betrayed spouses read this and take much heart...


Then there’s me. For years I struggled to stay in my marriage because I thought God needed me to work in my ex’s life. For years, I allowed my exH to treat me poorly and never have a consequence for his choices. For years I degraded, disrespected, and unimportant—and I thought that was being “loving” and “godly.” I thought I HAD TO BE MARRIED, and boy I fought hard to stay there!!! But what’s unexpected is that now that I am not married, I can see my behavior so much more clearly. I was not being “loving” or “godly”—I was being selfish and afraid and impatient. I did not have my trust in God. In fact, I think now that I was standing in His way delaying His work! I had a major revelation the day I found Proverbs 4:23 “Guard your heart for it is a wellspring of life.” I am VALUABLE to God just as I am—married or single. I am worth enough to Him, that He wants me to protect myself and not just allow my heart to be hurt over and over and over again, because MY heart—MINE, the heart beating within ME—is a life-giving, bubbly spring for so many people that it is too valuable to allow it to be hurt! MY HEART!! Now…I do not need to be attacking or vicious in guarding my heart, but I do have a responsibility to not just lay down and let my heart be ripped to shreds. My heart is of great value, and from my heart springs life and energy and excitement and soul for many people. I need to protect it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
awesome

ARK

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 02:48 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Yes,this is about the same realization I came to many many months ago.I gave my time to help my WH but then I had to let go and let God take over.I had to detach and take care of myself and my children and I refused to be a part of all that pain and selfishness anymore,so I stopped being a part of it.I realized that I am a worthy being who deserves love,respect and care,none of which I was getting from my WH so I let him go.I am worthy and loved even if I am not married.I respect myself enough to know when to stop the madness in my life and not let other's hurt me anymore.I am not solely my marriage,I am so much more in this world and I have so much to give.

Great post!

O

It was humbling to me, once I threw WH out, to see how much love and energy the teenage kids needed -- and weren't getting. WH, with multiple sexual addictions, depression, rages, etc. -- had sucked the whole household emotionally dry.

ark - Can we make this a thread for BS's? So many of us need to realize this. Now that my WH is gone, I am happy every day. It took some time to get used to being alone, but now I can't believe how much I put up with.

Believer..

anything for you...

ark

I did a similar thing in my first marriage. My first H was a very manipulative, angry, self-hating person full of critisism. He always found ways to make me feel bad, to find things I did wrong, and I always tried to be "good" and make him happy/content. I didn't have a lot of self-respect, as you may have guessed. He walked all over me. He would, for example, not speak to me and ignore me for a week or so if things didn't quite go the way the wanted! Or he'd get aggressive when he drank, and he often drank.

But the idea of leaving him scared me to death - I felt I simply "couldn't do that to him". And being with him was a familiar unpleasantness - I was scared of the unknown, having been with him since I was 19.

It was as if I was in orbit around an unpleasant planet and needed something to kick me out of that orbit. Otherwise I would still be orbiting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Once I did leave him I went through some withdrawl. I actually felt guilty for not being there anymore to pack his lunch for work etc. He had "trained" me very well!

It took me some time to "dare" make my own decisions again, to do things I wanted to do, choose the furniture I liked etc.

Now, 14 years later, it feels like all this happened to someone else, or in another life. It's so far away. When I happen to bump into this man, I can't imagine ever having wanted to be his wife. It's sad, really, but in my opinion it would be a lot more sad if I had wasted any more years staying in this M.

My first H never broke the "forsake all others" vow (as far as I know, anyway) but he sure did break the "honor and respect" vow. And somehow that seems harder to repair.

bump

There are so many people on MB who really are afraid to leave their spouses. I understand that fear - it is a huge step. For me, with my three children, it also involves a lot of guilt. Even though he was the one who had an A, and treated me with so little respect for more than 3 years, I am the one who has taken the girls away from their father. But, in truth, he didn't behave as a father should. He didn't verbally or physically abuse them, but he just ignored them. I had to leave. It just wasn't a marriage anymore.

It is not easy but I do need to protect my heart. I have to give it time to heal. But it had got to a point that when he walked into the house after work, the whole atmosphere in our house changed for the worse.

Glad I checked in here. For some of us who are not rebuilding our marriages, there is a lot of advice here that is still so helpful. My heart is worth it and I do need to protect it!

