I talked to my IC about this the other day - I've pretty much lost all hope for my M to survive, but it's still important to me that my wife's affair does not succeed.

Never quite got my finger on why that is. Do I want to be right about affairs being doomed? Do I want her to be punished?

It's not intellectual. It's what I want, with the right side of my brain. I want it to fail, totally. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I want this affair to meet its doom, even without any reconciliation with the sparrow.

My IC didn't really do anything to help me figure out why this matters to me. She just gave me permission to want it to fail.

I want to let go, accept things, and be forgiving. But I cannot shake this desire. I want this affair to crumble into a million pieces.

I reflect and meditate and try to tell myself to be compassionate and forgiving and let it all go.

But honestly, the utter failure of this affair is what I wish for.

???

GC

it is strange i feel the same way ,, my wife left for the om 12 months ago ,, i suppose the reason i want it to fail is to prove to me that in the end the om wasnt a better partner to her ,,, but i dont doubt that eventually it will end and when it does i then can say to my self if the om was so out standing then it would never have ended

GC, I'm like Bob Pure, I don't like giving an opinion when I have no direct experience of a situation.

But, from observation of the real world, I have seen that relationships from A's rarely survive the distance.

I think that once you have got through the D and the grieving for the m you had, the A ending isn't going to mean so much to you.

But, as I say, I have no experience of this. I've seen how Believer is now - indifferent.

GC, you ARE going to make it through this.

Jen

another reason why i want this trash to fail is so that then i might feel like i have closure ,, i feel like i am in the middle of a game and at this stage the om is winning...

Hey GC - I don't think that there is ANYTHING wrong with wanting evil to fail... What Sparrow and the OM are doing is evil...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Jen, I know you're probably right... eventually I won't care.

My IC asked, "What's wrong with wanting revenge? What's wrong with wanting them to suffer too?" I said, "I want to be better than that, and I want to have compassion for them, and I want to feel like they've suffered too... and I tell myself that, but I don't buy it. If this was all that unpleasant for them, they'd just stop. They've had plenty of invitations from me and car4love to knock it off and get half a clue about their hedonistic romantic feelings and seek forgiveness."

Grieving takes too long, goldarnit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

GC

GC, you don't need to be better than them, you ARE better than them. You also don't need to feel compassion for them.

Old cliche coming up, the best revenge is a life well lived.

Jen

colboy, stick with us here. You're new I see. It's a good, safe place. And great for your mental health. Gotta go... see you 'round.

GC

GC,

I'm sort of with you on this thought. My now XH is engaged to his OW. I found out at Christmastime. I try and tell myself to just let it go and wish them the best and move on. You know, do the "life well lived" thing.

And I don't know why I hope they don't succeed--I care about him still, but I don't want him back, at least not in his current condition.

I don't really want him to get married and then have the marriage fail.

I just don't want the affair to even get to marriage. It just bugs me. I think I just want proof that these things don't last, or that it wasn't because he was really unhappy with me that he left. I don't want to think he is any happier with her than he was with me.

Sort of a pride thing, I guess...with a little anger and resentment mixed in from time to time.

I'm starting therapy next Monday to try and help me work through my anger, resentment, and other garbage.

LL

Actually, GC, this makes a lot of sense and is quite normal. See, a lot of times the BS looks at their life as the divorce is almost final, and they see utter devastation of themself, their identity, their career, their family, their home...it's all laid to waste. And then they look at the WS and it appears that they are happy and in love, know exactly who they are and what they want, they are successful, have money, have a new instant family, and a fresh new apartment or house.

In simple terms, it appears that the WS wins while the BS simultaneously loses everything.

So, it is only natural that the BS would like to see a small crack in the facade.

Now, speaking from experience, as I said on your other thread, I've been around the block here several times with folks who have not wanted to be, but who ended up divorced. I would have to say that I could count on ONE HAND the number to A's that actually turned into long-term, healthy R. OTOH, I probably would need an Excel spreadsheet to calculate the unerring accuracy of A's falling apart within two years. Now, sometimes it's two years from the time it started, and sometimes it's two years from the time Plan B began, and sometimes is two years from the time the divorce was final and the BS "moved on." But the fact of the matter is that these R's have foundations of deception, cruelty, dishonesty, secrecy, and disloyalty. Period. There just is no way for it to flourish UNLESS the people in the A are willing to look at the issues that got them there in the first place and work on them. Yeah, right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> If they were willing to do that, they would have stuck with their S!

Nope, those A's are usually avoiding and running away from their issues, not addressing them! So there just is no way they can grow and become healthy. It really is all entirely smoke and mirrors, and they probably can not even admit that to themselves.

The trick is that you may have to wait an entire two years before you see that little crack in the facade that you long to see. If you remember, I recently posted that my exH and his OW had recently split--and they started up Nov. 2002. Hmmm...two year point?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Now, what gets me is that the exH was willing to destroy a 15 YEAR marriage in order to have a 2 YEAR what?? Fling?? The 2 year OW was supposed to be his soulmate and blah blah, but I lasted 15 years and she only lasted 2...but she was real and I was not. Which leads right back to the avoiding and denying--even to themselves. He avoided, denied and blamed in our M...he avoided, denied, and blamed in his A...and he still is avoiding, denying and blaming. I have no doubt WHATSOEVER that sparrow and her OM will follow suit, if for no other reason than that she avoided in the M, she's avoiding in her A, and she is still avoiding even now. It will fail...it's just a matter of time.

