Oh - Caren - I am the PFC (patient first contact) in the ER - quick regs, a little assessment of severity - learning a lot from the doctors and nurses - who to send to triage, who to place in waiting, mostly there to comfort and console and make the place friendly and welcoming.

David, you are not letting her take any furniture or the kids? Right? Please tell me you are protecting your children and their home right now. Please try to focus on your children instead of your grief right now. You can have your time to grieve after your children are protected from her.

Are you going to get your money from her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> David, you are not letting her take any furniture or the kids? Right? Please tell me you are protecting your children and their home right now. Please try to focus on your children instead of your grief right now. You can have your time to grieve after your children are protected from her.

Are you going to get your money from her? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes Melody, the kids are with me. She's not happy, but also does not have a way to really move them anyway - no beds, etc. She saw the sense in what IO was saying, at least for a while. Long enough to try for custody next week. She has a lot of work to do this weekend - is way behind on her homework, and is into decorating her new place. I hopefully will get the rest of my money later. She's 'studying' right now. Sorry - I shouldn't be sarcastic - she is trying to break up the A. I just don't think it will work the way she wants it to. It's more like the first couple in SAA.

She feels guilty, wants to work it out. But I know he'll get into her bed eventually. I hope not.

I can't stop myself from feeling greif - maybe that's a personality trait - and I also know that my ADs are not strong eenough to handle this - I need to contact Dr to up the dosage for a while.

Figured out that bouts of my depression have coincided with the low points in our marriage. Don't know why it took so long for me to get it diagnosed. I also wonder if my wife is having doubts about someone with a disorder like that...

Dang - I'm rambling on about nothing.

David

David, you DID GOOD!!! Good job protecting those kids!

And yes you should feel grief. Believe me, I am not saying you shouldn't. I am saying that you MUST put that aside occasionally when it comes to your kids. Do you see what I mean? You are all they have, David! They have no one else to look after thier interests right now.

Have you exposed this affair all over the place?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> David, you DID GOOD!!! Good job protecting those kids!

And yes you should feel grief. Believe me, I am not saying you shouldn't. I am saying that you MUST put that aside occasionally when it comes to your kids. Do you see what I mean? You are all they have, David! They have no one else to look after thier interests right now.

Have you exposed this affair all over the place? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, most people know it who care. The oddest thing tho - I guess I understand it - my church is sanctioning me too for the separation - I guess they hold hubby responsible for the actions of W. I can't take communion until my marriage is back together or she leaves me. It's just one thing after another. I'm really depressed right now. Guess that's normal, huh? She just called - on her way back for another load - her treadmill, her china hutch.

She just made me feel totally guilty again. I asked her for the money, she said she had spent some of it, but would pay me back. I said, 'don't worry about it, consider that 'our' money and you spent some, just like we always do.' And she said "Its never been OUR money - it's always been YOUR money, and MY money has always been OUR money." I've workd a long time to pay bills - depended on her at times throughout our marriage when I was at-home dad, or out of work, but I never considered anything "Mine" and "Yours" like she does (or is). She wants everything her parents gave us because it's 'hers'. Like there was never a family at all. SHe keeps telling me she felt all alone throughout the whole marriage - maybe she's right - maybe I did LB her so much that she has felt alone. She's always been surrounded by friends tho - I've been the one with the kids while she was out. Makes no sense. Fog, I know.

Just getting to me. And this moving business. It's worse than with my first marriage - I was glad to see her go. Cheryl, I don't want to lose. She is a much better person than XW.

David.

Please insist that she bring the money, David. She can go to an ATM and get it. You need that money for the kids. She shouldn't be allowed to take your family money to finance her affair.

I am really disgusted at your church. How can you be "sanctioned" for something she did to you? That makes no sense.

David,

You are NOT protecting your children letting her take money from the family. She has decided to NOT be part of the family any more. Get the darned money, and keep her away from your accounts, your checks, your IRS returns everything.

You are acting as if by groveling she will come back. She WILL NOT COME BACK. Do you understand this??? Until things change she will not be back but what you think needs to be changes is completely WRONG.

She should NOT be allowed in your house until SHE has met a variety of requirements. PROOF that there is now OM. Counseling with a reputable counselor. And marriage counseling with you. Change the locks on your doors tomorrow. Stop supporting her and stop talking to her.

She has treated you like dirt for years and guess what??? She is leaving. She won't be back unless there is someone waiting for her that SHE respects. You do need to work on YOUR issues, but you had better figure out pretty soon, that SHE left because SHE wanted to and it had little to do with you. She is just blame shifting and YOU should NOT permit it.

Go to the Pastor and set the darned record straight. She had already decided to leave, to have the affair, to continue the affair, to do whatever she wanted before the Pastor was involved. Expose her affair to her family, to her church, whatever it takes, and then start to lead your life.

You can plan A, no LB's, and still set realistic boundaries. And that includes she no longer has access to your house, your money, your efforts, and HER excuses.

If you knuckle under this time, even if she comes back your life will be H**L. Change, get stronger, refuse to accept the blame for this, and avoid LB's.

Please David your present course is just going to get you divorced.

