This is about continued contact with OP.
I realized that I may be enabling my H to continue contact with her.
I thought I was doing a good plan A, however the EA has not stopped.
My H and I have been getting along so great lately and yet in the back of my mind, I know he is continuing to make attempts to contact OW, even though she does not respond to him. His feelings for me are coming back and he said the affair is dying it's natural expected death. I don't know if I should believe that or not. He seems so sincere yet one of the biggest problems is with him lying to me.
I thought Plan A was to help end the A. Why do I feel like I am being a door mat?
I am being encouraged to do plan B.
Kam, if you are reading this I dont mean to say you gave me wrong advice. I am just so confused. I have read plan A to death and I don't know what else I can do.
I've realized I love him so much. I love the way our relationship is these days. He is so kind and loving with me - something he has never been. Am I just blind? I don't know what to do.
He told me about a week ago that he had to stop contacting her at his own pace in order to get over this.
thanks

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: suzychapstick ]</small>

Suzy, I don't really know what to say except you sound like you need a hug. {{suzy}}

thank you. I appreciate that so much. I did need that hug.
I am so sad right now, I can't stop crying. He's asleep in bed. It's one of the worst nights I've had since I found out two months ago. He didn't do anything "new" that was wrong tonight that would cause me to be mad. If he woke up right now, he'd wonder why was crying. I just can't stop. I guess it's one part of the emotional rollercoaster that involves being a BS.
I think I am feeling sorry for myself right now. But I can't help it. Most of the time I am so strong for him. I just don't know that I can go on with plan A much longer. I'm not even sure I am doing it right.
The EA is still going on. I re-read my posts from the last few weeks and I noticed that in many of them I said that I thought the EA had stopped.
Well, I really did think that at the time. Of course I have no evidence that he's contacted her in the past week, so now I feel once again, that maybe it is over. But I am probably wrong. He hasn't told me it's over between them, although I know she doesn't respond to his emails and text messages.
As time goes on and I start to believe him, only to then I find out that once again, he lied.
How do you deal with that? How can I ever believe him about anything again?
Please, someone help me understand the point of telling lies. I am such an honest person and I can't even lie to my boss saying that my kids are sick just to have a day off.
Please help me understand. thank you.

Suzy, I have to go to bed but wondered if you had read this thread yet? It may help you wrap your mind around plan A a bit better. Bob Pure is the plan A guru IMHO. bob pure thread for newly broken hearted Get through this one day, one hour, one minute at a time. You will be ok, I promise.

Wow, thank you faithful for that link.

I know that Bobpure has a lot of presence on the boards but hadn't yet found that thread. I have spent most of today reading it.
It certainly answered a lot of my questions. Thanks again. It just hurts so much when he is being so great with me but yet I know his heart is still with her. At least I think it is. I really don't even know because unless I bring it up, he certainly won't!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me about a week ago that he had to stop contacting her at his own pace in order to get over this.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am curious ... what was your response to this nonsense?

Pep

Hi suzy - David here

I can really identify with what you are going thru - it seems that no matter how I try to work my Plan A, WW is still going full ahead with her A. She's lying to me so much no that I don't believe a single thing that she says - even if it's "I'm hungry." I keep plugging away at getting rid of my LBs and doing what I can to fill her ENs, although she doesn't seem to notice a thing.

I do know this - I don't think plan A will change her mind in any way. All I hope it does is leave some good memories at the end of it all, and if her A does end, she'll think back on what I've done.

Not much hope for that, and not much help from me, but wanted you to know that I care and hope it all works out well for you.

David

Pep, he told me this in the middle of our most emotional conversation yet. That night felt like somewhat of a break through for us though. We had both been crying and spilling things so I was very emotional. I felt he was being honest that night, so I have to give him credit for that I guess.
When he said he needed to get over it at his own pace I basically said that if this is the case I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel because it could go on forever! And it would. Before this conversation, I did see a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought he wasn't contacting her, or at least not as much.
I told him that I have a time frame set in my mind but I didn't tell him what that time frame is. He knows that if he hasn't gotten over it and stopped contact by that time, he is moving out.
Some people on the board have told me that I should demand NC but then he'd just lie about it anyway. I think I tried that at the beginning anyway.
He browses these boards too so he is familiar with the MB concept. Also I have repeatedly told him that before WE can start recovery, he needs to stop contacting her because he is hurting himself too. Even though it gives him a rush just to send her an email or text message it puts him back to square one again in the withdrawal process. It's like an addiction that he can't control apparently.
Since D day I have had a certain sick feeling that I can't shake. You know, can't really eat, shaky all the time, just sick all over, feeling sad and can bust out in tears at any moment. I wish that would all go away.

