Its been 13 months now since D-day and WH has been fine. Its me that just doesn't seem to be able to get over his A.

Today I am having the day from hell. I just want to cry and stop living. I feel that I will never get to the stage where I forgive what he has done. He continues life as if nothing happened. . .A is never to be mentioned under any circumstances. . .he just gets cross and yells and me for bringing it up.

Sometimes I feel I hate him and don't even want to touch him and on other days I know that I still love him and want to make our marriage work.

When do you ever get to the stage where you can forgive and forget. I just don't seem to be able to go through a day where I don't think about his A. The OW's ex told me that she has met someone else and that she is very happy with him. I hate the thought that she is even happy for a minute...I want her to have a taste of the unhapiness and heartache she has caused me. I know that this is not the Christian way to be thinking but I just can't seem to help myself.

I know that my WH phoned her work number in November last year. . .I got her work number from her ex and found it on his print-out. He swears blind that he didn't phone her "that it must have been a "missed call" on his phone and he just returned it to see who was phoning him. The call only lasted 40 seconds but I know he was lying about it being a "missed call" because I got a print-out of her company phone list for that date and there was no call to his phone from her work number. I am sure he phoned her out of curiosity to see how she was doing and I'll bet she told him that she had met someone else. Wonder how he felt about that? She told him that she loved him so much and couldn't live without him and wanted him to divorce me and marry her. . .it took her exactly six months to get over him (according to her ex).

Just the fact that he phoned her after 11 months after D-day set me back to day one again. I hate the way the lies roll off his tongue so easily. I didn't tell him that I had a print-out of her work's account so I know he was lying. . .I don't want him to know exactly what I can get and what I can't get. He also doesn't know that I have spoken to her ex.

Sorry, I am just venting. Feeling so low today, I could just go home and pack my bags and leave him forever. Its just that we have been together for 38 years and its a hard decision to make to start your life all over again at 58 after being with the same man for so long. . .even if right at this moment I think he is the lowest thing on earth. I don't think like that every day. . .just today, I need some TLC and some support. . .just to get through this horrible feeling that I am experiencing at the moment.

Hi Enid,

It doesn't sound like your H has done much to rebuild the M... If he's still getting angry about the A and isn't willing to discuss it with you, then I'd bet that you guys haven't worked through all of the issues that you need to in order to start rebuilding your M.

It is possible to forgive, but you both have to work through the issues... and from what you've described, it doesn't appear that your H as done anything to help you regain your confidence in him.

Have you guys been to a MC? If not, I'd strongly suggest finding a good pro-marriage MC and start going. Time alone won't rebuild your M.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Thanks for your answer RIF. I need lots of support today. We definitaly haven't worked through the A at all. My WH refuses point blank to discuss it . . .I think he feels ashamed and its not easy for him to own his mistakes. I have tried everything. . .all that happens is that he gets cross, ends up yelling at me for bringing the subject up and then sulks for a couple of days. I have read all the books, I have been to counselling, I am on anti-depressants. I know that working through the A is what I really need but so far it has proved IMPOSSIBLE. There is not a way I haven't tried, I have written him letters, I have given him the books to read but he still refuses to discuss the A at all. I have suggested counselling, he says we don't need it, we love each other and everything will be okay so long as we continue to love each. The problem is that I find my love for him starting to die.

As I said he has always had difficulty in owning his mistakes, no matter what they are. HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT and in this case HE IS NOT RIGHT and he just can't handle that. He firmly believes that if we leave it alone it will eventually go away. Its not going away for me. Someone suggested that I ask him whose need was the greatest in solving the issue of the A. He didn't answer that question and still refused to discuss the A, so I am left with the feeling that HIS NEED IS THE GREATEST.

He is incredibly vain and prides himself on his honesty and integrity and I don't think he can reconcile what he did with what he thinks of himself. So if we don't mention it "in his mind it never happened". . .I think he blanks its out of his mind altogether. I am the thorn in his side that reminds him of his transgressions and consequently he gets angry with me if I even make a reference to the A.

I have reconciled myself to the fact that we will NEVER work through the issues of the A. . I need to heal myself. I have been making pretty good progress but sometimes like today I just seem to slip into such a deep depression that I have no way of knowing how to claw my way out of it. I use you guys to lift my spirits because when I get home I just pretend everything is okay with me. . .acting any other way just causes major LB's and I cannot handle them anymore. Talking to him about my feelings are like talking to a brick wall. He wants me to be the same happy care free person I was before the A anything else sends him into a depression.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by enid:
<strong> The problem is that I find my love for him starting to die. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">{{{{{Enid}}}}}

Have you told your H this? Have you told him that his refusal to work on rebuilding the M with you is killing it?

Enid, only you can decide if you're willing to continue to live like this.

I also wanted to add: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just pretend everything is okay with me. . .acting any other way just causes major LB's </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Enid, being honest with your H and letting him know that his actions were/are NOT alright with you is NOT a love buster!

You don't have to be a doormat for your H's bad behavior... You are worth much more than that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: RIF ]</small>

I have been honest with him. It just doesn't help. He has been fabulous in every other area. . .he is just not prepared to talk about the A. I at first thought he was protecting the A but I now think he is protecting himself. He can't bear to think about what he did - so he ignores it. I am not a doormat. I am pretty independent and generally our marriage is good. . .its not the marriage it was prior to the A. We had a fabulous marriage before the A and even by his admission all his EN's were being met. . .he has said that the A had nothing to do with me or our marriage, it had everything to do with HIM AND HIS EGO. She was a young woman who came on to him and he was enormously flattered.

As I say, most times I am okay. Today has just been a bad day and I am trying to vent to you guys before I go home. That way I don't pick on him. He is really trying hard and the other day he said that he felt like he had to tiptoe round me. I told him that I tiptoed round him for four years while he was having the A (had major depression during the A and was impossible to live with and I DID TIPTOE ROUND HIM). I told him that it was good for him to feel that he had to tiptoe round me. . .I did it for him for four years and now he could see what it felt like.

Its just that on days like today I feel exremely fragile.

Enid, I am sorry you have to live like this, but unfortunately, you can do nothing to change him. It seems to me that you really have to make a decision about your life and that is to accept him how he is or move on. Was he always cold and remote with you?

No, he has never been cold and remote. . .he isn't cold and remote now. Its only if the A is mentioned that he becomes cold and remote. I have just learnt to not bring the subject up but then I end up having days like I am having today. . .depressed and miserable. I am sure it will pass and I will feel better tomorrow. I have just been so close to tears all day long and I know that the minute I get in my car and start driving home I will be bawling my eyes out. That often happens. . .I keep up this good front for everyone else and then when I'm alone I tend to fall apart. Today is just one of those days where I am falling apart. . .for no apparent reason. WH has done nothing to cause it, he has been loving and gentle with me (so long as I don't mention the A) all is well in our lives. Mention the A and all hell breaks loose.

I must accept him as he is and learn to live with the fact that he is not able to talk about the A. I truly believe that he is REALLY NOT ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT.