I have noticed a pattern for myself.

When H is away, I begin to lose hope for the future.

When he is present, I am present too.

So, I decided to time myself..and measure my reactions.

H has now been out of town for two full days and already my bank is dwindling.

So, the part of me that knows this is a pattern and knows that he will be back in a couple of weeks chuckles gently to itself and pats me on the head like a naughty but amusing child and goes about it's business.

The part of me that acknowledges the very real..very predictable pattern is concerned about the long separation that will take place in late March [which..will also be the anniversary of his A two year mark].

Since I can not pull my magic wand out of my back pocket and wish it away [either the separation or the reaction I have to it]..I am hoping that perhaps you might have some suggestions for coping with this.

Noodle

I don't know what to say except to keep very, very busy. That's the only thing that gets me through any seperation Nio and I have.

((((((((((Noodle)))))))))))

D,

Well..that shouldn't be a problem <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> An imperative really.


[pout pout pout]

Noodle

Noodle,

Again, many of the same concerns you have or those very things that I experienced in the past. I am convinced, that our time apart was the big challenge of our marriage and was an integral part of the external stresses that weakened and hurt our marriage. So....you might ask what finally changed to stop this from happening? Well, once I really understood what my recovery plan should look like....I knew with clarity that travelling and time apart was an issue that HAD to be POJAd because it was central to the destruction of my marriage. Jobs being what they are, I couldn't just demand that H quit his job....but I did negotiate a plan that spanned two years to address finding a new a job and all that entails. Last year, my husband changed jobs. We no longer have to endure long separations. The company he works for is the opposite of the last....it supports and nurtures families. And for the first time in twenty years....we are not facing another move.

I wonder, if like me in the past, you are not defending this boundary as strongly as you could. We tried different strategies that would help us remain connected....but to be honest, because we have have a small child....travelling with him was out, and phones and email are just not enough.

(((((((((((noodle)))))))))))))))

am I the only one who thinks time apart is good? Maybe it is because I am use to my H and I working opposite shifts. Granted my H only goes away for one weekend a year (typically)- to me that is my FUN weekend. Dancing- out with girls, kids gone over night. The weekend usually flys right by if I blink I miss it!!
I guess that is because I stay busy doing fun activities I normally can not do. So I guess my advice is the same as the others- stay busy- and stay in touch.

SF,

This separation is the separation to END all further separations.

H decided to leave the military. Partially because of how affected I am by the lifestyle..

In order to execute this..I have to go ahead of him to set up house and lay the tracks..because this was not The Plan and we are not really prepared for it..but I think our marriage requires it. We are both in agreement about that..and both enthusiastic about the final outcome..but the separation will be 4 to 5 months.

4 to 5 months is pretty daunting considering how diminished my bank is after just a few days...

We need some ways to remain connected..to maintain contact..and accountability.

I admit I am in terror that he will backslide into the old habits..particularly once he is in the barracks.

He's scared, I'm scared..but it really is the right decision [crosses fingers] it's the nuts and bolts of the best odds outcome.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

Noodle

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

Oh noodle! On the one hand I am so very happy that you and H have come to a POJA that will protect your future....and on the other....truly understand the fear, worry, trepidation that you must feel when facing this final and very long separation.

My experience in this regard would more than likely frighten you further....so instead let me offer some things that DID help us until we could secure our future. One of the things that H used to do that was really scary.....is that he contacted me before he went out in the evenings. Inevitably, what that would lead to was me being a basket case wondering what he was doing, how drunk he was. I would call the hotel over and over....and often not be able to reach him...and not sleep, and the images would rise along with the bile. We made an agreement that instead of calling BEFORE he went out everyday....that he would call instead when he got home. Now, of course....he could have been lying....but this DID help alot. When I got a call at 9 or 10 and he was sober and communicative and would describe what his day and evening looked like....it made a huge difference in my comfort level. It also seemed to help him with accountability. If you knew you were going to talk to your wife everynight....around 9 or 10....it certainly makes it more difficult to go to happy hour and not show it.

*sigh* I'm sorry you're facing this.

SF,

I really feel..that it is entirely reasonable to ask for extraordinary measures to be in place..question is..will he stick to it and be honest..or lie and hope that no one will ever know?

And that is the real clincher.

That environment is his achilles heel. He DOES lose himself with exposure to it..which is probably WHY none of these issues came to the surface until his enlistment.

He will be immersed..and that can mean that even if he whole heartedly agrees to all of my suggestions/boundaries [I have some of both] at the outset..as the corrosion of what is "normal" occurs I will possibly not know WHO forget WHAT I am dealing with.

He may conflict avoid and as a result end up making concessions to situations that I would definitely not be comfortable with..but I am not there to provide tension..and I just do not know how to work around it. I really don't.

In a lot of ways..I can't blame him..place me as a captive audience in circumstances that reinforce my weaknesses and I don't think I'd be a pretty picture either.

So I have some compassion.

At the same time though..I have to protect myself from further damage. Zero tolerance is I think the only way I can go.

So I'm leaving..hoping for a beginning, but knowing it could also be an end. And fearing I will not know the difference when I need to.

I hate adultery. I think I hate the military too.

Noodle

Noodle, don't overlook the most important aspect of all - yourself. Having trust in yourself.

Trust that you can handle anything now (because you already have with regards to his infidelity)

Trust that you made the right decision when you married him, and then again when you remained with him after the infidelity.

