or am I still there?

Not really sure. Things are going along swimmingly then bam out of no where comes just a tonne of crap and emotion - some of which I handled well and some which I botched really badly and I don't even know how I feel right now. Any comments, guidance, 2 x4's welcome.

1) son had surgery the other day, H came home for it. He was wearing a sweater that OW bought him at Xmas. When I asked where it was from he looked uncomfortable and asked if I wanted him to get rid of it. (Reminder we are not in recovery) I said someting non-descript. Made me crazy all day that stupid sweater. He has been doing every thing right, has been to see doctors and counsellors, came home to be with me and our son during his surgery - and yet he can be assine enough to wear something she gave him and not clue in how much it would hurt/bother me. Part of me wants to think he just put it on and didn't think. Other part wants to acknowledge that he is in withdrawal and this might be away of being close to her. Who knows. I opted for saying nothing else except just ranting to myself in a letter. The day was stressful enough and things were going well.

2) He isn't sleeping, before our son got released he went to his Dr. to see if the meds he is on were the problem. After we get son safely home - he leaves for his house and tells me the bad news. His doctor flipped. His blood pressure is through the roof and his doctor prescribed blood pressure medication, and tranquilizers to make him sleep and told him that he MUST deal with whatever he is so stressed about ASAP. He is now on depression medication, anxiety medication, blood pressure pills and tranquillizers to help him sleep.

3) soooo I am started to stress knowing that his state of mind about us, about what he has done, about the decision of whether or not to try is weighing on him, plus a few other factors. I don't contact him and leave him his space. By midday today I am convinced that when he comes over I should leave - as I might add stress. So I leave - pass him on the way he seems confused I am not going to be there when he is there. Then I convince myself I am probably making him anxious by my odd behaviour. Go back the house and try radical honesty. Don't know how to help should I leave you alone, or be here for support? He practically dozes off while I ask these questions. Then he just looks at me and I become more upset - wondering just what the hell to do to help. I ask again. He gets up and says he has to leave. I start to cry feeling hopeless and frustrated and because I have just done exactly what I didn't want to do.

4)I call him after he left - saying I just wanted to help. He really stresses and basically tells me to leave him alone (first time this has happened since OW was involved). I cry for an hour - he calls during this time and texts, saying he is sorry - just doesn't know what he wants - is scared and doesn't know what will help and just has to handle this on my own.

Instead of feeling better - I am pissed. Pissed and feeling like I am building a wall - I am ready to give up. I have been being supportive and understanding every since this started all through the lies, then the affair, and now through his withdrawal and attempts to do the right thing - and now, now when we are so close I am so stressed that I can't make a difference that I am ready to throw in the towel.

Pysche-

I don't think that they THINK about what they're wearing. My WH has like 4 fricken shirts the OW made him (They're tie dyed), he's had me wash them, he wears them to my house....OMG, you have NO idea how much I hate those F-in shirts...I will burn those stupid @ss things regardless of how this turns out....they're history.

As far as the rest of your post, I think he's just in withdrawl hon, just tell him you understand his need to work this out on his own, but that you are there if he needs to talk...and leave it to him.

-Caren

Psyche, you seem to be handling this pretty well. I liked that you just let the sweater thing go, even though it really bothered you. NOthing you could've really said w/o starting an argument and both of you feeling bad. When you're BOTH calm, perhaps you could gently explain to him that you know many men don't really think about what they're wearing, but ask that he take your feelings into consideration and either get rid of all gifts from her. Give him the benefit of the doubt here that he wasn't really thinking. Not that much of a stretch is it? (to believe he just wasn't thinking)

I know your worried about your h's health, but leave him to it. He created this situation, let him deal with it. But keep firm on your boundaries.

Do a search for Orchid and Reverse Babble. Or click on one of her posts, it should be in her signature line. It's good that your husband is doing many of the right things, but the Reverse Babble will help YOU when you can't deal with his foggy words/actions.

Aislinn-

I agree with you, I don't tell my WH my dastardly plan for those stupid tie dyed shirts either...LMAO, but I still secretly harbor a great hatred of them and will be the key to their undoing....

-Caren

Thanks Caren and Aislinn

Its such an emotional rollercoaster. I am worrried about him you are right. Truth is though I am finding it harder and harder to bury my needs while he finds his way out of this and I don't like that about myself much - I have made it this far and I truly care - so why am I more and more drowning in my own fears and insecurites and why am I letting them interfere?

I also think that part of my distancing reaction might be protectionism. When he still seems lost no matter how supportive I am or today when I felt like I was trying to give him options and he couldn't even pick one - then I become convinced I am in for another heartache and I shut down and start looking for places to hide and heal. Anger is about the only place that feels safe.

I know fixing this marriage is what is best for him, for me and for our kids. I just wish it didn't have to be such a nightmare to even get to that decision point.

The stupid things we do to mess up our lives!

Psyche...I hope you're not feeling guilty about making your needs a priority!! Your h may not be able to do anything about them right now, but you certainly can and you shouldn't feel bad about it at all.

psyche, my guess about some of what happened today is a combination of stress and medication. Don't put too much weight on things he says right now. Withdrawl is a tough time for both of you. You are right to give him space and aislinn is right his health is his to fix not yours.
{{psyche}}

I keep saying to myself - this is one day. One bad day and I appreciate the support here.

I think sometimes we forget we are on an emotional rollercoaster and when we are up we are convinced that nothing can stop us and when we are down we feel like the biggest fools.

I concentrated on being a mom today. I thought about all I do for my kids, my job and my sense of self. I am a good person, and I am there for him and if in the end that's all I walk away with - well its a lot more than some people have.

Thinking of everyone hurting out there tonight and wishing them a bit of peace.