I don't KNOW what to do. I know that if I file the D, she is gone, guaranteed.....maybe.....maybe there is still a love within her for me - I can't tell. But if I give her the space, there's a chance I can still build her love bank. I'm so confused. There are no guarantees, I know. And I need to think this over tonight -she isn't moving till this weekend - I still need to find out more. She confessed to another lie a while ago. I am too stressed to think this out. The kids are going to pay, no matter what.....this bites

I agree with the others that she is moving out to carry on her affair unimpeded. And sadly, she is trying to drag her kids into it. She is uprooting her kids in order to make herself feel "comfortable" and to normalize the affair. It is very common that a WS will associate their children with their affair partner in order to add some normality and undeserved respectibility to an abnormal and disrespectful situation.

I would recommend drawing the line where your children are concerned. They should not be sacrificed on the alter of some false notions of appeasement associated with Plan A. They should not be ripped from their home to accommodate her sleazy affair.

It sends a terrible message to children to be exposed to an affair partner and I strongly suspect that this will happen if they are allowed to move with her.

In order for her affair to die a quick death, she needs to feel as uncomfortable as possible, and losing custody of her children might help that process.

And I hope that you do continue to expose her affair whereever it makes sense. As you can tell, the exposure makes her very very angry and uncomfortable, which is the desired effect. I think you did the right thing in telling your pastor. And sure, you might have confronted her first, but you already know that she did not end her affair so its unrealistic to believe that confronting her first would have ended the affair. You HAVE confronted her and she has not ended the affair.

Melody - thank you for your insight. I need much more of it. I've been pretty certain of things, but she always points out my LBs so well that I can't help but understand why she wants to be away from me. I do not and will not excuse her affair...

This is going to be the roughest night of my entire life. Its tonight I decide whether I lose my wife or not. After 18 years that's a hard decision.

David, grieving

David-

You don't have to decide if you're losing your wife or not. That decision is out of your hands....arrrrgh where is Mortar, your wife is doing something so similar to what his wife did...I know he could help.

You have to stay the course David......I think Mortar will say to continue with at least temporary custody......David THINK!!!!!!!!!!!

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete:
[QB] Melody - thank you for your insight. I need much more of it. I've been pretty certain of things, but she always points out my LBs so well that I can't help but understand why she wants to be away from me. I do not and will not excuse her affair...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She needs to focus on your LB's to detract from what she is doing: having an affair and destroying her family. I am not saying that you didn't contribute to the state of the marriage with your behavior, but I don't believe for a minute that is why she is leaving.

She didn't feel the need to flee the LB"s until she got involved in an affair. It is a very common pattern that the WS will demonize the BS in order to justify the affair in her mind. This is classic WS behavior.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is going to be the roughest night of my entire life. Its tonight I decide whether I lose my wife or not. After 18 years that's a hard decision.

David, grieving </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean? Why would you lose your wife? Can you help me understand?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete:
<strong>

I am playing this by ear right now - I'm not sure what's right or wrong....I trust her with the kids. I trust her abilities, and I trust that she will keep her end of this bargain unless I screw it up. Or she decides OM is the right guy, and that I am terribly afraid of.

David </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">David, please believe me when I say that it is a huge mistake to trust her now. She is not trustworthy. She is in an addictive affair and must lie and decieve in order to maintain it. I cannot tell you how many times we have heard "I need to move out to think" on this forum over the years. It ALWAYS means "I am moving out to carry on my affair unimpeded."

Spouses who truly want to work on a marriage don't MOVE. They stay there.

She has already proven to you that she will lie and decieve in order to carry on this affair. And she is doing it now. Please do not set yourself up by trusting a demonstrably untrustworthy person. And whatever you do, don't trust her to have the childrens best interest at heart right now. If she really did, then she wouldn't be having an affair and wouldn't be destroying their family.

I know this hard to hear, but it really imperative that you accept what is happening and not fall into the trap of wishful thinking right now.

