</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> OG, I was wondering if he shouldn't go to Plan B right away for that very reason? I don't know his situation well enough to say that though. I can see that contact jeopardizes his situation in a very big way because of his reaction. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that was my original question on this thread - cant remember. O - can't do emails - she passes then around to her friends to read. She let them all read some very beautiful love letters I wrote specificallly to her. Very personal. I no longer contact her by email

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once I have the money in my HANDS she won't have access to it. Although according to the IRS, she CAN electronically file my tax refund into her account because they have no way of elctronically verifying signatures. But they gave me two options: 1) file again - it will stop both filings, giving me chance to file again into my account, or 2) wait for the money to deposit and then notify their fraud dept, which would ruin her law carreer, and guarantee me custody.....hmmmmmmmm. How much do I love her... [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would give her the choice. Either you can refile - with the money going into your acct for the children - or you can report her for fraud. Which will it be?

Mel,

Yes I was thinking the same.She is obviously getting SOME payoff by being able to push David's buttons and is on the road to self destruction of which he would be wise to stear clear of.Based on what he is telling us,there has not been one positive outcome from talking with her.She is he** bent on doing things her way.Inappropriate,self serving,destrcutive and manipulative.

What do you think David? Can you shut down all unnecessary communication and leave it up to your Lawyer to start this process alone? Your WW will not like it but it's a consequence of her actions right now.Can you work behind the scenes?

O

It doesn't matter about her friends reading e-mails IF they are appropriate,businesslike,to the point and non adversarial.She can display them all she wants,to her own detriment,but this saves you from dealing first hand with her behavior.Let your Lawyer do the talking.Don't give out any personal info or send any "lovey dovey" e-mails,just what will take place from now on and that your Lawyer would be contacting her Lawyer.

Incidentally,is there anyone who can lend you some money for a retainer if you don't have the cash? You are really screwed if you can't fight her legally.

O

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 06:33 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

O - I'm trying to borrow money from everyone I know - there are people working on it - shoulo be set up by early next week.

As for plan B - I think I need to do that, but I'll need a lot of help - its a big step, and I'm not too sure what difference it would make. Although, when she just handed me the money she asked me why I am so suspicious of her...I looked at the note on the coffee table with the cutsey little hearts all around George's name and shook my head, turned and walked away. She left immediately.

David, let me tell you what good Plan B would do for you. First off, you would feel UTTER RELIEF being removed from her insanity after a couple of weeks. UTTER RELIEF. Secondly, you would be able to think clearly and rationally and make sound decisions once you remove yourself from her insanity and very destructive behavior.

Now, you say that she gave you the money and left. Where to? Is she moving tonight?

David, I just read this whole thread. My goodness. Please protect yourself and your kids.
I am worried that you will lose out if you don't take the appropriate steps.
You have received advice in many different forms here on this thread.
I just want to say listen to your heart. Don't let anger take over here. It is important to protect yourself and I agree with those who said don't let Cheryl take the kids.
Next, this may sound like I am contradicting myself, but I also think this is where plan A and of course, now plan B is still very much important. Don't forget that, that is if you still hope to save the marriage.
I felt a lot of panic and a tiny bit of anger in your posts, not only on your part but also in your descriptions of what Cheryl was doing to these past few days. She is obviously scared. Probably just as much as you or more. That would cause her to take the money and run. Also the advice she is getting from friends is purely from a legal standpoint.
I deal with attorneys every day at my job as well as many other regular people. One of my good friends is a legal secretary. Because of the nature of the job, I believe they think differently than you and I do. I do not mean that in a bad way, it's just their job!! So because of that, Cheryl is doing what she believes to be right. I can understand that and it seems like maybe you do too.

This isn't a battle against each other. It is the rest of your life. I think your actions toward Cheryl in these next few days are important.
Stay safe and take care David- you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Suzy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> Now, you say that she gave you the money and left. Where to? Is she moving tonight? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No - She was doing something at the school, at least that's what she said. Sometihng about moving desks and new furniture in the study lobby. I don't know what her next move is, or where she'll be, or what she is doing. Not my W anymore. I can't take anything for granted. Went to pick up a prescription, checked my blood pressure: 210 over 140. It's never been that high before. Not good. At least I work tonight. That is very healing.

