Story in a nut shell:
Dday 11/04/04, found out who OW was 12/12/04, last physical encounter for A 12/20/04, EA continued, plan Aing my butt off, asked husband to leave 1/15/05, A completely over 1/30/05.
OW works for WH, she is 19 years old (WH is 37), was our nanny for 1 year before working with H. We have 2 young sons together, and a total of 5 kids (each from previous Rs), and we live with MIL who now is watching boys during the day.


1/30/05 was the day OWs BF called me thinking he was exposing (I hadn't exposed to her parents and didn't know she had a BF, my entire family and WH's entire family all know) and I told him way more than he ever imagined. Making a long story short, OW had lied repeatedly to my H (as much as it hurt both of us, WH told me of the A from day 1), he was devastated. He stayed home with me that night, crying and apologizing....feeling like a fool, we even had SF. I knew it wasn't a promise for the future, but at least a step in the right direction. He spent the next night (Monday)in the same bed with me, but no SF and he was taking back all he said the night before. He maintains the A is over (pre-A H never would tolerate lies and deceit, but I really don't know WH at all......is he so smitten that he would over-look that or buy more lies from OW?). He will not share details of his emotions over this, and says it's his fault and he'll deal with it.

I know they still work together. During the exposure calls OW claimed to be marrying BF in 3 months (he left 4am Mon. for military, 3 months before he gets his assignment), who knows what the real deal is. BF took my cell # and said he would call for reassurance or details.....I was dumb enough to let WH know that (when I thought,for sure, that it was over). Now, I don't know if it's just a secret or really over....and it's killing me.

WH still swears his lost "in love" feelings for me were years before A, and the A was an unfortunate distraction. He will not discuss any details over A ending or his feelings concerning it, as I said before he doesn't want to concern me. He spends random nights here (we're sleeping separate again <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) and other nights at his sisters. The last night at his sisters, we spent 2hrs on the phone (during A it was the time he would have spent on cell with OW) and earlier the same night talked 2 hours face to face (almost only him trying to explain his lost feelings for me, and his internal struggle to act on it or not {I'm his best friend, I am nearly perfect, if he can't be happy with me then he can't be happy with anyone}). I'll tell ya, he sounds so damn sincere.

In any case, I feel stuck. If he really is in withdrawl and I harp on reassurance that A is over, then I am pushing him or just plain old making things worse. If he still has EA going on, they will be so careful to keep it hidden now. SIGH

What do I do? Assume it's over until I know otherwise? Just keep plan Aing and let the chips fall where they may? I am just confused.

-Christine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

momma I am in the same boat as you are. Hope someone wiser than I can advize you. I will ck back to see what the advice is. Good luck.

Mommy-

I am not in the same boat as you, I am currently separated from my WH, I wish I was in the same boat as you, I wish I could have my WH here....I think anyway, I mean I guess I don't have it "In my face" constantly, but it's hard to work on a marriage when you don't live with the person.

My husband maintains that he loves me, that he will always love me, but that's not really good enough for me, as I'm IN LOVE with him.

I think that these MB plans actually work, if you do them. Are you in plan A?

-Caren

Just a few thoughts to start with:

Is your WH back at home with you? That would be a good thing.

He can not go through withdrawal until there is absolutely No Contact with her whatsoever that includes him seeing her at work.

Assume contact unless you have complete evidence to the contrary. It would be reasonable for you to be keeping close track of his whereabouts during this early stage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH still swears his lost "in love" feelings for me were years before A, and the A was an unfortunate distraction. He will not discuss any </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't buy this. Typical WH script.

What is your PLAN A? It is true though that there are particular ENs that the OW is meeting. Given her age, I would think in terms of ADMIRATION and SF.

Mimi,

I think you hit the nail on the head. He has not been able to tell me anything, said it was not my fault. Yes, admiration....he said he didn't know he needed it until she was fulfilling it. He's in the house daily, but spends the night off & on. His sister watches him for me, and so far he's not been on the cell with OW. My plan A is just being as breezy as possible, I don't talk about the R and where we're headed, give rubs and scratches when he's open to it, have regular phone and face to face conversations. It's like I'm ignoring that any of this happened or hurt me, just trying to be "normal".

Thanks to all for the input!!!

-Christine

Read up about ENs on this site or purchase the books HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS and SURVIVING AN AFFAIR by the HARLEYS.

PLAN A involves more than being "breezy". Your plan should involve giving him more ADMIRATION. Also, INVITE HIM TO COME BACK HOME!! None of this in and out stuff.....

