I've been lurking on this site for a few weeks, and am really glad I found it. Thanks for all the (inadvertant) advice you've already given me. Here's my story so far...
Married for 6 years, together for almost 8, with a 2 yr old son. Wife has been having a PA for over a year, d-day was last April. We have since separated (I moved out). She is still seeing him, but also spends lots of time with me. We've both read "How to Affair Proof your Marriage", but she's so deep in the fog that she applied it to the OM instead of our relationship. We have filed for divorce, but it seems that neither one of us is willing to actually go through with it. She is constantly avoiding talking about the situation with me, and knows I'll do just about anything to save the marriage. I recently read "How to Survive an Affair", and have given it to her for her to read. I feel like she doesn't see a way back. I'm done being mad, because we all know that won't do anything but drive her away. I try to be supportive and nurturing whenever I have contact with her. She invites me out to dinner or lunch at least 2 times a week, and sometimes it seems as if nothing were wrong. I'm the one she confides in when she needs support or advice, and I know that she still has feelings for me. Recently she became aware that I knew how to contact the OM. She has started to be more open and honest with me, and even has suggested some things that bothered her about our relationship in the past. When she found out I know how to get ahold of the OM, she flipped out..."Why are you trying to ruin our lives" kind of stuff. Turns out, she's been telling the OM that we were divorced before they started dating. He has no idea that we are together as much as we are, and definitely doesn't know we are still married. So, the million dollar question is, do I enlighten him? I realize the ideal scenario is for her to do it and then have no further contact with him, and have indicated that to her. She says she's not sure she can do it, she isn't sure what she wants. I'm pretty sure that the guy will run the other way after being decieved for as long as he has. When I first moved out, it was because she needed "space", and we all know what that really meant. Even after I moved out, she didn't admit to a PA until a few months later. The OM is only around for the good times, has no idea about the financial troubles we've had, let alone the responsibilities of the house and raising a 2 year old. I feel like drastic steps are necessary before it's too late, and I've read with interest the posts about confronting the other man/woman. Would this be the biggest LB of all? I know she's mad because she's trying to protect the relationship, but I can't stand the thought of doing even more damage to our relationship. The flipside of that is going on like this, which is not an option either. I've written her numerous letters lately focusing on how to improve our relationship, and I believe that she has been receptive of them. She's brought up past incidents in our relationship that were LB's for her, and I've explained how I felt about them and how we could work to avoid them in the future. I've been trying my own version of plan A, so now I wonder if I need to pay this guy a visit (and be as polite and nice as I possibly can) and move to plan B?