David

Suzy, I won't let her take them if there is any way possible to stop her - it's sort of up to God right now, whether she can be slowed down enough for me to file on Monday. You are right, I'm in a state of panic a lot of the time, and I am really angry, and I feel very responsible for the whole mess. If I'd been a better husband none of this would be happening. I brought this on myself, and the only thing I can do is work at changing.

But I am considering plan B - I need to heal a bit - I can't take much more and be of any use to the kids. I'm on the verge of a breakdown. Cry all the darned time, I'm shaking, the A/Ds aren't helping. The ONLY place I find rest is my work at ER. For some reason, just helping injured or sick people, or calming down frightened patients and family helps me more than anything else.

David

David,

I broke down in September - totally broke down. My brother had to take care of me.

You know what? I got through it. You will to.
Reach out for help, pastor, doctor, friends, anyone. Your cheating wife is not going to help you. Don't believe what she tells you.

I pray for you all the time now.

Keith

Thank you Keith -

I can't break down. That's something I just have to avoid - my entire family rests on my ability to maintain and work and be there for them.

I guess that's when Plan B has to take over, because I won't make it much longer unless something drastic happens. She's too far gone, too alien for me to comprehend, and she is so concerned that I will get violent and hurt her or OM - I've never hit another person in my life. She doesn't comprehend a broken heart. I thought she would after what I did to her. I was wrong.

Keep praying. Thank you

David

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete:
<strong> Suzy, I won't let her take them if there is any way possible to stop her - it's sort of up to God right now, whether she can be slowed down enough for me to file on Monday. David </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">David, remember, you don't need a lawyer to keep her from taking the kids unless she has a custody order from court. You stop her by saying NO. That is not up to God, it is up to their father.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This isn't a battle against each other. It is the rest of your life. I think your actions toward Cheryl in these next few days are important.
Stay safe and take care David- you are in my thoughts and prayers.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this isn't a battle against her. If against anyone, it is with the insects she believes to be her 'friends'. It's a battle for my family. And I know my actons towards her are vital - especially over the next few days. I'm just unsure of the path to take - I don't want to hurt her, I want her to see the hurt she has done, and I want her to understand the impact - the consequences. But I still love her very much. If you knew her you'ld know why. My W is very special. This new creature is a monster. It hurts so much to see her doing this - and it is impacting her - horribly. She's losing wieght, she can't eat, she is sick...and yet she thinks she's going the RIGHT direction!

I could see a separation if the OM weren't involved: a chance for us to date, court, start over - if she were willing to work at it. But she is so blinded with this guy that she somehow thinks I am happy for her because she has found such a wonderful lover. She actually keeps asking me why I am so stressed about it...And I keep reminding her of Leslie (my XOW). She still can't make the connection. Leslie was just a whore (although it never advanced that far) whereas George is Mr. Wonderful. How could I not be happy for my best friend?

Arrrggggg. Frustrating.

David

David,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> too far gone, too alien for me to comprehend, and she is so concerned that I will get violent and hurt her or OM - I've never hit another person in my life. She doesn't comprehend a broken heart. I thought she would after what I did to her. I was wrong.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to say that it's unbelievable how women can think sometimes. Being a woman, listen to this story...


I had a time in my life, just a few months ago when I thought my husband was trying to poison me. I had been sick for over a month - was in to see many dr's and no one knew what was wrong with me.

A couple months before that we had a house fire when he was "conveniently" out of town. He has NEVER, in the almost 12 years that we've been married, left town - out of state for a week, let alone overnight- for a job.
Why on this week that he was gone, did we have a fire at our house? They say we were struck by lighting, but how convenient. I got my kids out at around 12:30 in the morning and we have rebuilt the damage to the house.

