Anyone who's a former WS I have 1 question.

During your A and the time after, while going through withdrawl, did you honestly feel what you were saying? I ask because my WH's A ended only a week ago, he's still spending a lot of time away from us (at his sister's). He's still confused, but maintains that he doesn't feel "in love" with me. Do WS's really feel this way, or is it an intentional emotional wall to protect themselves?

Thanks

-Christine

moomy ofcourse people feel out of love...
the walls and blockades one must erect to be able to engage in affairs...feed off one another...

love without actions is meaingless...

and WS withdraw alot...most...some...all of the acts of love while in their affair..
and those that they do engage in ...are often empty actions...

each and every encounter that they can create a negative or hostile environment between the spouse and WS helps perpetuate the 'goodness and rightousness of and affair...

the brain will program itself to react and act negatively...to keep the affair going...
those neurons were fed a lot of crap for a long time to deny and justify hostile acts towards their spouse....

which level of Dantes Inferno is the two brothers eating the brains of the other....
self fullfing prophecy....

blechhh!!!!!

lost of energy to make the BS the enemy

The WS is still in the fog while going through withdrawal. You are the only person thinking rationally.

Only he can tell you how he is feeling, but remember he is still fogged.

For the WS, it is a choice to love the BS, you have all ready went through the "in love" "euphoria" phase and when you are feeling all giddy with the OP, which whom it comes so natural, you then confuse the "real love", the love of choice, you have for your spouse, for being "not in love with" because the fantasy love, the love of euphoria for the OP is stronger at the time.

Therefore, NC is important, break the bond, so the mind can clear and then the mind can chose to love the person they are married too.

I hope this helps.

KY

It's so painful to hear him still saying things like that to me. I know it will take time, and I pray his feelings for me will return. He seems so sincere and confident that they're gone forever. It's only been a few months since Dday and end of A, I don't know how others survive through this for long periods of time, but I am so tired and lonely....it seems never-ending.

Hopefully, I'll get more similar posts and I will go back into "relax" mode again. Damn emotions!!

Thanks, ARK

KY,

There lies the rub......WH and OW work together. WH is in process of deciding career path...accept current offer to VP or take outside offer that allows him to work from home. VP has been his personal goal, before age 45 and he is now 37...so it's early!). Just like his desire to work on R and M, he's on the fence with the job, too.

I know there needs to be complete NC, but he thinks he's fine. Sidenote, I've seen my H cut people completely out of his life on the drop of a dime and never look back, he can still see them (some were close family members) and be completely indifferent. So, I don't think it's impossible for him, but I feel it will slow down the withdrawl process and ultimately his decision to save our M.

Trying to stay positive....

Thanks, KY

-Christine

Mommy,

Ark and KY are both entirely right........and I'm sorry that it hurts when he says that. Good or bad, he is probably trying to be 'honest.' Please realize that his 'perception' of love is not real right now. He is equating LOVE with the intense emotional feelings (associated with altered neurotransmitters, etc in the brain).......

Love is not a feeling - Love is an action

Love is treating each other in a loving manner. Love is being respectful to each other. Love is honoring your vows, protecting your spouse, and choosing your M over outside choices.

Right now, since he is in withdrawal (and most likely since he hasn't done a lot of reading, soul searching, or counseling), he isn't quite sure what love is.........

It has been over 1.5 years for my H and I. We are getting a divorce, but last weekend we met and discussed some of the issues that had been unresolved since his EA....One of the statements he said to me was "You were in love with OM."

I corrected him. I said "No, it was not real love. I was in love with the idea of someone wanting me and treating me well."

You see, my H never did any personal recovery of his own (from my A nor from his A). So he still equates love with a feeling. I doubt he will ever understand how I "thought" I loved OM. He will always "think" he loved OW.

I don't really know if that made much sense, but please take note that your H is confused right now. It may take a long time for him to understand....I know I was confused about how to understand why I thought I had 'loved' OM during my A - I was confused for a long time. But in spite of my confusion, I decided to act lovingly to my H. And although I didn't have those 'intoxicating' and 'euphoric' feelings again with my H, I began to appreciate him and love him again. Funny thing is, I still love him. But realize that unless he does some recovery of his own, we cannot be healthy together.

A book that I would suggest he read to help him would be "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It was probably the most helpful book (IMVHO) to me as a WS. The others seemed to focus on how the BS should cope with their feelings. "Torn Asunder" gives perspective from both sides and seems to really get under the skin of the A.

Good luck!

