Question for BS’s…

I was wondering if you think one type of an affair is “worse” than another, therefore more forgiving…

For example, if your spouse has an ONS - is that more acceptable to you than if there was an ongoing affair? Would you think in your mind, “Well at least it was just an ONS”. Or how about an EA vs PA?

To me, an affair is an affair is an affair but I am on the other side of the fence. My hubby feels the same way I do – but still, we are all different, brought up with different beliefs, morals, etc.

So what says you? Just curious is all...

Dunno chackler.

A class 2 PA or entangled affair has betrayal, the hurt of WS 'loving' and being intimate with an OP AND sex with OP.

A ONS has betrayal and sex, and EA has betrayal and potentally 'loving' another but no sex.

On any given hour of any given day any one of the parts of Squids affair might stick my heart and prickle my eyes.

So I dunno. Having been nearly killed by Squids entangled affair I'd say that was the worst but I've seen the devastation EAs and ONS can cause on these boards too, so I really don't know.

Hi chackler,

For me it is worse if it involves a PA but it's ALL evil and revolting.Once you betray your spouse that way,even if it's "only" one night or a long term EA,it still is sickening,cheap and painful.It's all unacceptable.I've now endured both an EA only and an EA/PA too which was the most recent and that was the most horrific,when you combine both.

O

Ugh - I don't have time to respond but both you OGirl and Bob have brought up some good points. Hopefully I can reply later.

Chack

My wifes A started in November 2003 and ended on 9/6/2004. It was a EA/PA. That's a lot of lying etc.

I would take a ONS over that any day.

I would say I think a ONS would be easier to deal with.

My WH had a EA/PA for a good part of 2004. All of the deception - knowing he was deceiptful - over and over - is much worse in my opinion.....

I guess if I had never experienced this hell (the EA/PA)and he had a ONS that I had found out about, I am sure that would seem horiffic too.

I can just not imagine anything worse than something that was ongoing.... the WS knowing how wrong it was and how they were betraying their spouses and that they kept doing it anyway.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.

LibbyAnn

I was trying to imagine what the potential usefulness of these answers might be for you Chackler ... and so far all I can think of is intellectual curiosity. Am I correct? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Or is there some other purpose you have in mind?

I don't think I can come up with a response without having experienced both options ... which I dont wanna have happen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... so, oh well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope you are well

Pep

Here's my take and I've said it before... it's like asking if you'd rather be run over by a bus or a train, either way you go it hurts like hell...

My Wh had an EA and now I can not believe a word he says. Why should I its just that he lied to me for 2 years, verbally abused me also. I feel very lonely even though he is over it and feels like his old self -he sleeps, laughs has a good time. I feel like sh$t. I hate myself - hate how I feel. This is the ONLY person in my entire life I ever trusted now what have I got nothing. Today is a bad day. But knowing he loved someone more than me is a chrusher. I am in pieces all over the place. What if this OW H dies or leaves her will he jump on her? Is he waiting for that so in a few years he will lveave me again. So many crazy questions dance through my head. Knowing he was in love really in love and respected her -not me. Ughhh -

LOL Mr.E, good answer!!

I don't know which is better...I mean any comment I would make wouldn't have any basis in fact.

But if I *had* to rate them from Bad to worst, I guess it'd be EA,ONS,PA....but IMO they all suck and are all horribly painful.

-Caren

Ok what is an ONS

One Night Stand

Sorry I didn't get back a couple of days ago - hubby and I went on a church retreat in Palm Desert. It was wonderful, except for the sinus infection that I got on Friday. Needless to say I spent the whole time in bed - but hey, the bed was comfy!

Pep, in regards to your question - you got it, just curiosity is all. I have found from reading on the board that ONS's tend to be a bit more forgivable than affairs that have emotion tied to it.

I know from experience that the emotional bond that is formed outside of marriage is extremely damaging because there is a "thought process" behind it. When someone goes out drinking, gets plowed, and sleeps with someone else - it's just physical - no emotion involved usually. That bond per say that a couple has wasn't really broken.

I am in no way saying that a ONS is better than an on-going EA/PA - it's not, it's all adultery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Here's my take and I've said it before... it's like asking if you'd rather be run over by a bus or a train, either way you go it hurts like hell...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You got that right!

