I wanted to throw this topic out here for discussion because it is something that I've been thinking about for while after reading many stories from BS's.

I noticed that many times a BS (including myself) will do just about anything to fix or recover a marriage. Whether it is following the MB guidelines or even accepting unacceptable behavior in a relationship.

Many BS's seem to want to help the WS get back to acceptable behavior and this pattern of wanting to help probably existed before the A started as well.

I've heard some of the following comments:

When he/she "wakes up", he/she will know what he/she is missing now or what he/she lost.

I've always been there helping; I've done everything for him/her. I gave up my life/myself for him/her

What if the WS doesn't feel bad; what if they go on with their life to live okay? Would that then make us the "bad people" again and can we and should we move on?

Can we or should we accept that it may not be within our power or possibility to help the WS so that we can feel altruistic?

Will it help our OWN recovery to learn how to let go because ultimately we cannot control the actions of another person?

I know that some of this may sound controversial, but I would be genuinely interested in your thoughts and opinions since this is something that I've been given a lot of thought, e.g. examining my own behavior pattern within relationships.

Thank you!

Kati

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Kati ]</small>

You do not sound controversial at all.

This thinking is perfect for MB since an A is an addiction that the WS is powerless over.

My F was an alcoholic and reading CODEPENDENT NO MORE was one of my bibles through this along with SURVIVING AN AFFAIR and PSALMS in the real BIBLE.

I fell into the pattern of enabling my FWH's A and had to eventually LET GO as you say.

PLAN A is about doing all that YOU personally can do and then LETTING GO. It is about taking control of YOURSELF. The CODEPENDENT STYLE is trying to CONTROL the WS which I initially tried to do and you will find some others on here trying to do that.

The MB SYSTEM has really actually helped me with this. I have really learned to focus bettering MYSELF and becoming a BETTER PERSON. I have learned that I can survive without my H although at first I thought that could not possibly live without him. REALLY!!!! I THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO DIE and I WANTED TO DIE!!

Hi there kati,

Nice to hear from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For me,I would NOT do anything to save my marriage.By that I mean,I would not repeat behaviors that lead us to where we were and I certainly would not expect my WH to do that either.I would not forsake my own boundaries in order just to please my WH.Like I mentioned on another thread,there has to be compromise/negotiation when you are married.It can't be all or none.

I did want to help my WH through all this mess even from the beginning.I was willing to go down that very painful road for a more honest and fulfilling marriage.But for a long time,I realized I cannot help my WH.He has to help himself.HE needs to be the one to search out the truth.HE needs to face his demons and fears.He still hasn't done that and I'm not sure he ever will.He still likes to think that so many other issues were to blame for him making the choice to cheat and he cannot face all the pain he caused.He says he has no one to talk about this to but I cannot help that.No one that loved him will support him in this bad behavior.For that he is truly alone.The homewrecker can lend an ear but she is just as much to blame for being involved.

My WH could go on to live an ok life,even with the homewrecker(puke) but that is no longer my concern.I am concerned with the wellbeing,happiness and safety of my 2 daughters,I come a close second <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and that is what I focus on.I have in every sense let my WH go,to do whatever he feels he needs to do,to live whatever life he now wants.Accepting this has been very freeing for me.I no longer am "responsible" for the feelings of my cheating spouse.If he one day wanted to join me in truth and honesty,in love and marriage,in happiness and fuflillment,then I could have been there waiting.

But,as it so happens many times,I,the BS,have "moved on".My WH may never "wake up" but again,I don't focus on that.All I know is I am proud of myself for making it through the worst of this horrible trauma,that my girls are feeling good despite what has happened and that I have been a good mother to them.I feel proud that my choices were good ones that did not hurt anyone and that I can face myself in the mirror.I am proud that my anger is diminishing over time and that I am feeling better each week,in small increments.In short,I feel good about myself.I am co-dependent on no one.I am free to be me and I have to say I like what I see. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

O

Guilty. (rasing my hand)

I have done so much for my WW, that I lost my own identity within her. Does this make any sense? I differred all decisions to her, and flexed to her (very strong) will, but then allowed the resentment of being steamrolled all the time build within me. I allowed that resentment to poison our marriage.

Now that my focus is slowly changing, I am starting to feel just a shred of sunlight on my face. I am undoing my "hooks" that I have held so tightly onto since she left me.

I am not sure if this helps or is even a proper response....but there it is...


TM

Hi OG,

Thanks for the detailed response. I like to hear what others have to say about this topic, as I think it is important.

I'm definitely a co-dependent, not just in my marriage, but also in relationship with other people, my family, friends & co-workers. It's a destructive and painful behavior pattern, but the good news is that it can be changed. Not overnight, but I'm slowly learning thru counseling what led to this behavior pattern and I think I'm slowly learning how to be a healthy woman again who can have healthy loving relationships.

It is difficult for me to "let go", let other's make mistakes and to not be "in charge". I'm also extremely competitive in many aspects of my life.

Having recognized this in me has helped me tremendously in analyzing why things are the way they are.

You sound good, OG. Keep up the good work.

Kati

Certainly, TM. I know exactly what you mean. I'm guilty of the exact same behavior, not only in my marriage, but also in other relationships.

I'm now learning to accept myself the way I am and also to understand that it is totally possible that someone wants to love me the way I am with all my shortcomings and I do not necessarily have to go thru great lengths to earn their love.

Kati


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan:
<strong> Guilty. (rasing my hand)

I have done so much for my WW, that I lost my own identity within her. Does this make any sense? I differred all decisions to her, and flexed to her (very strong) will, but then allowed the resentment of being steamrolled all the time build within me. I allowed that resentment to poison our marriage.

Now that my focus is slowly changing, I am starting to feel just a shred of sunlight on my face. I am undoing my "hooks" that I have held so tightly onto since she left me.

I am not sure if this helps or is even a proper response....but there it is...


TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">