WW and I had sf last night. She came on pretty strong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ,quite surprising, and it seemed to be about me,REALLY quite surprising. All seemed good until she seemed to fade off to somewhere else.I think she started to think of OM. So, my mind went elsewhere also. I have been having mental movies all week. so this didn't help. So, my question, Is this to be expected from her? Did you(FWW) think of OM when you had sf with bs? I gave her a backrub(nonsexual intention) and was planning on going to sleep. For any BS reading this, has this happened to you? and How did you deal with it? It has only been 7 weeks since DDay.

of course everyone is different but for me, no, i never thought of OM when i was with my H. when i was with my H, i was with my H!

I dont know if I am a seperate story or not, but I know that I tried to keep my H and OM so seperate in my head, that when i was with H - I was with H and still am. Luckily OM has never snuck into my mind during SF with H.

I am not sure how I would handle it if it ever happened. At this point in my recovery I would probably puke on my H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> as out of the fog - there are no good memories now - those good memories make me quite sick.

Have you asked her about it? Honesty is very important in recovery - you need to be honest with her that you felt her mind might have been elsewhere (not with OM in particular as that is an assumption)

And encourage her to be honest with you - it can't hurt worse than the A right? Make it safe for her to tell you if she was drifting to the A, maybe she was drifting to remorse - all the good feelings were coming back being with you, and the guilt took her over - I know that is something I have personally felt - the drifting due to guilt for what I had done.

-ds

For me no. I wanted to actively forget the OM when with my H. Totally him at these times. But I have spoken to other FWW who have trouble with this and seems to be where the A was allegedly about 'love' and they had a hard tme withdrawing.

However I did have immense problems with guilt at these times and a few times reacted ina similar way..... kept asking myself how he could even thnk of enjoying sf with me any more..

So might be a mix of a few things.....if it gets shorter with time thats good, if it increases or is static might need some M coaching help as time goes on.

All the best, dont panic or worry, watch the history as it evolves.

yes, i have had problems with remoseful feelings during SF or right afterwards. and those can be VERY strong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Getting to such honesty seems like a chore, but consider this.

DS lied to me easily and convincingly for months. You are facing a monumental lapse in fidelity and honesty by the very nature of As.

My advice is this:

1)Love her excessively. You need to leed by example here. Not needy "why don't you love me back" emotions, but genuine love. Be MORE romantic than you have ever been.

2)Love yourself. Not the arrogant [censored] "she'll miss me when I'm gone, antagonistic things we BS's can fall into. Get serious about getting in touch with what is great about you. Any businessman will tell you, its gonna be a tough sell if you don't love and understand the product.

3)Lead with trust. You will likely need to proverbially epose yourself to someone you fear may shred your heart. Done properly, with alot of though as to how she will react to what you share with her, she may find the sharing of truth endearing. I doubt she will open up immediately. Took my wife 30 days after NC, and it was STILL hard for her.

Lead her by the hand with this one, and SLOWLY mate. She needs to feel safe to share these things now, and you cannot assume the existence of ANY bond of trust.

Bring her along slowly. Get her to participate in sharing MARITALLY IRRELEVANT feelings for a LONG while. Consider it this way, how long did OM have to work at convincing her away?
I would submit I had to work harder than he did and for a longer period of time - as he didn't have to fix shared guilt and pain over a moral mistake.


Love her gently. If she is yours, she'll come back 150%

WOW!!!I did not expect such quick responses.
Let me start by saying, I ALWAYS encourage her to talk to me!!! But anything regarding the A shuts her down. I get bits and pieces, but just enough to raise more questions. Questions are not answered..So, I love,show affection, don't push sf. It feels like I am the one that had A.
I thought about asking her, but last time I asked a sf question, it didn't go anywhere, so I will try the patience route and hope that it is her feeling (quilt, remorse??)
I am really trying to use what sprint says, But it is so hard sometimes. I guess it is that rollercoaster thing.
I noticed this morning that she has actually started reading HN/HN. I am excited about this.I did not think she was interested in any books I have. Sorry, didn't mean to digress into other issues.
I just wanted various insights as to what to expect and pick the thoughts of FWW as to their thoughts in the begining of recovery, fog lift etc. I will keep my eyes posted for more. Thanks to all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I noticed this morning that she has actually started reading HN/HN. I am excited about this.I did not think she was interested in any books I have. Sorry, didn't mean to digress into other issues.
I just wanted various insights as to what to expect and pick the thoughts of FWW as to their thoughts in the begining of recovery, fog lift etc. I will keep my eyes posted for more. Thanks to all.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW! What fantastic news! Thats it truly a great opportunity. See if you can coax her into doing some of the exercises together. SHARE HER IDEAS WITH HER. She is probably in a very lonely place too, and desperately wants someone to understand her. In the wise advice of Dale Carnegie, a master conversationalist is one who listens more than they talk. You can always recognize them. They are the ones that truly seemed to understand you.