stop at his own pace......

ptuey!!!

leave the birds cage door open so the cat can look but not eat....

i have been there on his side and i just wanted to keep the "doors" open just in caes things didnt work out....so i finally cut her loose....things ultimately did not work out for us but i got another 10 months to try to make it work BECAUSE i finally let her go...had i not.....we would have ended right then with the temptation hanging around....may have been a good idea to end it back then but it WAS A GOOD IDEA TO CUT TEMPTATION LOOSE and is necessary if you are to have an honest chance....

i was in his shoes as i say

Hi David, good to hear from you! I have a lot of catching up to do with your posts. I've briefly read some of them over the past few days and it sounds like life is still a rollercoaster ride for you too!
As everyone says keep plugging away with plan A though, no matter how hard it is. I did a major LB the other night over a stupid cell phone issue (getting a new plan) and it was just a big misunderstanding. Later, I thought how stupid I am to pick a fight over such a minor thing. I felt horrible.
But, we as BS's have to be allowed to vent our emotions too a time or two, even if we are plan A'ing. Don't want to end up in the looney bin!!

Even though you don't think plan A will work, who knows, you may be surprised. I think about plan B all the time and how awful it would be not to have him here. But you know what? I know it would wake him the hell up!! How could it not?
Sometimes it is just so tempting to just move on to plan B. But then again, what if it fails. Then we are done. Take care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by suzychapstick:
<strong> Hi David, good to hear from you! I have a lot of catching up to do with your posts. I've briefly read some of them over the past few days and it sounds like life is still a rollercoaster ride for you too!
As everyone says keep plugging away with plan A though, no matter how hard it is. I did a major LB the other night over a stupid cell phone issue (getting a new plan) and it was just a big misunderstanding. Later, I thought how stupid I am to pick a fight over such a minor thing. I felt horrible.
But, we as BS's have to be allowed to vent our emotions too a time or two, even if we are plan A'ing. Don't want to end up in the looney bin!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At least I haven't fought with her in several weeks. I'm so sorry that happened. But we are entitled to mistakes - we can't be perfect all the time. My wife is so smooth at getting around me that I get caught by surprise all the time, even tho I'm on the defensive, expecting something unexpected. And there's something new every day.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even though you don't think plan A will work, who knows, you may be surprised. I think about plan B all the time and how awful it would be not to have him here. But you know what? I know it would wake him the hell up!! How could it not?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I bet it would - if you mattered to him at all!

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes it is just so tempting to just move on to plan B. But then again, what if it fails. Then we are done. Take care. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Suzy, I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. I'm going thru the worst stuff so far right now, Iand I can totally empathize - need things to be better, can't change the WS, yet want them so bad to come back 'home.'

Be praying for you while working tonight!

Take care

David

ny life really s....s right now...the only good thing i am trying to get control of what is left...i will be broke and i have no friends, by my choice now...but i will rebuild ...its my eyes i have no control over...

i wanted things to work so badly for us....and i miss her and my babies but i deserve and expect fidelity as i pledged that to her again last feb and it was all a game for cindy....

Hello knowalibis, I just realized you are that post with pages and pages and pages entitled idiotville. Thank you for responding to my post. I think its alway great to hear from someone who has been on the other side.

You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> stop at his own pace......
ptuey!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. The more I have read over the past few days I think I am just enabling him. I just don't know what to do. I feel if I demand he stop contacting her, then I am setting my marriage up for instant doom! But I know it has to stop sometime, as we can't go on like this forever!! Crap crap crap. It's just so hard. Any FWS want to add anything?
I am just waiting for the day that my WS tells me that the A is completely over and promises me that he will never contact her again. Aint happening. And as well as I know my WS, I'm afraid it never will!

thanks

okay I goofed knowalibis you are not subject of the pages and pages of idiotville!! I'm sorry, I only thought that because of your sig. please forgive me!!

Suzy