I'm just thinking that one might be easier to recover from than another and I wanted other peoples thoughts/views. I hope I didn't offend anyone as it wasn't my intent at all.

Carol

There are different types of ONS's. My WW had EA for 2mos.and had 1 time PA. So is this considered ONS? I know that since it was a one time deal, This is not how WW lives, normally. I can try to work on M, but had PA been more than once, I more than likely would not be here. I saw her A comming and there was not a thing I could have done to stop it. I was already with IC, she came once, it had no bearing on outcome. It did bring our issues to a head, which we are working on. So to answer the question, an extended A is much worse IMO. NOT that any A is acceptable, in any form PERIOD !!!!!

Funny question.

In the first gulf war, the 101st Airborne Div rumoredly dropped bulldozers with them, and used those bulldozers in their infamous western flank assault of the 72hr ground war. The commonly accepted method of use; bury the occupants of enemy trenches alive.

People often react with revulsion at that gem of a story. But let me tell you something here. Those people were not just our declared enemies. They were professional soldiers who expected no quarter. There is no "nice" way to slay an enemy.

Affairs on the other hand, are somthing that make me convulse with utter disgust at their brazen celebration of the lowest human state. It is a knife in the back from a trusted friend. Betrayal by family.

Affairs of any flavor are all equally nauseating, juvenille, reprobate bahaviors that I generally equate with people whose morals are not quite cemented in properly.

Why they are chosen by the people who "love" us is often beyond me.

Capacity to love them again, however, is not about what THEY did. It is simply a chooice to continue to fight. Maybe, just maybe, they will come back around to a life worthy of honor.

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 07:21 PM: Message edited by: sprint ]</small>

When it happens to you, whether it be an EA, PA, or ONS, at that moment, it's the worst thing in the world. Your spouse has been unfaithful.

My dh had an EA with his ex-fiance. This is someone he had shared SF with in the past, they also already had an emotional bond.

I say I could have dealt with him having sex with a stranger better. However, once in that situation, I'm sure it would have felt like the worst thing in the world.

Echoing some others here, it is all betrayal. Ugly stuff, regardless of type.

My unfortunate experience has included all of the above.

In order for me, least hurtful to most hurtful:ONS, PA, EA, EA/PA.

I think I feel that way because of how much understanding I have for each. While it is not a feeling I have ever acted on, I have felt that almost instinctual attraction for a lady other than my partner. So, I can almost sympathise with having a moment of weakness that leads to a ONS.

I can very nearly see how "just sex" would be easy to compartmentalise, especially if it were somehow lacking in the M. Frequency, type, particular fetishes, what have you.

The concept of an EA as opposed to an appropriate friendship seems prettty clear to me. Actively sharing one's feelings, hopes, dreams, and secrets (not to mention one's partner's!) would be a more conscious betrayal for me. HArder to characterise as "a mistake". More intentional. And for me, harder to forgive.

And of course, an EA/PA...well, that is a no foolin' traditional relationship to me. I can't picture making the decision to do THAT without malice aforethought. The three of those that I know about are the ones that really make me question my decision to let FU stay sometimes. With a more limited affair, I feel that SOMETHING remained special, just between the two of us. an EA/PA is to me absolute betrayal. MAkes me feel as if I am nothing special at all in our relationship, that more-or-less anyone could take my place in her life with very little difference. Tough to get past that.

-OAK

Again all A's suck, hurt, and should not be wished on my enemies.

I would agree that to make an informed opinion on the topic you would have to be exposed to all types of A's. I've only dealt with one type myself.

As far as long term EA/PA vs. a ONS. Here is my thinking, take it for what it's worth.

In a long term EA/PA the participants both "think" they are in love and are soulmates. Usually what then happens is they consumate there relationship in a PA, are "maybe" guilty but justify there actions because they are soulmates.

However in a ONS, there is blatent disregard for the sactity of M and the feelins of you spouse. Of course there are variables in a ONS, alcohol, drugs. However if those are involved that relates to my point. In that this type of A speaks to the persons basic moral character, which is flawed in my opinion. Getting wrecked by via alcohol/drugs which sings to the type of character only fuels this type of A.

Is one worse than the other? Well I'm sure that could be debated adnausea. However IMVHO a ONS is worse.

Native