Hi Melody -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is going to be the roughest night of my entire life. Its tonight I decide whether I lose my wife or not. After 18 years that's a hard decision.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>What do you mean? Why would you lose your wife? Can you help me understand? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have the papers ready to file. If I file, she will never turn back, she will be gone. But I KNOW this affair can't last. It's a foolish fantasy. If I am still there, waiting, when it's over, I still have a chance at pulling my family back together. I suppose there's some sort of tiny, remote outside chance that she may reconsider me after a divorce and affair, but I know her very well - she never looks back - once she's done with someone, there is no turning back, ever.

That is unless God is working at something else, but she seems to have abandoned Him all together.

If I sound confused, I am. I am in shock. Read "The State of Affairs" tonight. Helped some - explained our relationship, but it also showed me where I need to grow, and there's still a long way for me to go.....

David

I think she just did something else to me tonight! I got all my W2s (4 jobs last year) and she filed them electronicly - but I think she did it via electonic deposit - and she has just taken my name off the bank account - she doesn't have access to my new one. Could she have stolen all that too? WTF! (Sorry). I can't see how she would have filed it any other way...she knew I was going to use that money to pay the kids school tuition...

David,

As I see it, you are reacting to her words, and you are ignoring her actions. her actions are taking your kids, betraying your trust & privacy, and setting you up to lose EVERYTHING.

By everything I mean you will lose your kids, your peace of mind, your M, ALL OF IT will be gone if you do not STOP LISTENING TO HER WORDS.

You HAVE TO only react based on HER ACTIONS>

You should still file the D papers, let her be served, it is not an LB for her to see that you are serious about saving your kids, and then you can save your M. I am in a similar situation, I have to save my kids BEFORE I can even think I will save my M.

Please listen to Orchid, and what I am telling you. I want nothing more for you than for you to save your M, but letting her play you like this is going to ruin your M, and destroy your kids.

Hosea

David,

I'm a lot like you. My w can work me with a few smiles - a few nice words. I know better than to trust her - but it feels good to imagine that it's true.

I'm going to be blunt.

Right now, you look to me like roadkill - some little bloody bit of fur that your W is bouncing every time she drives over you.

DO SOMETHING!

Secure every important piece of paper.
Secure your wallet. Get a safe if you have to.
Make sure she doesn't have key to your truck.
Keep stuff at the office, but in a friends desk, not yours.

DO NOT GO TO WORK IF YOU THINK SHE'S GOING TO CLEAN OUT THE HOUSE AND TAKE THE KIDS. If you have to go to work, hire a security gaurd or some such to protect the house.

Put a tracker on her car so you know where she is or has been.

To be honest, your w doesn't seem very smart for a law student, and I think you can beat her, but you've got to start using your head instead of your heart.

Talk to your lawyer. Once you have filed, she will be under a court order which will protect some of your assets - and the kids.

-AD

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

David,

I have still been following your thread but feel a need to step in here and speak up.You need to start protecting yourself MORE! Your WW is taking your W2's forms and filing taxes without your consent? AND taking your name off the bank account( I don't see how she did this if it's joint)?!?! CMON.She is steamrolling over you.Plus the children issue.I am so upset reading this thread.You need to get going big time on stopping your WW and her behavior toward you.This is COMPLETELY unacceptable!

I would say that you need to stop focusing on the marriage right now and any hope you might have and focus on protecting your rights! You are on the cusp of losing a lot.She is way out of bounds here and who knows what she is going to pull next.She has your journal,she wants to take the children,she lies to you.UGH.The A isn't over.She is plowing ahead with her selfish behavior and she wants you to believe that she is being the model wife and mom right now whcih is ridiculous.Don't believe it for one second.