Too many things were not adding up. Perfect opportunity look like the grieving husband. A couple months after the fire, I got very sick. It scared me. Especially since no one could tell me why I was so sick. All of the many tests came back negative.
I think I had whooping cough, but it was never confirmed. I would throw up nearly everything I ate. Mostly would happen when I would cough, then gag and then throw up. I've lost 30 lbs since November. Not the best way to lose weight I guess.
I was VERY sick for over a month and have been fighting the residual effects for two months. Still cough uncontrollably several times per day and throw up every morning in the shower.

At tht time, Poison control couldn't help me because I had no proof. They wanted me to get records from the dr and hope they still had blood on hand that they'd taken a couple weeks before when I came in for breathing problems.
I never followed through with getting the records.

I am not crazy but sure felt like it at the time. I'd suspected my husband of an affair for a couple months and I guess I thought it was his way to get rid of me. I thought all of this AFTERWARDS, not during.
The only problem is that the fire would have gotten rid of his kids too and I can't imagine in my wildest dreams that he would want that. He loves them so much.
Sounds like I am one wacky woman huh? Remember at that time I had no proof of an affair but suspected. I was right. I did have a very angry and mean husband for most of our marriage. That alone justified a woman to think "crazy" thoughts, right?
Also, my car had some very odd things wrong with it at that time.
A small part of me still wonders if he was trying to get rid of me.
I am not crazy, I assure you but a lot of it still doesn't add up and there is a small doubt in my mind.
Sorry to go off on a tangent on your thread David, I guess I just want you to know that one can never be too careful! Women can be some strange creatures!!
Suzy

David-

What's going on now? Just wanted to get an update, you worry me. I woke up this morning specifically to come down and check this thread.

=Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> David-

What's going on now? Just wanted to get an update, you worry me. I woke up this morning specifically to come down and check this thread.

=Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just got home from work - really long night! Read SAA again, wrote two practice PBLs, I'm really stressed. At least everything is still here. I kind of thought I'd come home to an empty house - but she hasn't even started packing anything. Almost lost it last night at work, finally took a valium. I'm really thinking of calling Dr. Harley just to get some solid advice - I feel so lost and alone and awful. But I'm also really tired. Haven't slept in almost three days. I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.

Thanks for thinking about me. That means an awful lot.

Dacid

David-

Yes!! Do that, call SH, I am sure he will have some good advice for you to follow.

I am glad nothing has changed at least, where are the kids when you work in the evening?

David, I'm so sorry that you're going through all this, I think maybe Plan B will give you a much needed break from the insanity, as I'm sure your love bank is taking some wicked hits from her actions of late.

So you work in an ER, what do you do there??? I am a Patient Care Tech at a Level 1 Trauma hospital. I don't work in the ER, I work on the Trauma floor, the place the ER sends 'em to after they patch 'em up. I LOVE my job, I am on a short term leave of absence, because of my mental state, but I do miss it alot, I was always able to get my mind off of it at work, ya know, until break time.....when I'd usually fall apart. But there's something about the people that are just feeling lucky to be alive that make you feel that maybe your problems aren't so bad. I felt like that a lot of the time. But then I would also see the husbands and wives rushing to be at their spouses side, that made me profoundly sad. I would think, my WH isn't thinking about this, he's not thinking about the long term. *sigh*

So anyway, I understand the wanting to go to work, there were days I never wanted to leave.

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> David-

What's going on now? Just wanted to get an update, you worry me. I woke up this morning specifically to come down and check this thread.

=Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just got home from work - really long night! Read SAA again, wrote two practice PBLs, I'm really stressed. At least everything is still here. I kind of thought I'd come home to an empty house - but she hasn't even started packing anything. Almost lost it last night at work, finally took a valium. I'm really thinking of calling Dr. Harley just to get some solid advice - I feel so lost and alone and awful. But I'm also really tired. Haven't slept in almost three days. I'm gonna try to get some sleep now.

Thanks for thinking about me. That means an awful lot.

Dacid </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">David, I think it is a superb idea to contact SH. Can I make a couple of suggestions in the meantime?

1. Get some rest

2. Sit your W down and explain to her that you certainly don't want her to go, but she is not taking any furniture out of the house. Nor will she be taking the kids.

You really can't sit by and hope that she doesn't take the furniture or your children out of your home, you have to take control here and explain the facts to her.

