I don't have any comments on your posts over the past days, just that you sound very tired. I hope you had some relief over the weekend. Just wanted to let you know that I, as I am sure others are, am thinking about you and hoping for the best.

When I got home from work Friday night my WW served me with divorce papers. I have handled it quite well. I am very confused. STBXW and I are staying in the same home and have actually gotten along very well and had one good talk about our history. Since then there has been no R talk.

She started crying yesterday because I was taking DS to my P's house and she was upset about what they would think of her. I held her and kissed her on the forehead and assured her everything was going to be ok. I told her what my mom said, that she always liked her and still did, she just doesn't like what she is doing and is very sad for all of us.

I am such a sap/sucker for all this. That is the way I feel right now. Why can't I just be like other guys, kick her to the curb, and cruise away? She had served me with D papers less than 24 hrs ago and here I was consoling her and telling her everything was going to be alright.

She has been very nice, no viciousness like she did have. She has even done things this weekend like my laundry, washed and changed my bedding...I don't trust her...she is trying to get me to sign my summons without my lawyer looking at it. I won't. She tells me that it would be better if we negotiated, we would just end up paying the lawyers more money. Have we heard this all before on this board?

I will do none of this. I am getting a good, aggressive attorney, and I am going to be well represented. I will not be mean, but I will get the facts before a judge and let him and the lawyers sort it out.

I feel very sad and alone even though I have really been alone and unhappy for a long time now. At least before I could see DS whenever I wanted. Now the day is coming when someone else is going to be telling me when I can and can't see him. I am home alone today, and this is all hitting me very hard for the first time.

So sorry to hear this. Others with more experience will be along soon. Still thinking of you and hoping for the best.

Thanks for the support. I am torn right now. Part of me wants my STBXW back, part of me wants nothing to do with her. I guess the part of me that wants her wants the way things used to be, before the A's and stuff. That isn't going to happen and my mind is telling me to deal with reality and to get out of this cycle of betrayal and mistreatment and move on with my life and be happy.

Bear, I tried to post something earlier but it got lost in cyber-space. I'm sure everyone is going to tell you to move on, "it's the best thing", yadayadayada. I won't mostly because I don't know what is the best thing anymore. All I can say is that your news yesterday hit really hard. I hope you have someone you can talk to.

Yes, I have plenty of support. My parents, brothers, her brother, and her parents have all been there to support me.

I have read alot about the BS fog. I think I was in it deep. Now that I peek out of iut every once in a while, it is amazing to me the things I tolerated and would accept and gloss over. My STBXW had 3 affairs, 3 of them. She treated me like dirt and was hardly ever appreciative of what I did for her. I am thinking real hard now, and have been thinking hard to answer this question; what does she do for me? It's been so long since she has done something really nice for me, or shaowed me any love that I can't remember it. I read over some of my posts and give her credit for washing some clothes. WTF is that? Our M is so dysfunctional that I stretch so far to find something good about it.

I don't hate her, I don't want it to sound like that. I am just very sad. I just keep thinking about how H & W are supposed to act, how they are supposed to treat each other, and it just didn't happen.

Don't kick yourself so hard...you were looking for hope and have been for a long time. You were doing what a good person is supposed to do. It's really easy to be cynical. You know that. There are plenty people on this board who will be happy to ask "why did you bother?".

I don't think from your posts that you were ever in denial. You've had your eyes open for a long time, and that also means looking for something positive - which is why it probably has been so confusing for you.

Well, IMO, you are one of the ones that has been really kicked through all this (everyone is, but you've had it pretty hard). I'm amazed you can even type. Have you given up all hope?

Bear,

So sorry to hear this. I know it's not a complete surprise but I doubt that that makes it any easier.

You have done very well. You stood up for your marriage and you were willing to forgive. Don't ever be ashamed of it. You should be proud that you did all you could to save your marriage.

You know me, the eternal optimist; I haven't given up on your wife. I still don't think she is thinking straight and if she continues on this path I believe she will regret it. I still hope that she will snap out of it but there is nothing you can do at this point to turn her around.

All hope? No, I have to admit, there is a part of me that wants us to reconcile. It would be very hard, STBXW would have to make a lot of changes. I would to, I admit that, but there would need to be drastic changes made by STBXW.

I was looking at some pictures from Xmas for the first time Saturday. I really noticed that she looked horrible. She looked terrrible in every picture. You could really see the stress, the unhappiness, and this almost evil look on her face. It is that look, it scares me, it is almost like she is possessed. An addict going through withdrawal. Maybe the road back just got too hard for her.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, I have had many people around make comments like they could tell I was very unhappy. My brothers would recount stories stretching back to last year, pre latest A, and they could tell something was wrong. I don't have daily contact with them, a couple times a year. It's always those people that notice real changes. Those you are around all the time, don't notice, it's akin to slowly dimming the lights, you're eyes adjust and you don't notice until it's really dark.

You know what, it is the same crap that STBXW had all her friends tell her to support her to get rid of me following Dday, "You have been so unhappy for so long." People just want to agree and support you by telling you want they think you want to hear. They think they are helping.

I am not slamming my family or my friends, it's just I expected this reaction. That's fine.

Whether STBXW and I will ever reconcile, well is up to her to reach out to me, I may consider taking her hand, I may not.

Thanks again. Legato, we crossed posts. BDGD, you may not believe it, but I am not only typing, but I am at work today. Although, you could question how much work I am getting done. Everyone here knows (not the whole sitch) and I have been given a lot of slack. I am lucky.

Legato, well, STBXW will regret this decision. The story is not finished yet, she hasn't hit rock bottom yet. That may be coming very soon. This is the part where I stand back and let her go, we'll see if she returns. If she returns, I'll deal with that if it happens. For now, I am preparing to go through this D, and then move on with my life.

I'm with Legato, I think something is amiss. This still seems like a very feeble attempt at parting.

If you have some hope, please do what my H did. When he told everyone the news, and they started to lay into me, he told them that NO ONE was to say anything bad about me. He didn't allow it at all.

As for your laundry? Sounds like guilt. Maybe there is hope. As for the mirror and pictures? I've aged my lifetime again but then I am twice as wise now. At least I hope I am. Oh there's that word again...

I have told my P's that they should have NC. I don't want anything bad happening there. I don't see much good coming from that convo. As for her P's, well, her pops is going to lay into her. I asked him not to do it on my behalf. I said I think it would drive her further away. He said it did not matter, he had some things to get off his chest. It's his daughter, I am not getting in the way. STBXW is avoiding him now.

I have read that normally, NORMALLY, when one party decides to D, they are relieved, almost happy. Not STBXW, she seems confused and unhappy, or maybe she just acts that way around me.

Bear, I'm going now, have to get on with my domestic duties, get ready for my night class. Thoughts are with you, though, and I hope your evening is calm.

Bear,

In my state, in a marriage less than 10 years, retirement accounts are untouchable. You keep yours. She keeps hers. I don't know if you've been married longer - or what the rules are in your state. Check it out with a lawyer (or a lawyer's web site at least).

-AD

I don't believe that is the case in my state. It is an "equitable distribution" state. Makes me wonder why we need lawyers. Being the male, BS, primary care provider, I can pretty much guess I am going to get shafted on the custody issue as well.

Sorry, just feeling the absolute worst is going to happen. First my wife, now my DS. I worry every day.