Trust that you will know if something is up. Yes you will.

Trust that you will KNOW how to handle it now. Thanks to MB

Trust that your husband will do the right thing now. (you got to start somewhere Noodle with this)

Mostly I think it is about trusting yourself. And having faith that he will not risk losing his family now that he knows the damage already done.

When a husband has shown that he is weak when he should be strong, it is hard. But this is your chance to give him a chance to be the man you once thought he was, and that he can be again.


For me Noodle, I realize now that both times I ended my relationships, it was actually myself that I no longer trusted. I never gave either my DD's dad or my ex fiancee a chance to proove themselves. I feel I failed as much as they did when they practiced deception, because I bailed when our relationship was put to the real tests. Both times.

That's my take on it anyway. I'm like KMEJ though and I like my time alone. But then again I haven't been in a longterm marriage with kids like you are, so our experiences vary greatly.

Weaver,

I don't have trust in any of those things.

Not one. I can't make it so by saying so..and it probably would not be wise to try.

I used to love my time alone too..but now, when we are separated I just can't seem to seal the leaks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Noodle

Noodle,
Please tell us what you do, or can trust.

Perhaps you can find a starting place.

SS

I don't mean blind trust in him. Heck no. Agree on the ground rules you and SF are talking about, of course.

You have to trust yourself Noodle. That you are strong, you are lovable, desirable, he will miss you as much as you he, and that you are able to sense any bullcrap and deal with it. That YOU will get through those five months. That you will have such an incredible communication thing going. That he will be dying for you and only you, because you are so damned easy to talk and easy to think about.

You must have a certain amount of trust in these things, or you would have bailed already.

He agreed to change careers. Not an easy thing to do, I am sure.

And you trust that this big move is for the greater good of your family.

Concentrate on the things you trust, and they will grow and expand, as in all things you give energy to.

SS,

Your Q threw me..it really did..because I can not and do not trust anymore. Period. That part isn't about H or his actions post D day.

It's like..that part of me is just not there..or is a door that is locked, and I don't have the key.

Noodle

There needs to be something to start with.

Weaver has some good points -

You are making the move -

Perhaps we can go at it a little differently.

There is knowledge - I have been to NY city, I know it is there.

And -

There is faith - I have heard others tell of London, I believe it is there.

What do you belive, or what do you hope for? Where do you want to go with this?

SS

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

SS,

I believe that remaining where we are, is certain failure.

I hope that when removed from forcible participation in an environment that reinforces Hs weaknesses, he will be able to remain removed from it.

I hope that we will be able to carve out something that we can both live with.

The choice that I made..was between certain failure, and possible failure. Easy choice.

I hope that at some point in my life..if given the opportunity to avoid this by not having ever met H..that I can answer that the end was worth the loss. That day is not today.

I love, but I do not trust or have faith. In some ways..a lot of ways, those words are lost to me.

Noodle

Oh, and I'll take that order with a side of.."I'd like that to be good enough" Whatever we are able to get out of what's left over in this marriage. I'd like it to be good enough that I don't feel I have wasted my life.

Noodle

noodle, I wish I had some good advice. You'll get through it because you have to...but I know that doesn't help. {{noodle}}

So the situation is the lesser of two evils.

Tell me about you.........

Do you believe in yourself?

Are you trustworthy?

Are you reliable?

Do you believe you can be happy again?

Does happiness depend on someone else?

Not sure when I can get back to you - but I will ASAP.

Just so you know, I believe in you.

SS

Noodle,

I believe in you too!

Look what you did with the sexual aspect of his betrayal. You took a tremendous amount of strength and bravory, put you own spin on it and turned it into something you could live with.

Something owned by you and hubby. Not owned by hubby and OW.

Now that is what I call imagination. It is also self-preservation.

Please re-read the things I said you could believe in, because that is the up side of this separation. Things you can focus your energy on.

SS can probably relate better to you in your own type of intellect than I can, but I do know that you have got to focus on what you can control, what you can bring into this. In other word where you put your energy and your imagination to fruition. Bringing what you are into the relationship and separation because you are a strong, lovable, desirable woman.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong> So the situation is the lesser of two evils.

Tell me about you.........

Do you believe in yourself?

You'll have to expand, I'm not really sure how to answer this.

Are you trustworthy?

Yes, to a fault

Are you reliable?

Yes


Do you believe you can be happy again?

I'm not unhappy now. Can I be satisfied in my marriage..I don't know. I don't expect to be right this moment. Or even a few years from now. However, I do not have the ability to predict that this will improve with any reliability. I have what is past, and what is present. Right now I am unsatisfied.

Does happiness depend on someone else?

No. Not my overall happiness..my overall quality of life. I am unhappy with having a selection of choices that are all unattractive to me..and trying to best guess which will be the least bad in the long run. Meanwhile..people are dying and being born, going to school and eating lunch. I am a very insignificant piece of this thing called life, my Hs sex with another woman is more insignificant still. In a hundred years no one will know or care.

I WANT my piece though. I want as much from it as I can get. I am concerned that trying to LIVE day in and day out with Hs affair will stain my life in such a way that when I am in a position to look back, I may realize that whatever aspects of life I enjoyed with H post A..the price was too high.

Of course..reverse that, and I have a strong argument to stay.



Not sure when I can get back to you - but I will ASAP.

Just so you know, I believe in you.

SS </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for taking the time to post.

Noodle