It will be up to you to minimize her destructive mission as much as possible, David. You are the only sane adult here and it will be up to you take control and protect those kids.

W had a long (3 hour) session with out Pastor last night. He confronted her about the A, and she completely admitted all of it, including the fact that she was still seeing him throughout this week. (I had a very strong feeling she had been). Basically he started gthe first process of church discipline with her, which seems to have upset her quite a bit. He told her she csannot have any more contact with OM, she said it was going to be very hard, and that the temptation is there (that sounds like my W, not WS talking - W always tells the truth). She said she will do all she can to avoid OM.

This morning I asked her that she prove it to me, she fired back that she didn't need to prove anything to me after all I've done to her. I said that if she wanted or intended to repair our marriage, that would have to be the first step.


Last night I went thru a very extensive self-searching of my LBs toward my wife. I listed the ones I felt were the worst, wrote out a series of prayers and steps I can take to work out of them. I verified them with her this morning, she agreed, and pointed out that even while I was speaking of then, I used one on her - very true (dummy!). SHe wsa telling me how I lied to her, was not open to her, etc., and I said "Those are all part of the same thing" Big time DJ. Number One LB - the hardest one for me to overcome. In any event, I wrote out a contract with myself resolving to overcome them in the next few months - I am still intending to do a plan B, I have serious doubts that she will stay away from OM, even though I know she wants to right now.

She informed me that she does want to work on our marriage, but that she has to see changes in me first. Fair enough - I've done enough damage to leave a void that she felt an A would fix. I asked her to stay away from OM, she told me that this was one of the hardest things I could ask her. Fortunately I've been studying SAA, so I knew that withdrawal would be hard. I could totally empathize with that. She is not aware of Plan B yet, she bought herself a fridge, so she isn't acxtually taking much furniture with her.

Still discussing the kids - trying not to LB at all, but am being very firm. Pastor told her that she would be removed from the church if she did not come back into our marriage - that had a lot of impact, it was W thinking - at least for a while the fog was gone. I do know that most of her closest friends are in the church, and she is losing them.

I do need to let her go, and work on myself and parenting skills - have a lot of growth ahead of me.

Only thing that bothers me is that she has still convinced the pastor that the problems in our marriage have been all my fault. Hopefully as time passes and she does actually read HNHN (I'm giving that and SAA to her) she'll see that there is work she can do. One main problem is, and I'll bet a lot of you veterans can see this, is that, while she does not filll my top two ENs, she fills enough of them just being the person she is that I remain in love with her. She deposits in my Love Bank all the time. So I think our marriage truly depends on me continiuing on changing what I began in September, when I first founr MB.

Input, thoughts, guidance, suggestions, etc...I could still use the support...

David

Well, she is in the process of moving. The kids are here. But this is still the worst feeling I've ever had. I'm helpig her pack stuff - she has lots of stuff! But putting it into the truck and loading her car, and watching her drive away with it, without a look back, or a wave, is really hard.

Last night when I got home, I got into bed with her. We actually slept till almost noon - I think she must have been up most of the night fairly upset. I didn't sleep a whole lot. I just laid there watching her sleep, realizing I may never see her next to me again. I realized how beautiful she is, and how much I care for her, and the whole thing kept breaking my heart.

We've talked a lot today - she said she realizes she has to cut off all communication with George, but she said its almost impossible to avoid him because they are both in school together. I realize that, and I let her know that I have very strong reservations about that - that it will not help our marriage at all. She says she wants to work on our marriage, but that she needs to see some real changes in me before she will consider working with me.

Figures. Well, I owe it to her anyway, and I can't really expect anything else. I hope things will change for her once she is alone for a while - if she is alone. She won't give me her address. I don;t know what else I can do. For the meantime, things are wierd here but we're together, the kids and I. SHe is studying over at her new place with a totally different guy - that sets my teeth on edge too, but she says there's nothing between them except that they have an assignment due together.

I know that change for her will take time, and that I can't expect any remorse or love from her, but I am trying to be the right man anyway.

Still hanging on, I guess. She also still owes me 500.00 - still in her bank account. I should not have deposited my check in there - although I really didn't expect this...

David