As sands through the hourglass so are the days of our lives. (heehee)


CJ

P.S. Consider this as well. It's now 1 1/2 years past D-final day, and here's where we stand now: WS--alone, creditors hounding, many lawsuits, barely employed, unhappy, crisis mode all the time, miserable, hates his neighbors, etc. BS--loved my thousands of friends around the globe, just cleared up my last debt, financially stable and secure, happy as a cat at a canary convention, peaceful, love my home and neighbors, beginning new practice, loving life.

It a long-term view, but I think I won.

It a long-term view, but I think I won.

YEE HAW !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

GC, why would you want to wish sparrow and OM well in a R built on the sinful devastation of your heart ?

I do not wish anyone to prosper with the benefit of stolen assets, not money, not trust, not love.

All blessings

gc, I'll bet that if you took the same personality test you'd be the same type as me. My IC tells me I have *too much* compassion and *too much* empathy. Tells me I consider the "other side" way too often, in detriment to myself. I'm too fair. You seem that way too.

I can totally see where you're coming from on this and don't think you're wrong in it. You should try not to feel guilty for wanting them to fail. My h isn't in his affair, but I know that I hope that every person he dates or sees ends up not working out for him for a few years. I see him getting married within two years of our divorce and that marriage lasting only 3-4 years as well...and more, I HOPE it happens that way. Why? I dunno...maybe one day I just want him to truly understand what he threw away here. Maybe I want him to regret what he did with me. So far, anyone he has dated/tried to date has ended up dumping him. woohoo!

**hugs**

GC </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've pretty much lost all hope for my M to survive, but it's still important to me that my wife's affair does not succeed.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry you have lost hope, but I think the thought of a successful Affair, is laughable.

GC, in the end, you will walk away with so much more than your W walks away with.

One day she will feel the impact of her choices, one day she will have to face her consequences, unfortenetly for her, you might have just moved on by then.

(((GC)))

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]</small>

My ex H left me for ow and they were together 6 yrs before they got married, they are going on 2 yrs married now. I STILL want it to fail and I'm remarried. It's not a jealousy thing, it's more of how much hurt they caused and not wanting them to suceed I guess

"If this were unpleasant for them, they would just stop"

This is a very very incorrect assumption. You're still looking at this from a RATIONAL state of mind, perspective. They are NOT rational. They are attributing the pain to OTHER REASONS - and they are sure that the buzz they felt at the beginning is due to a perfect chemistry - a soul match - and if they just ride out all this unpleasantness and pain and confusion - they will find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The more everything hurts - the stronger they hold on to the dream of that pot of gold. They THINK that THIS is walking through the fire - they don't realize that it's just a big bandaid.

You're still looking at this from a RATIONAL state of mind, perspective.

Don't I just always do that though, H4F? Of course you're right. From a practical POV, this is a walk through the fire for them. Maybe the longer the D process takes, the longer they can hold on in anticipation of the pot of gold.

Until that's done, they can blame other people for their anxiety. But after it's done, they'll be unable to blame anybody else for their unhappiness.

Aislinn, I've thought that about you and me - that our personalities are similar.

GC

Think of it this way GC - wouldn't it just make sense that if someone gambles and they keep losing money - that they'd just quit gambling? I mean, any rational person knows the odds are against them - why on earth would anyone keep going?? Because people become obsessed and irrational - they get addicted to the buzz of MAYBE THIS TIME IS MY TIME - and they just get lost in the game.

I also agree with CJ's 2 year theory. I've noticed that a LOT over the years.

i feel the same way many lbs feel here ,, i feel her new relationship is all good and rosey ,, i just wish that she would discuss our former relationship with me ,,, if i ask her if she is still happy with the om she just replys that she doesnt want to discuss it or not in front of the kids ,, i just feel like that the om is doing some thing right and that the last 13 years of our relation ship meant nothing ... we have 2 young daughters and they are with me most of the time ,, she used to be such a dedicated mother and wife , even when she left she said i was a good husband and father , i just dont understand she had no valid reason to run away , surly after 12 months she must be thinking by now what she has done , then again she may have done so much damage she knows it could never be right again,,but i am frustrated because i dont know what is happening between her and the om ,, may be it is all good on her side , but i dont know because i can not get any information.

colboy, it's not that hard for an affair partner to maintain his appeal. Once two people develop a romantic attachment (as in an affair), it's very easy to do all the right things to keep it going. Human beings are WIRED for this. When two people fall "in love", they don't even have to think about it. It all comes naturally.

But with a long-term attachment (like the post-romance environment in a marriage) in place already, the romantic attachment tends to have a limited shelf life, because there are so many unresolved feelings associated with the marriage that the WS just stuffs while she carouses.

GC

Gray,

I'ld like to see that particular affair fail too. I know it will though. I see nothing but misery in store for that man (i'll keep my opinions about sparrow to myself, out of respect for you) what he did/is doing to his pregnant wife is just plain evil. They will rot from the inside out. "as we sow, we shall reap"

I do know a few affair marriages that I hope would survive though.

One is between a couple of friends of mine. They are very high up in their field, were both in long term marriages with spouses who were abusive, selfish and uncaring towards them. Both tried for years to change their marriage around to no avail.

My male friend even pleaded with his wife to go to counceling with him, as he was falling in love with my female coworker. He tried to do the right thing and all she did was laugh at him and continue in her selfishness and bar life. The female used to go home at night and cry because her husband was so mean. The children in these two marriages were all grown up. But I wish they had found each other sooner because they are two of the kindest people I know and deserve each other.

I hope with all my heart their new marriage to each other blossoms, and I know it will.

This is not the case with sparrow and OM though. What they did was just plain evil in my opinion.

I'm glad you don't have kids with her Gray. To watch your kids suffer at the hands of such selfishness would probably be more than you could bare. And can you imagine having to let your kids go to their house under the care of that evil man?