wife may be "what is right", so if that is the case, by all means DO IT. YOur WW may someday "wake up" and be willing to follow you in recovering the marriage, she also may not. For now, you can only base your decisions on WHAT SHE HAS DONE AND CONTINUES TO DO. YOu need to assess the situation for who "SHE IS" not what "you wish she were"

This is a very long and serious endeavor you say that you want (becoming a doctor), so you need to really put your focus on that right now.
If you feel that you have given as much as you can to your WW then do this. If you still have not reconciled in your mind that your WW is a "different" person that you married and that you are mourning what "was" of her and not what she "is", then I AM SURE there are more than enough posts and posters here who can counsel you on restarting your plans and stategies to end her affair and get your marriage back. I don't think you are just "ready" yet to forget her and move on. You should not make that move untill you are ready. If you do, you may be regretful. DO what you have to do to reconcile this now.

Goodluck.

Best wishes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

LM -

As always, I welcome your intelligent and isightful responses. I think one thing you missed in my original post is that she filed on ME on Tuesday of this week. I know it wasn't what was truly in her heart (she wept on my shoulder for a solid 5 minutes as we embraced on Wednesday) and I believe that the OM has put some pressure on her to file - they filed simultaneously. I was originally planning on waiting it out/Plan A'ing until her residency ended in July, and then make a decision. But the timetable has been moved up by HER. It seems amazing that she so easily throws our M away after only 2 months of seperation.

Thanks again for the post...I value your opinion - controversial or not.


TM

I have to agree with LM. If she is actively in the affair, go where your support is. I like the idea of going back to school. Follow your dreams and she may follow you.

I guess I would plan a from a distance or no, actually, if I were you I'd plan b. Let her rely on him for all her support. He is going to go back to his marriage...esp. if he has kids. This affair is going to blow up.

It doesn't sound like you want her no matter what. Maybe you really don't want her and want her back to dump her. If you really wanted her, you would sit around and wait, but you only want her if she chooses you over the OM, so I'd go back to TX and let her figure it out. I may be wrong, but from your posts I wonder if you really could forgive her. (There is no right or wrong answer to this-she may have wronged you too much). Then, she would also have to forgive your ONS. This makes it very complicated, that is why I vote for focus on you.

I am heavily leaning towards delivering the Plan B letter to her on my way out of town. It will be in her and God's hands from there....

I may end up fighting the jurisdiction though, because all of our paperwork, ID's, registrations, insurances, etc. are in TX....plus it would be more convenient for me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Any other opinions one way or the other?

I will ulitmately make the final decision, but any objective viewpoints are appreciated. I have a hard time looking at this without my emotions....

TM

TM,

I think LM gave you a very good and well reasoned response. IN CA divorce takes 6 months or so, that means it is going to occur AFTER her residency. I do agree the odds are high that the A will end, but who knows where she will go when her residency ends.

Think for yourself and once you decide on a path, the people here can offer you guideance.

God Bless,

JL