It's time to release the intimidation you feel from your WW and maybe throw some back.Enough of this I say.You don't have to be mean and DJ or LB but stand up and fight for your rights.She has to hear from you that you are not going to accept this any longer.Protect those personal documents.Clean out your home of anything she can grab and use against you.Put it is a safe place.Don't let her have access to your mail.Let her have all the "space" she wants.All she is thinking about is herself,not you,not the kids.A WS is best left alone anyway in that state,like Plan B.But the kids do NOT go with her,at least not entirely.Their home is with you until there is an official D.Don't let her set this precedence.

O

DAVID!!!

I am a CPA and I am certain that the IRS will not deposit any tax refunds into a bank account that doesn't have each tax payers name on it. CONTACT YOUR LAWYER!!!!

David, I too trusted my wife, with my life...right up to when I pulled in my driveway from work and there were 5 cop cars waiting to toss me from my house and SERVE ME WITH DIVORCE PAPERS (I was reinstated and her attorney was reorted to the bar for her mainpulation of the system).....Here's a 2x4 with a baseball bat kicker....

LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE!!!!! Your wife appears to be a master manipulator...IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!! You have lost your wife. There is no winning her back...she's gone...remeber she "needs to find herself"....FOG TALK....my God....Stop being a victim.....Why do I say this...I did the same thing!!! I waited...and waited....and then when she finally just did it...I was still devastated....

Protect your family....don't waste a minute or make an excuse...JUST DO IT!!!

I agree with others here. You are terrified that if you file for D she will leave you for good? Well, guess what -- that's exactly where she wants you. As long as she's got you bullied into sitting in silence and waiting for her to come home, she can run roughshod over you and the family -- and that's exactly what she's doing.

As another poster said, look at her ACTIONS -- not her words. Her words mean nothing now because she is a WS.

You are terrified she will leave? She has already left. She is moving into an apartment to be with her boyfriend and she fully intends to take your children to live with him. Is this okay with you?

Women do not respect men who claim to love them but will not lift a finger to fight for them. If you just sit there in cowed silence while she takes everything you have -- including your children -- she will conclude that she is not worth fighting for and she may as well stay with OM. Is that okay with you?

You are rolling over like a whipped puppy in hopes that maybe her leaving is only temporary and she'll come back if you're good and don't make a fuss. Forget that. That's not the way these things work.

Get up and do something *right now* to protect yourself and protect your family. She will hate it, but guess what? Underneath she will also respect you for it. She will NEVER come back to a man she does not respect.

Good luck. I feel for you. I just don't want you to lose it all because you trusted her words and turned a blind eye to her actions. It's got to be the other way around.
Mulan

Melody -


<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She didn't feel the need to flee the LB's until she got involved in an affair. It is a very common pattern that the WS will demonize the BS in order to justify the affair in her mind. This is classic WS behavior.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has been talking on and off of getting divorced for a long time - which is why I came to MB in the first place - I wanted to save my M and discovered a lot about me that I didn't know, and the ways to change it. But to tell you the truth, I don't know how long the A has been going on, they've been friends for over a year. So I don't know, maybe she'd been thinking about the A for quite a while, or wanting it something - she asked me for a separation in Sept because I got drunk and sick one night (I can't touch the stuff, it's poison for me), and that's when things really started getting bad.

That's why I am having the trouble I am - I know its about the A - she's definitely not quit - told me Monday how much he loves her and how much better he is than I, and a couple of days ago I found a note she'd written to herself all about how much she loves him, how he makes her feel like a high school girl, etc., and there's a crunmpled up piece of paper on the coffee table next to all my W2s that has his name with hearts all over it (good lord). I know it isn't over.

Here's the deal - I don't want to lose my kids, but I don't know how to face the custody battle. I've no experience in that.

To tell the truth, what I sense is that this is some sort of lab experiment for a group of second year law students and I am the rhesus monkey - they want to try out all the new power they are getting, and, coupled with my wife's controlling personality (she's the leader of the group) they want to see what they can do to someone - anjd I'm that someone.

