I found out about my wifes affair in Sept.04, We have been going to counseling ever since. Things had gotten better and then I found out she was still talking to him, she said it was nothing now, and we she does talk to him it is hi how are you doing. I told the counselor and he told her to write a letter and let him know that the should no longer communicate which she wrote a letter. I still don't think the talking has stopped. My problem at this point in time is she has left me home with my 3yr old and 1yr old to go to another city for the weekend to hang out with some girls she works with. Which would be fine with me because we are moving to another state. BUT, she would not give me the number to the girl she will be staying with, which leads me to believe she is not where she says, she said I will just have to trust her. To me if she is telling the truth she would have gave me the number. what if something happened to my girls and I could not reach her on her cell or what if something happens to her. She has told me she Loves me and she wants to be with me but she needs some alone time to figure herself out. I have told her until she is sure she loves me for sure she should not tell me she loves me anymore. I am sorry for the rambling I am just having a bad time

ch....a sad welcome to MB...hope you've done some reading over the concepts and familiarizing yourself with some of the principles--they work.

All of the red flags and signs are there--your instinct is 99% probably correct. It's a load of crap (and I nor anyone else)has to tell you about the "finding herself." She's married to you--she needs to let YOU know what her wants, fears, desires, needs are. I hope you've read plan A. BUT, from the sound of your IC (not sure of time framse) he/she sounds pro-M, possibly MB as a NC (no contact) letter is ABSOLUTELY necessary to work on your M. What were the terms of it--did it leave *any* hope of contact, in the eyes of your WW or OM? Set the boundaries--sounds like she broke them already.

Best wishes to you...it may be a bad night, but there are still some MB'ers up at this hour (and on the other side of the world--assuming you're in N.A.) that you can "talk" to.

no - its not rambling mate, its love

I know where you are coming from. Nothing hurts like watching someone you love flounder about.

NC is not so easy for the WS. I know that is harder than %$^* to swallow, but so true. She may be so caught in the fog that she has even convinced herself that this is for the best. (I know mine did)

If you have set fair ground rules and she is not following them, be gentle but firm. Let her know that her behavior makes you feel uncomfortable, and you would like every opportunity to trust her.

Then judge not by her words, but her actions.

I actually went for about 60 days without sleeping more than an hour or two a night. This is a rough stage, and she is likely very week.

The sh@t sandwhich here is that if you really love her, you are going to have to be strong enough for both of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then judge not by her words, but her actions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, so so very very important. You're a quick learner sprint. I'm sorry you both have to endure this, from one being on the giving end of this pain--I apologize for your WW's for now, for they do not know what they do.

Hang in there guys. Evenin mates.

I will have to learn what all the ww,nc and all that stands for. But tonight when I called her again to try to get the number I told her that if she could just do that I would feel much more at ease and she still would not do it. I hope she is telling the truth but I find it hard to believe one I am not stupid, we live in Orlando and I have been to Tallahasse many times for work and I drive fast and it has never took less than about 3 1/2 hours and she supposedly made it there in 2 but we will know for sure when she gets home by the mileage in the car. I hate to be like that, but if we move to another state and I give up my great job just so she can leave I am going to hate it even more.One of the resaons I think she might be getting me to another state to divorce me is because we are moving close to her mom and then she has a place to go. I love her with all me heart but the way things are going I am starting to lose hope.I have talked to her mom a lot and I know her mom is totally on my side. Her mom is the greatest and she knows her daughter is in the wrong and is not sure what is going through her head. I know some of the affair was my fault, I have not always been there for her like I should have and there for awhile I didn't not do my part which was the major change I have made in my life for a couple years I really took her for granted, I know longer do that. I am so very much in Love with her and would put her and my kids before me for the rest of my life.I seem like I keep no direction when I am writing. I just wish we could get to marriage counselling before next Friday we really need it

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're a quick learner sprint.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

First time I've ever been accused of that -lol Just trying to catch up wiith some of you folks. Comes from an old saying in Army recce school "All truth makes sense, but be careful because not everything that makes sense is the truth"


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...tonight when I called her again to try to get the number I told her that if she could just do that I would feel much more at ease and she still would not do it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good place to begin. Don't look at her answer as a failure. Look at it as time spent in recon. That time is NEVER wasted. You can bet your a$$ that the OM spent this time assessing your mate.
She is not protecting you, nor is she being honest. Fair one.

So now you know a bit about where you sit. Time to make a REALISTIC damage assessment and start hashing out a plan. This site has resources for those plans in spades.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hate to be like (this), but if we move to another state and I give up my great job just so she can leave I am going to hate it even more. One of the resaons I think she might be getting me to another state to divorce me is because we are moving close to her mom and then she has a place to go </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear ya. You have already processed some of your damage assement. Your conclusion makes sense, as truth ALWAYS does. To quote Sen. Jesse Ventura, "you don't leave a job unless you've got a job to go to." You have already pretty intuitively started to put two and two together.

Now the BIG question> What do YOU want?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love her with all me heart but the way things are going I am starting to lose hope </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You already answered this, but let me help. This is like saying "I want to run marrqathons but I get so tired." The only retort can be that if you want this, you'd better stock up and go grab it. No more BUTs.