L.I.T.,

Thank you for the reply, it does make sense. Still, WH hasn't made the choice to act lovingly in spite of his confusion. He knows I use this site and have a copy of HN/HN, but he hasn't done more than view the web page of basic concepts. At the time he said it made sense, but the A was fairly new and already exposed (he told me upfront), he is not receptive to reading anything from me right now. I do know he's very confused right now, tells me he does a lot of driving (my mind still thinks he may be talking with OW), but we're getting along just fine. Throughout all of this, neither of us has been ugly or bitter and we only yelled the first time Thursday night. We've even had phone calls lasting several hours where we just talk about everything and nothing (but not the R or related topics). So, I'm definately hopeful for recovery, right now I need reassurance that the EA is over but he's not emotionally available to me.

Thank you.

-Christine

Mommy:

It might be helpful for you to get a copy of SURVIVING AN AFFAIR. It will help you understand the MB Concepts and System better.

Again I say your WH's withdrawal begins again each time he has any contact whatsoever with the OW. My FWH, like yours, can cut people off easily. However, also makes sure that he is not around these people, including the FOW.

Also, I am concerned about him not living with you. I recommend that a major goal for you would be to get him to come back home. Maybe his sister could tell him that she does not want him to live with her.

I hope my suspicions are incorrect about him. I don't think you can go into RECOVERY with the situation as it stands now. RECOVERY requires you two spending most of your time together. Plus, are you able to account for all of his time, insuring that he is not meeting with her.

This is coming from my own experience with my FWH.....

Mimi,

Unfortunately, he has many options for temporary housing and has a room available March 1 (his original plan to leave before OW's BF exposed to him/us) . He feels he needs to be away to think, I asked him to leave "early" because he was talking with OW while in our home. I could not be a witness any longer.

I know I need SAA, I will try Borders tomorrow. As far as the NC is concerned, I don't have any control over that. Believe me, no one wants the NC more than I do. The way things are now, I should just assume the A is not over. I can't verify his where abouts, cell usage, or credit card activity.

Tonight is just sad for me. Watched "Pretty Woman" of all things and cried like a baby when she finally kissed him. GOD, I miss the kissing and intimacy sooo much.

-Christine

OH NO! Don't watch romantic movies! I continue to hate PRETTY WOMAN!!!

Yes, you probably need to assume that the A is continuing but that doesn't mean your M is over. Stick with your PLAN. I just don't want him to continue to fool you.

I understand what you are going through.

I don't have much time right now but I will be hanging in there with you.

my A was emotional...i couldnt carry out the physical part and stopped all contact after some time ....i did believe what i was saying....i was in love with cindy, i just had low self esteem....i felt like a failure as i could not make her or i feel any better after she lost our triplets....we were devestaed.....
but i did believe what i was saying when i wanted to come home which was immediately after getting busted...i wanted to come clean the entire time but i guess i rationalized that since i never had sex with OW that i didnt have an affair....cindy didnt see it that way.....i dont either anymore and i knew it was wrong when i was talking and flirting

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
<strong> Anyone who's a former WS I have 1 question.

During your A and the time after, while going through withdrawl, did you honestly feel what you were saying? I ask because my WH's A ended only a week ago, he's still spending a lot of time away from us (at his sister's). He's still confused, but maintains that he doesn't feel "in love" with me. Do WS's really feel this way, or is it an intentional emotional wall to protect themselves?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mom - I thought a lot about this question - why it took me so long to answer. I never stopped loving my wife all thru my A. I felt completely unloved, and complained about that with the XOW. I described my wife's lack of affection, etc., and the XOW seemed to replace that. I had both then - affection and admiration from XOW, other ENs (all minor) from my W. Neither met all my major ENs, but I went along with both for a while. When the A died, and I was confronted, I knew immediately that I was in love with my wife and would take whatever measures were possible to ensure I never strayed again. Withdrawal is hard to point to, I went thru a period of depression, but because I suffer from MDD, it just seemed like any other episode. My wife didn't discover the A until it was over.

But I never stopped loving my wife, never told her she wasn't loved, etc. I lied in other ways - mostly just covering my trail, hiding phone bills, etc.

David

David,

I think it helps me....not sure. WHs A only ended about 9 days ago, and only due to reverse exposure (OW had a BF and had been lying to my WH the entire time). He has always told me he loved me and that I was his best friend, but that he was not "in love" with me....and it was against his nature to "settle" in life.

He remains outside the house, determined that he needs to decide what he wants to do. I just feel helpless. I keep trying to fill ENs, but he's so self-loathing right now.

This is sooo damn hard!!

-Christine