God Bless,

JL

Mekody, I don't understand it either. But right now nothing makes sense, so I'm not even bothering to question it. The kids and I are going to watch a movie and have popcorn tonight before bed.

She just left with a load of her stuff - she's so happpy about all of it, and my heart is crumbling. I was trying to stay calm and just help lift the heavy stuff - she can't lift it because of her arthritis. She was on the phone calling all her friends to come over for a party. She got after me for feeling sad - saying something like 'why are you taking this so bad?' I just hope no one ever hurts her this bad.

When she drove off, I broke down and cried, in front of my 17 year old. I can't do that - he is depending on me being strong. I can't figure out anything. Now I can't stop crying at all. At least the kids are in the living room. Minus 'her' love seat. Big hole in the room. Matches the hole in my heart. Dammit.

DS 17 is in his room with the music cranked so loud the neighborhood is shaking. I don't like that music - it's so angry - but I know how he feels. I'm going to let it go for a while.

David, are you just not going to take control of this situation? Did you read JL's post?

JL - it wasn't that much money and she has no access to any more of it - my check e-deposited in the new account today. She is pulling the rest out of the ATM, but can only do 200.00 per day - her checks have my name on them and aren't any good. Kinda got herself in that deal.

I don't think I'm grovelling. At least not from where I stand. Maybe I am. I don't know. I did ask for proof of the end of the A, Asked for a NC letter and copies for me & the pastor. I will set the record straight at church - she must have told them something about me - no way to tell till I can confront them.

Anyway, JL, please keep up the 2x4s. Sometimes a slap in the face can stop a bad thing from happening.

But I still love my wife, it will take a long time for that love to fade. Even if I am mad (I am furious), I see her hurting herself and I don't want that to happen.

I'm still doing plan A, as much as I can - she is being very cold right now - maybe scared or upset or something - I'm just stayng calm and staying away from LBs. Although I have to confess, I LBd big time earlier today. Lost my temper, and DJd her several times before I stopped myself. I know that damages an already fragile situation. Jusy did it any way, stupid idiot that I am.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> David, are you just not going to take control of this situation? Did you read JL's post? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I read his post - what do you mean? Stop her from taking stuff out of here? I don't want that stuff anyway - it's clutter and I'm moving the kids to a more affordable place anyway. Most of this is going to be sold or donated. I'm not a pack rat - would like to simplify our lives. Get rid of the wet bar, get rid of the hundreds of books we've already read - I want to clean up and get a handle on things. I'm letting her take her stuff - that's all. Nothing that affects the kids, nothing that affects me.

I can't move all that crap into a smaller place anyway, and I want to pay off all my back debts.

I think that's a reasonable and sound plan - this place costs too much - one full check each month just for the house.

Am I missing something else that I shouldn't be doing?

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 09:08 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

David,

What you should be doing is looking in the mirror and taking pride in what you did and KNOW you can survive anything she throws at you, but you will be happier side stepping some of it.

When you stop apologizing for what you did, or she claimed you did, or what she blames you for, you will start to see a change in her. It will also affect your children in a positive way. You are THE leader now, so they are going to have to learn everything from you.

Make a list of what you want to accomplish and start working on it. Moving sounds good, do that.
Being a good/great Dad is good, do that. Worrying about your W is bad, don't do that. She is in an A and there is NOTHING you can do while it is going on. So stop worrying so much. She will have to be fully accountable for her behavior when/if the A ends. She will have to face her children, when they are adults and explain how she failed them, and she has failed them terribly.

Your job is to be THE MAN now and start to run your life on an even keel and with focus. I foresee plan B coming fairly soon just as it had to in MM's case. So start preparing for that by reading the articles on it, and getting together you letter. You will know when you need to do this, because you will start to wonder if she is the right woman.

No, LB's. You cannot make her see what she doesn't want to see, so LB's are really only going to provide her ammunition to justify what she has done. So quite feeding the lady, her A is nurished by LB's. Starve her A...NO LB's. Just walk away don't engage.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> David,

What you should be doing is looking in the mirror and taking pride in what you did and KNOW you can survive anything she throws at you, but you will be happier side stepping some of it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, of course. Unfortunately, one of the problems of MDD is an inordinate feeling of guilt - I need the doc to up my dosage - should have seen this coming. I alreasdy feel guilty for the LBs of 18 years of marriage - but the A/Ds aren't working - this is too big a situation for what I'm dealing with. Probably should stop posting till I get past this.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you stop apologizing for what you did, or she claimed you did, or what she blames you for, you will start to see a change in her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gotcha. I did appologize, just need to work on avoiding them now....

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, LB's. You cannot make her see what she doesn't want to see, so LB's are really only going to provide her ammunition to justify what she has done. So quite feeding the lady, her A is nurished by LB's. Starve her A...NO LB's. Just walk away don't engage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know, I know. Just hard to do at times. LOL. She can get to me in ways that no other human being can. I can face down the biggest, meanest, drunkest truckdriver that staggers into the ER and get him calmed down and chatting in minutes, but WS can tear me to shreds in seconds.

I am a wimp.