AVOID talking about the affair. AVOID talking about failures in the marriage. Talk about where you want your perfect relationship to go. And then be mindful that if SHE wants honest answers about ther affair or the marriage, you need to answer carefully but honestly. No lovebusters.

Go get her, mate! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: sprint ]</small>

Your dday was very recent. She may still be in withdrawl or a deep remorseful period. I always kept OM out of the SF with my H. But like FL said sometimes remose interfered with my SF times with my H. From the BS side I can tell you that during SF while H was still in the A and shortly after sometimes I would cry during SF. I had a hard time getting rid of the movies in my head.

Hi

Your wife sounds like where I was recently, and where B0B Pure's wife is still...and many others...

We become very remorseful and the self talk is very harmful - we feel guilty and so bad as a person for what we did, that anything that makes us feel good in the marriage - we feel we dont deserve it. Including good sex....we start to think halfway through it - why is he having sex with me? I dont deserve his love...

I continued to refuse to talk about the affair until a few weeks ago when i finally talked about it - but I still used a generalization - but it helped Sprint a bit more, and he made me feel safe...and bit by bit, I could talk a bit more, and a bit more...till 2 days ago, he asked me right out the things he need to know to get closure.

And with alot of courage and remembering he loves me and this is good, I told him anything he asked with complete truth and honesty...

Anytime I had to answer questions for him, it forced me to look back at a time I am so ashamed of and I would feel sick to my stomach, awful, what a horrible person I was...I hadn't developed the positive self talk I needed to to deal with this.

Work on developing your wife's self talk - help her learn to forgive herself, she needs to face the affair for both you and her to have closure. And facing the horrible things aobut yourself is an ugly truth that no one wants to face.

Burying the affair and not talking about it is far easier - but far more detrimental in the long run...

-ds

hurtnheart -

Sorry for your pain.

You're WW is the only one who knows what she was thinking about when she faded off to someplace else. Even in M's where there is no A, it's dangerous to try to read each other's minds.

You could ask her what she was thinking, but be prepared for whatever answer she gives you. Are you in MC or IC? It might be better to discuss this in counseling, either by yourself to help you with your mental movies, or in MC, where it would hopefully be a safe place for both of you to talk about something so painful.

sprint's advice sounds good to me!

God bless,

Rose

HnH I never thought of OM during SF. I'm guessing she was just over come with guilt feelings. Maybe she was anticipating what you might be thinking/seeing in your head, and the pain you were feeling.

She was probably wanting to shut down and run and hide from the pain she caused you.

((HnH)) Sorry for your pain, shut the imagine down, and think of something else, easier said than down, I'm sure, but that is what some of the BS talk about doing.

KY

I am just amazed at this forum, it is so unbelievable <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is nice to hear that maybe it wasn't the OM that happened, so I will go on the positive side and go with her self issues. Rose55, I am so ready for whatever her answers are, I want to be here as her friend as well as her husband. I can handle any!!!! responce/answer she has for me. I have to go

Okay, I'm not a FWS, but I think you may be reading more into this than you should be. If she started to drift off during SF, that doesn't necessarily mean that she was thinking about the OM. Don't try to get inside her head, or to guess what she's thinking. The next time that you two have SF, if you notice you think she's starting to "Drift off", then you need to bring her back to the present, kiss her, tell her how beautiful she is and how much you enjoy being with her and how special it is to you....stuff like that, just lovingly guide her back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Thanks Carenmc, I see how you are right. I did nothing at the time but go into my mindgames, feeling sorry for me, not what she might have been feeling rather than what she was thinking. I really am trying to connect with her. (PATIENCE)
Today she is really depressed and sleeping on the couch most of the morning. I told her if she needed anything, let me know, gave her a hug and kiss and left to do some weekend chores. It also helps to know what FWW thought. thanks.

bounce