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 09:26 PM: Message edited by: tummytuck ]</small>

Faithfulnew's post speaaks eloquently beyond just the fear of divorcing, seperating, and or plan Bing a spouse and those fears...

It speaks straight from the core that as autonomous individuals who hold great status and sanctity on this earth....

our ability to be loved does not depend solely on the giving or taking of love from a WS...

that a WS rejection no matter what it is...does NOT devalue are own value....

My heart is of great value, and from my heart springs life and energy and excitement and soul for many people. I need to protect it.

Those words are humbling and hopefully empowering...

Maya Angelou author of many books including I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS...

Speaks of a college experience in which she was attending private gatherings of professors...authors and lecturers..high education....in which she felt very out of place....
very young
less educated than all the rest..
and the professor leading the group had her read some passage in which the words were..

God loves me...

and he stopped her there and demanded she read it again...

and she repeated it lowly feeling very uncomfortable....embarrassed

again he demanded

and she said
God loves me...

again he barked at her...

and she said
God loves ME...

NOW GO AND BELIEVE IT....said her professor....

and Maya speaks of a turning point from that moment on...
that she believed in herself..as God wants us to...

The challenge is to feel your own souls worth...even when struggling with a weight that crushes your chest....let it not crush your spirit...

no matter the actions of the WS they are not reflectiing your ability to be loved...

no one human has that power....
and don't you dare give that to anyone...
and certainly not to your WS that is so lost in their own he!! and self torture...
for what they do in the name of love or anyother babble they apply to it...it is not so...
nor is it loving...
nor is it from a higher power...whatever that power is....

be strengthened in your plan A..
be proud in your plan B...

find your worth..
know your worth...

ARK

Wow!

Ark held an LB to my head and threadjacked my post! Now, she's cruising it up and down the forum...adding low-rider hydrolics and pumping out the tunes.

Ark, thanks for "getting it." As BS's the rejection and worthlessness sometimes overwhelms us and we feel as if WE are unworthy, and we are not. Whether I am married and my marriage recovers, or I am single and *I* recover, I have a duty to myself to guard my heart.

As a single person, I can remember thinking several times, "Well, gee, MY marriage didn't recover. What can I possibly add to MB? What good could I possibly do when I couldn't even save my own?" Boy, people, just LOOK!! I've been here on the MB forums for four years, and over the years I know for a fact that I've changed peoples lives!!

Guard your hearts, BS's--because your heart is a bubbly spring of life for those who come in contact with you!


CJ

Thank you. Just in the last day, I used the words "guard my heart" when sending an email to my H. I will look up the verse.
Cherished

I didn't use the phrase "guard my heart" but "protect my heart" today when counseling with an aquitance at church about her WH.

Pastor has been working with her for sometime, their is an OC. I was quite humbled when she said that pastor had told her to talk with me. (this is the 2nd person he has sent to me) I am humbled that he thinks that I am doing ok to help others.

As CJ said I didn't recover my marriage but I recovered me and I am a happy person with a good life for the most part. I still have my days and I allow myself those days, knowing that that is all they are is a day.

I owe a great big thank you to those that where here at MB when I stumbled in here. I still get a great deal of support from here. As I told this lady today, these people get it, they have lived it. That is different then our well meaning friends saying that they understand.

There is still so much to learn and to live out there!!! And MB helps get us through!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

oops <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

This quote seems very appropriate for this thread -

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people that are reckless with yours"

- Kurt Vonnegaut, Jr.

Ultimately I discovered that I was totally responsible for me. No matter what WH did or didn't do, I could only control how I reacted to the situation. I couldn't change him and he couldn't change me.

I had felt like a victim, but some wonderfully wise women on these boards got me to look at my choices, that I had choices and to do something about it. In my case it meant Alanon and trusting God instead of merely believing in Him. The result was that I made a decision to stand for my marriage, love my WH, but it did not mean that I had to put up with unacceptable behavior.

The growth in me is phenomenal. Here's another quote to describe how I feel today:

"There are no hopeless situations; only people who have grown hopeless about them."

- Claire Boothe Luce

It's all about attitude and having control over my additude. That's hard part for most people - they don't know how. Thank God I found the way. It's more like progress rather than perfection.


D.