NO weakness NOR loss of confidence. You are WAY to bright to not see your way through this. You already seem most of the way there mate. Work on the things people give you here, like a support system and confidence building.

Faith helped me, and though its not for everyone you need to have SOME belief to drive you. Make your goal. Sounds like its her.

Make your plan and go get her!!! You miss 100% of the shots you do not take.

God bless

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 03:32 AM: Message edited by: sprint ]</small>

Thank you Sprint, I truely think her heart is for me but it is confusing, she is confused and I understand that. I am very much into Faith I am a born Catholic and the church is a support group. I have not been able to make it to Churh lately being that I work on Sunday but I am going to have a talk with work so I can make it. I just hate the way it is affecting my kids. They maybe small but you can tell how they know something is not right with there Mom and Dad. I will admit I did not think of my self or my wife when I found out, The first thing I thought of was my kids growing up only seeing there Dad every once in awhile

lol - yeah

I think the further you read here, you will start to find out that you are FAR from being some weird special case. I did ALL the same things.

These are pretty much pattern behaviors. The nice thing about as humans though is that we are teleological: we can look ahead of us and steer our way through a series of obstacles towards a goal - even if that goal looks a long way off.

Your well on the way mate.

Nice thing abbout remembering or discovering that you are the strongest person you have ever met: Those "triggers" that can drive you crazy diminish to nothing and are NO LONGER obstacles to our goals.

We're not going to beat these problems, we're going to positively $%^&ing dominate them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 03:56 AM: Message edited by: sprint ]</small>

Confused-

Your wife is also 'confused' she is in the fog of the affair, so she will not be acting like the woman that you married.

You need to read all you can on this site, actually I found listening to the links on the "Talk Radio" tab helped a lot!!! I don't know why but just hearing Dr.Harley talk helped me alot, it was really calming.

You also need to read "Surviving an Affair". I believe that your WW (Wayward Wife) is still having the affair, she's just trying to be more careful, when she was still "talking" to him, although she said the affair was over, she surely got sucked right back in.

Her not giving you the number is a clear sign that she is lying to you.

You need to look into Plan A, and find out what that is all about.

Does the OM (other man) live in Florida? If so, I'm not sure that leaving the state is a bad idea. She may have her own reasons for thinking she needs to leave, but you are putting miles between her and the OM.....and that can't be a bad thing.

Read all you can, and try not to take this all personally....I know, easier said than done, I couldn't do it for a LONG time, but now I am in a place where I can.

My WH (Wayward Husband) is still having his affair, and oddly enough in the last few days I've come to the place where this isn't personal anymore. I've finally figured out, the A really isn't about ME...it's about them. From this perspective I am able to do what I need to do, without much of the hurt I've been feeling for so long. Now "Plan A" is about me.....changes I need to make in order to make my marriage viable and lasting, but removing myself from the pain of it all is proving to be very helpful.

It's taken a long time to get there.....but it's nice to be here now. I am sure that I'll still have *bad days*....but today is a good day, and I've had a lot of consecutive good days here lately.

Your faith in God will help, when you are able to let him take the wheel, it will all work out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-Caren

Oops! Double post with unfinished thought. Read below!

~ Snow

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

confusedhurt,

This is going to kill you to hear, but before I say it let me also say there is a silver lining on this cloud.

Your wife is very likely with OM this weekend. She knows she is moving and she has convinced herself that she needs these last few hours with OM to "get him out of my system," or to see if she is making the right decision by going NO CONTACT (NC) with him and leaving the state with you.

I know, totally sucks.

Worse, she is likely to return home even more confused than before, unhappy, and angry with you that she had to make such a choice in the first place.

I know, totally unfair.

But here's the silver lining. You can now understand where she'll be coming from and you have a chance to decide how to react to the gut-wrenching news that she is with him right now. What I mean is you have the perfect opportunity to practice a response that can help your marriage survive this assault. Cry your eyes out for a few because the pain has to have a place to go. Then take action.

1. Stop calling her. She's clear she doesn't want you to know where she is. Stop the pleading. She'll notice. She'll wonder, even in her foggy brain, if she's gone too far.

2. Don't be there when she gets home, if possible. Take the girls out for pizza if she's due in at dinner. If she makes it a late night, leave her a loving note on the table -- "sorry I missed you! Love, Hubby" but go to bed without her.

Don't allow her to tell you about all of the things she and her "girlfriends" did this weekend. Just take her hand, look her in the eyes, and calmly say, "I love you. I feel that anything that might come out of your mouth right now is likely to be made-up lies and I don't think our marriage can withstand any more damage. I know my heart can't."

She'll protest. But again, just look her in the eyes and say, "I can't take any more lies. So please don't speak."

She'll rant that you don't trust her and that you'll never get over this.

Just say, "No. I don't trust you yet. It is too soon for that. And maybe you're right. Maybe we can't recover. But I just know that I can't hear anything from you right now about your weekend."

No sarcasm. No lovebusters. Just honesty. Change the subject to what you and the girls did this weekend, how they missed her, yada yada yada. Then, when you get in front of the counselor you can go into the realities of how hard the weekend was on you. you need an ally for that discussion.

I hope this helps.

~ Snow