The reason for coming back home: "to work on your marriage". Otherwise, you are giving him the message that it's OK for him to have a vacation from his commitment to your R.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi,

Let me give greater detail. I bought HN/HN before I knew it was an A, and still need to get SAA. I give the compliments and admiration, but he swats them away and says things to put himself down in light of his recent actions. I feel like I'm tilting at windmills!! I've asked him to stay home, but he sticks with his origianl story that the A distracted him from his original thoughts to see if he would stay in our M without being in love with me. He maintains that since the A is over, he will now be using this time to finally make his decision to stay and work or leave altogether.

Fog babble or a man really trying to come to terms with honest feelings?

-Christine

Don't expect him to show that your PLAN A is working.

I'm so sorry, Mommy.

It sounds like you have a cakeeater.

Don't buy his story. He's still in the fog and he is probably continuing to see her. Staying away from home will not help him get in touch with his feelings. That is such BULL!!!!

I would try to catch him just for your own personal power and informational purposes. Don't clue him in to the fact that you are going to do this!! Continue to PLAN A.

Plan A seems to be my middle name now!!

I will try to catch him, but with all that's happened in the last week, he would be very careful to cover his tracks.

Thanks, again.

-Christine

You're not alone in this!

Keep us informed.....

Come on here when you need us....

Thanks....this by far is the single hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. There is still such a part of me that can not even believe this is happening.

We had a yelling match last night....OW had called him with lies about me "poking" at her by leaving away posts on AOL...not true. I showed my WH my AOL member profile, that is what she didn't like....too damn bad. I've had it set-up like that since early on in this crap, just because the A is over doesn't mean I have to change it. In any case, he spent the night at his sisters, and this morning I got an apology and a hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Tonight he called me "Boo" in casual conversation....which has been months since I heard it (one of my pet names).

I will continue to be the light house. Thank you for all the words of support and guidance!!!

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this by far is the single hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. There is still such a part of me that can not even believe this is happening.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a normal feeling. Infidelity is a major life trauma as bad as the real death of a loved one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We had a yelling match last night </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO MORE OF THIS DURING PLAN A! This is a LBer.

BEWARE! WSes will pick fignts with you just before they have contact with the OP.

Try to not fall into that trap because he will try to provoke you into fignting with him. That way he is able to justify contact to himself.

Also, Mommy,try to stick with one thread as much as possible so we can find you. Thanks.

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I knew while it was happening that it was a big no-no. I was pissed, and let my emotions run the show. She flat-out lied and rather than him asking me, he took her word. She's the one who was busted on a million lies during BF exposure, I've been with WH 10 years and never lied or decieved him.

As I said, he apologized and hugged me. Stupid too, the phrase she was pissed about I pulled from a signature line here...."A woman is like tea, you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water". How she thought anything about it, then portrayed that I sent it to her is ridiculous!!!

I need to realize I have to ignore any of these that may pop up. My WH ended the A, I think she still may want to play while BF is out of the state.....who knows, I can't drive myself crazy thinking about it.

Anyway, back to being the lighthouse, and praying for our reunion. Thanks for all the support.

-Christine

Mimi,

I started another thread, because my other sat there so long..even after I bumped it.

Sorry

-Christine

Sounds like OW is going psycho...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Watch out. That's the kind that can be a real pain..... you know like fatal attraction.....ok maybe not that bad but from that direction.

Let your H protect you. Be a strong team. Move forward together. He will regret ever associating with the OW. Mine did. He said his taste in OWs were horrible. I agreed. Then I asked about his taste in wives..... (he's had only 1 - LOL!!!), he said that was good. He doesn't regret marrying just the A part. LOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Again, both of your recoveries s/b done for each other and together.

All the best,
L.

Thanks, Orchid. But, WH is still on the fence about fixing the M. I initiated a hug tonight, and he said "hey, you're not supposed to be doing that, we're on a break"...I finished the hug anyway. He's still saying lost "in love" feelings was years before A, and he doesn't know if he should stay or go.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A

I want to be a team again....I've been in "time out" so long.

-Christine

Ok MCB, so when he pulls back (like mine did.... initially), I pulled that ol' 1, 2 and did this dance:

BS: (at a different time, totally unexpected...), went to go give Xws a peck on the cheek, started to then pulled away....

WS: Hey, why did you stop?

BS: Don't think you are ready for this yet. Saving myself up for the right guy.

WS: What?

BS: Uh huh.... you heard me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
(walk away with a lilt in my steps)..... (slightly seductive w/swinging hips LOL!!!).

Just an idea. See he stopped you, like he wanted to retain some sort of control. In an R, that goes both ways. You can show yours at your chosen time. Try it sometime. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

He tried to stop me with words, but his arms were around me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Little steps

-Christine