This may sound like a really stupid or inappropriate question, but I haven't seen it addressed here. I know the way some BS react to the A is to have one of their own. Can anyone who has experienced this please tell me their thoughts? It has been 14 months since I discovered my WH's A (D-Day 2 Dec 03) He had just ended it immediately prior to my discovery and has had NC since. He is completely remorseful, loving, attentive and I believe he will probably never make the same mistake again. My problem is that in spite of all this, I am still so pi**ed off sometimes that I just want to smack him. There is a part of me that wants to give him a taste of just how I feel, how badly that kind of betrayal hurts. Is this normal?

Diane
M 7.5 years
Together 15 years

Diane,

Revernge affairs do happen. What you describe though does not sound like one....yet.

What type of recovery work have you and your H done? R U in any sort of MC or IC support? Have you read the concepts section above and taken the emotional needs questionnaire? Have you read any of the books by Dr Harley or others dealing with the A and recovery?

Have you both identified what happened in your M that led to the A?

L.

There are at least four reasons why it is not a good idea to start a revenge A:

1) Two wrongs will not make a right. It will just double the wrong.
2) It will not be a sweet revenge even if it is successful. This will not be an undeserved blow out of nowhere or a knife in the back like you experienced it. The WS may even feel it was a deserved blow. It will certainly not be as devastating to the WS as it was to the BS.
3) You will experience much less of the "benefits" of the A. You will feel much less of the thrill and the A will be less of an ego boost to you. On the contrary you will loose self respect from it.
Sorry, but you will enter the A with the wrong mindset. It will not be rewarding to you at all.
4) It is a very cynical and cruel thing to do to the OP. You will be using this person like the worst predator OP uses his victims. It will be a very selfish ting to do.

I suggest you choose to vent here instead to get rid of the frustrations, and than do a superb plan A towards the WS:

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>

Diane,
I asked this same question awhile ago. For me, it would not be revenge, though, as my H tells me that I SHOULD experience it. He hasn't really changed his mind on this in the last month, except now he says if I did it, I would leave him. There is part of me that still wants to do this, but also know that, as Frank57 said, would be an awful thing to do to the OP, as well as my marriage.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one thinking that way.
True

It's very normal to feel angry and want revenge. We feel diminished and unwanted by the WS and think that having our own affair will restore our self esteem. Unfortunately, it would have the opposite effect. Since affairs are morally wrong, we would be doing something we know is wrong which would HARM our self esteem, not enhance it.

Just ask any WS on this board if they feel their affair caused them to "esteem" themselves. I think most would tell you that it only caused them to loathe and disrespect themselves, which did nothing to aide their self esteem. It is a major blow to their self esteem.

I can't think of a more appropriate saying than this one to apply to this question:

Revenge is like taking poison and expecting the OTHER person to die!