It hasn't even been 3 months since my H came home (army) and I didn't find out about the A until a week after he was home. It seems so much longer then that. No progress has been made, well in my eyes. He still talks to the OW via emails and phone calls. He still plans on getting a D, just financial problems stopping him. He still lives with us, sleeps in our bed and yes, we still have sex, BUT he says he is sleeping when it happens and that I take advantage of him.lol

I have found out a lot about myself through this whole ordeal...so I guess that is a good thing.

Why do they make you feel so guilty about the M failing when they were the ones who had an A and want to leave? I can't even have a conversation with my H without being blamed for something.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MomToLilRobandJadabug:
<strong> It hasn't even been 3 months since my H came home (army) and I didn't find out about the A until a week after he was home. It seems so much longer then that. No progress has been made, well in my eyes. He still talks to the OW via emails and phone calls. He still plans on getting a D, just financial problems stopping him. He still lives with us, sleeps in our bed and yes, we still have sex, BUT he says he is sleeping when it happens and that I take advantage of him.lol

I have found out a lot about myself through this whole ordeal...so I guess that is a good thing.

Why do they make you feel so guilty about the M failing when they were the ones who had an A and want to leave? I can't even have a conversation with my H without being blamed for something. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your WH sounds like the typical WS here. Just from the little thzt you posted, I am sure that you have suffered emotional and verbal abuse from him in the past. IRREGARDLESS of what your hopes are for recovering your marriage, you NEED to find help for yourself. Most people when on the outside "looking" in at your situation would not tolerate what you are tolerating. You just can't fully appreciate it now that you are in the "thick" of things. The only TRUE advice I can give you is to find a good counselor so that you can build up the self esteem and find self love, so that you can make the decisions (whatever they may be) to make your life better.

Best wishes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LM

Thanks for your reply.

Your right. Our relationship has had problems in the past and we never fixed them. We are so young and now have children. It has always been us...until now. Now that I see how to make our relationship better, he found someone else. Since I am the only one he has ever been with (besides her) she looks wonderful in his eyes. I couldn't believe he said that the past 9 years was mainly based on how I look. Everytime we argue he brings that up: how it is no longer about how I look. Of course it is about how she makes him feel, not to mention they only spent a few weekends together.

Your right. People wonder why I put up with such BS. They tell me all these wonder things about myself, which I don't believe. How could I at this point?

I have been going to counseling by myself for about 2 months. I don't know if she is any good, but it seems too late to start over with a new one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MomToLilRobandJadabug:
<strong> I have been going to counseling by myself for about 2 months. I don't know if she is any good, but it seems too late to start over with a new one. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, if you are not finding yourself making any progress, then you may need to look elsewhere for help. You are to young and have far too much responsibility (you are a MOM of 2 children right?) to not take your PERSONAL recovery very serious. What you do now may dictate the rest of your life. If you don't make the changes you need to make now, you are possibly setting yourself and children up for a lifetime of heartache. For better or worse, you are now getting a chance to make changes in yourself that will give you the self love and respect you need to be successful in your life (marriage, career, mother, kids, whatever).

I truly believe that so many of the issues you see BS dealing with here are worsened due to low self esteem and lack of self love. One way or the other, the ONLY hope for your recovery (and I am not talking about just your marriage here) is your gaining back or finding self esteem and self love. Only then, will you be able to see the forest from the trees. YOu can never make your WH do anything he does not want to do. You can "strategize" and "plan" till you are blue in the face, but UNLESS you do it with an aim to recover yourself, you are unlikely to be happy and successful at this.

You should REFOCUS your efforts on things you can control.....your BOUNDARIES (why are you continuing to have sex with him while he continues to betray you ? --> is this against your boundaries? ), your children/parenting, and your self recovery. The marriage cannot possibly recover without you recovering yourself.

I cannot offer you any further advice than this. Plan A'ing, B and other strategies are best left to those on here who have done them successfully. I hope that you get further responses to help you there.

Best wishes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


LM

Sorry to hear of your pain..

In line with lemonman's advice you need to set some boundries.

Whilst I am not sure that haviing sex is entirely a good thing at this stage. When I found out about my WS's A I moved her into the spare room and would not be intimate with her, period. I think that whilst he is having his needs met by you that you are inadvertantly sending him mixed signals.
1. That you are ok with what he did is doing which I am sure you are not.
2. That he has no reason to change his ways.

You really need to see a good MC. If you can see the Harley's then I would, it's never too late to change. I know that if you don't feel that the MC is for you then you are not going to get much from the sessions.

Also, a BS's self esteem gets very low as a result of an A, so make sure that you do some things for you and get the MC to help you work on this. I know my FWS struggled when I seemed to be living a good life without her (it was all front, but it did help shake her up a bit).

Read all about PLAN A / B and rest assured that a good plan A even if you think it ain't working lays the foundations for a good plan B if it comes to that. In any case, it gives you some options and control in your life which without the plan A / B you would not have!!!