I am talking to my atty. But I am very scared. Maybe that makes me a wimp, but if I can't say that on these boards, where else am I going to get to?

David

Being scared does not make you a wimp. You have every reason to be scared. What you are experiencing is a series of MAJOR TRAUMAS!!

I really feel for you!!

Continue to come here to find the support that you are truly needing.

Take Care

YES COME HERE FOR SUPPORT, BUT FIGHT FOR YOUR FAMILY WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW .......please listen

We are not trying to beat on you, you get that from WW, we are concerned for you & your kids.

I am in the middle of a custody BATTLE MYSELF and I will be here for all the support you need. email me in private if you want

mfuller4@tampabay.rr.com

David, I can't stress this enough, FILE FIRST this will kick in protections for you, and your kids.

DO NOT LET HER TAKE YOUR KIDS WITH HER

My wife set up an apartment, moved her OM in with his 2 kids, she gets incredibly mad when I refuse to let my kids be around OM, but deep down I know she respects the fact that I am looking out for them. I may not be able to save my M, and this may be the case for you, but we can both SAVE OUR KIDS

In His Love

Hosea

David,

Need to give your some backbone here. Need a transplant? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Get with a good MC or better yet, call Steve @ MB. For a quick boost to your confidence. Remember you are the sane one here fighting for your M and family. Don't lose out to the wiles of the WS.

Know that the WS will attack the very core of the family unit. Instead of being your trusted ally, the WS w/b your worst enemy. Don't give trust to one in such a condition.

Listen to what is being said here. You really have more going for you than you realize. REassure your children of your love and commitment to them. They need to know and in turn they will give you yours.

If you need to talk to one of the MB guys here, give a holler. A few of them talk to fellow MBers. It could help if you speak with some MB dads.

L.

Hi Hosea

I'm working on it. She pretty much set this up from some time ago, I'm now starting to see - no atty I've found so far will work without some sort of retainer, and she's bankrupted us for years - we live off my checks and her school loans. But she drained our bank account and pulled my name off of it - and from what the atty's have told me, using my journal in a trail is perfectly acceptable as long as the information is pertanent to the case. So her photocopying it has been in the plans. I don't know what is in there that could hurt my case, except for one entry where I said I was feeling suicidal, but the rest of it is simply working thru setting up Plan A, arguments for and against divorce, plus a lot of love letters to her and other more personal stuff that I never wanted anyone to read - none of it harmful, but very humiliating to have out in public where her friends can have a good laugh. Apparently they enjoyed my email love letters to her.

I think I'm stuck with losing the kids for a short while until I can set up a D + Custody case. She SAYS she has spent all her money, except what she has saved to live on for the next few months, I have no idea.

As for me and my house, pray that the Lord will somehow provide the funds I need - I can't get a loan (bad credit due to her enormous spending frenzies on MY CREDIT CARDS!!!! - I threw them all away and refuse any offers that come anymore.) She can't get loans except shool loans because she bought a car and never made a payment on it, then hid it for a year until the bank filed a lawsuit against her - and I finally returned it to the dealer. Her credit is far worse than mine - I just have 2 - 3K to repay on those cards and I'll be clean. Never did any joint stuff with her - she always wanted everything in her name, except my truck - she was on the title, although in a moment of clarity the other day she signed off on it.

Dunno what's going to happen next, but I did highlight the cutesy little note about George with all the hearts and left it laying on the table. Even the kids can see that.

David

Orchid - I'm considering a call to Steve - wanted to do MC with her (she told me I could pick the MC, but she said 'except SH'). I do need something - don't know if it's backbone - there's just something about my wife - when she's not around, I can hande things, figure things out, do very well. Wouldn't even be in debt right now. But when she's around me, I'm putty. She's always affected me that way - I would do anything for her. Never good enough, of course, but I'd try anyway.

Kinda regret having spent 18 years going thru this - doesn't help to be an ENFP. Its hard not to react rather than act.

David