Davidiot

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 09:30 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

David,

You are not a wimp. I am a recently retired infantry first sergeant. I am the guy 126 soldiers look to in battle. I am the mean SOB that gets men motivated enough to run at machine gun nests and to risk their lives.

And that same guy was reduced to tears and completely destroyed by this woman that has now returned as my wife. I hought I was a wimp at the time to. But I tell you what I have learned, and I have begun to hear from those around me that were there thru this...that this has all been much harder than any combat I could have ever gone thru in my life. I have survived something that has tore me and my family to the core...and I am standing here today a better man, whether my wife came back or not.

David, shape up. Give yourself some credit. Most guys would just quit, give up on their families. Shoot, they would let their wife just take the kids too. You sir, have chosen the honorable route. And unfortunately, sometimes that route is the hardest...and very lonely.

But in the end, even if your wife doesnt return, there are some people that see what you are doing. Jesus is one. Those kids also. You have no idea how much what you are doing means to them. And their futures.

So, do what JL said. Get ready. Your wife has been remarkably similar to mine. And so Plan B is probably in the wings. Stay the course, give yourself some credit. And look at those kids at night and understand...all they have is you. And so far, you are not disappoiting them. They should be and will be proud.

And the thing is...in the end, so will your wife. But she will either find it out and come back...or find it out too late. And it will be her loss.

In His arms.

MM - you give me something to hope for. The future is still uncertain - I dunno if she has a d + custody ready to file or not - can't trust her words at all. Trying to get that prepared. Just a hard thing to get used to - and to watch her leave like it was the best day of her life really hit home....

I still am in love with her, which makes no sense. She even asked me how I could still love her - she said the only kind of man who would do that is a stalker or pervert - that it's not a real love. But that isn't true - and she knows it.

Dang

I've changed my mind about doing Plan B. Yesterday I sent W an email describing my LB DJ. I asked her if she'd be willing to help me end that habit - by raising her hand or something when she senses it starting, and that way I could stop, pause and try to reflect back what she was saying instead.

At the same time, I described what kind of marriage I wanted with her, and how I do not want the old one back,

She sent me back a very wonderful email that expressed a sincereness that hasn't come from her in a while. She thanked me for being direct and honest, and actually showing her that I plan on changing and that I have an actual action that we could share in improving our M.

While she may still be in her fog, I can see some light there. I'm a little surprised she isn't more upset about the kids, but maybe she wants to talk about that too. Anyway, she is coming over today to talk some more. Not expecting much - but last night was very humbling for me, and I think it may have helped us - it stopped me from being angry at my wife, and made me realize even more how much I do love her and want her to be happy.

David

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

She did it to me again, but at least I handled it better this time. She came back to pick up more clothes and her TV, I asked her how she was doing, she said she was really stressed because all of the moving was using up her study time. I remarked how I could see how that could happen. The she told me to quit pressuring her!

I hadn't said anything, so I recognized a fog blow coming. I just said nothing. She went off on how the church wants her to quit this thing (duh!), on how I want our marriage to work (duh!) and how the kids are rejecting her - they didn't even want to go over to see the new place. I know that hurt her, I said, "I'm sorry they don't" She blew up at me then!

Dang! She told me how she is trying to get as far away from me as possible, she never wants to see me again, etc. I just let her blow off steam.

Then she went to the closet, got out some really sexy nightie stuff, packed up a bunch of sexy undies and goes, 'Tonight's going to be a really special night'

That really stung, but all I said was, "I'm glad you hope so." I walked out of the room. I was ready to lose it. She put all the stuff in her car, and I locked the door and turned off the porch light. About 10 seconds later she was ringing the doorbell, pissed off that I had locked it. She had forgotten her glasses. I handed them to her shut the door, locked it again and wlaked off. I could see her calling someone as she slammed her car door and roared off. Hope she doesn't hit something.

Did I handle that correctly, or was I LBing her?

I was really hurting, it took a lot just to stay calm. And I now have a horrible image of my wife in one of my favorite sexy things, and that OM. She's gonna have to throw all that stuff away - there's no way I'd want it back....

Ramblimg, I guess

David

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

David,

You handled that very well. She was trying to get a reaction, she wanted to get you to go off on her, to justify in her mind that she was making a good decision. Don't give in to her insanity, the longer she continues to get the same message from everyone (except OM) that what she is doing is wrong, the better it is for your M.

I'm sorry that you are goi9ng through this, but fear not, I have a better feeling about your M, than I do about my own.

Hosea

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hosea_2004:
<strong> David,

You handled that very well. She was trying to get a reaction, she wanted to get you to go off on her, to justify in her mind that she was making a good decision. Don't give in to her insanity, the longer she continues to get the same message from everyone (except OM) that what she is doing is wrong, the better it is for your M.

I'm sorry that you are goi9ng through this, but fear not, I have a better feeling about your M, than I do about my own.

Hosea </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, thanks Hosea - it doesn't feel that way to me, but then, I'm smack in the middle of it. One nice thing about having this message board - objective views from others that aren't wrapped in the A or it's destruction.

And I am praying for yours.

David