</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> I talked to my IC about this the other day - I've pretty much lost all hope for my M to survive, but it's still important to me that my wife's affair does not succeed.

Never quite got my finger on why that is. Do I want to be right about affairs being doomed? Do I want her to be punished?

It's not intellectual. It's what I want, with the right side of my brain. I want it to fail, totally. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I want this affair to meet its doom, even without any reconciliation with the sparrow.

My IC didn't really do anything to help me figure out why this matters to me. She just gave me permission to want it to fail.

I want to let go, accept things, and be forgiving. But I cannot shake this desire. I want this affair to crumble into a million pieces.

I reflect and meditate and try to tell myself to be compassionate and forgiving and let it all go.

But honestly, the utter failure of this affair is what I wish for.

???

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GC, I think this is normal. I mean I feel the exact same way. I told my WW/STBXW that I really want her R with OM to fall flat on it's face. I don't mind if she gets remarried someday as long as it's not with her OM. I can not handle the fact that this guy who I feel played a major role in destroying my family, my marriage, my life being a step-father to my children. I want him to hurt as badly as I am hurting right now. I want him feel the devostation of losing the one he loves.

Like you, I talked to my counsellor about this and he said it was perfectly normal to have feelings of revenge toward someone who has hurt you so much. What really frustrates me is that my WW/STBXW won't even try to work on us. Apparently 10 yrs of marriage and 3 children don't deserve an attempt to keep it together. The sad thing is that although I am suffering, ultimately it's our children who will suffer most. Growing up in broken homes, seeing their parents on a part time basis. For what? Because my WW (who says she still loves me) won't give it one more shot. She is blinded by the fog that is her "in love" feelings for OM and thinks that is how it's going to feel forever. I've tried explaining to her that it will wear off. Hell, I felt that way toward her when we first met. Never felt anything like it and proposed to her within 3 months. Those feelings wore off a couple of years later and I was left wondering what happened. That was part of the downfall of my marriage. I didn't do anything about it. I thought I was destined to be in an unhappy marriage. Now I know better and want to show my WW/STBXW we can be happy together. We can go on and live a very happy life watching our children grow up together, but she does not want that. Like I told her I guess I'm "too little, too late" in learning how to love someone.

Anyway, I'm babbling here. I just wanted to say - You're not alone. I'm right there with ya.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4future:<strong>
This is a very very incorrect assumption. You're still looking at this from a RATIONAL state of mind, perspective. They are NOT rational. They are attributing the pain to OTHER REASONS - and they are sure that the buzz they felt at the beginning is due to a perfect chemistry - a soul match - and if they just ride out all this unpleasantness and pain and confusion - they will find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The more everything hurts - the stronger they hold on to the dream of that pot of gold. They THINK that THIS is walking through the fire - they don't realize that it's just a big bandaid.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been told something similar to this by several people. While I am dealing with the pain of our marriage breakup right now, my WW/STBXW is bandaiding / stuffing it to only have to deal with the pain at a later date.

Sometimes life sucks... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

MIF?

I was VERY happy when my WW A failed, and proud of it! I can't help it I'm only human.

Besides the more "selfish" reasons I wanted to see it fail, it was also for me an affirmation of the things I had been learning here. I put a LOT of stock into the ideas and concepts on this site. I still had questions and doubts about the whole approach. It was a relief watching so much of it come together and work like it was supposed to.

Over time I came to realize the most important part of this is the self-improvement aspect of it all. It is all about YOU and that's a good thing. But early on it was a real boost to have things go in such a textbook fashion. I would have lost a lot of confidence in the process if it hadn't.

GC-

I believe you are completely justified in your desire to see this fail.

The pain that they caused you is real, the premise they built their relationship is not, they're building they're house upon the sand....and as we know, that will cause it to crumble and fall eventually.

My WH is currently still in his affair, and he doesn't try to talk to me about how wonderful it is. He still lies to me about where he's been when he's not with me (or at his house) he tells me, "Oh I was at my friend Keith's house" and other such nonsense....when I haven't even asked, he offers the information. So I'm not sure what that's about. I don't think his A will last a whole lot longer than when I go into Plan B, I think the OW with think that me not talking to him/seeing him will be great.....but like the MB method states, it'll have HER trying to fill all his EN's well she's not his family, and she will FAIL.

So you see, I think we all share the hope that our WS's A's will fail miserably, it's the nature of the beast, we don't want them to beat the odds. I have not mastered the concept of forgiving, but it's hard to forgive when you're still being kicked in the teeth.

Also, I believe, that the relationship between your WS and the OP is going to fail, because something based upon lies isn't going to succeed in the long run. The saying rings true "If they will cheat WITH you, they will cheat ON you."

-Caren

My WH went from telling everyone that we had a marriage to aspire to (we were together for 10 years) to falling in love with his friend's wife and leaving within a three-month period. The OW has three children and is now divorced from her H. My H moved in the day that his friend (her H) moved out. I thought I would die. It has now been 10 months since DDay and 8 months since he left. I went dark immediatley upon his departure and look forward to the day that their A blows up - as it should. I have become good friends with the OW's ex and, because of that, I know the lies she told my H, which he bought hook line and sinker. Her finances are a mess (which she blames on her Ex but, in fact, it's because of a horrendous spending disease she has). I discovered many other things as well and have to believe at some point, my H will discover the same. He was the best partner anyone could have hoped for during the ten years we were together. I loved and admired him dearly and I could not have ever imagined him doing something like this. Still, I believe that the universe has a way of teaching us all the lessons we're supposed to learn and, if there is any justice, my H and the OW will regret the day they destroyed two caring families. I don't wish him permanent harm in any way. He can end up happy with someone else. I just can't stand the thought of it being her. Seems like this is a common feeling for many of us who find ourselves in similar positions.... Keep the faith! GS

Wow - I should have read this thread earlier. I posted something similar over on DD yesterday titled "Feeling Vindicated."

I was feeling a little guilty about feeling better knowing that there were problems between XH and OW. Short story - ex had question out on newsgroup asking how soon during pregnancy you can tell who the father is because his "ex" (NOT ME!!) is pregnant and doesn't know if he is the dad of if this "other man" is. There's a possibility OM in my XHs question is OWs H (anyone have a scorecard here to keep track.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) since last I knew she wasn't yet divorced.

I found this yesterday. I had to make up some time at work today (Saturday). I've been having a whole lot of trouble getting to work, and getting any work done when I'm there. I thought I was doing well - the divorce was final in July - but lately I seemed to have gone downhill into depression again, worse all the time.

Until today. I got up this morning, got busy, came to work, and stayed longer than I'd planned because I was on fire. I was reading a technical document and really, REALLY enjoying it, sitting on the edge of my seat like it was a suspense novel or something!

The only difference between yesterday and today? Finding out that little piece of information. Somehow, even if they do get back together now, it doesn't feel like it will matter that much to me, because at the very least, I know he has at least a little idea of what he put me through. And because he now can't help but see what kind of woman she is - I knew all along, because she wasn't divorced yet, AND STILL was actively working on breaking up our marriage and hounding HIM about getting divorced.

I guess I still feel a little guilty that I feel better knowing this. But I'm glad all the same - my work performance DESPERATELY needed it. And somehow, I do feel quite a bit more liberated now, like the final strings were cut or something.

Vindicated. I really do think that's the word for it. It's just so hard to go through this, and see them appear to be happy, knowing they were willing to selfishly rip my life away just to indulge themselves. Seeing some of what they gave out come back on them really does seem to give some release.