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My XOW just contacted me - brought up some very wonderful old feelings. I am in TROUBLE. I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT ALREADY. She asked if I was ok - thought maybe I needed help - was thinking about me and wanted to make sure everything was ok.....I FEEL LIKE I WANT HER FRIENDSHIP BACK! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING. NOT AFTER THIS HELL!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!! I AM TOO TEMPTED.
<small>[ February 06, 2005, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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Oh God, please, someone hit me with something. Cheryl has just walked out to be with her OM, and I am REALLY IN TROUBLE. My XOW is ONLINE - haven't spoken to her in almost 4 years. I almost left my marriage for her. She is there for me NOW. I tried to tell her I was going thru a difficult time, but she said she could sense it from a long way off and wanted to see if I need any help.....and I am not in shape for this. SOMEONE WITH SENSE TALK TO ME. Dammit - I feel like I am ready to walk into this. She was a good woman then and I was a fool to befriend her. But I am SCREWED NOW. PLEASE! I have to tell her I can't do this, but the comflict is so great, and my anger is too real at my WS. HOW DOES ANYONE HANDLE THIS? This timing is TOO WEIRD!
<small>[ February 06, 2005, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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All I can say is what you know already - DON'T DO IT...
I had a ONS a few weeks ago out of revenge - it didn't help things at all, and just made me feel cheap. I understand that you want her "friendship", but both of us know what can happen when we are weak.
Take the high road, so if you do eventually end up in D you can tell yourself that you did everything you could to save the M, and nothing to destroy it further.
TM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan:
<strong> All I can say is what you know already - DON'T DO IT...
I had a ONS a few weeks ago out of revenge - it didn't help things at all, and just made me feel cheap. I understand that you want her "friendship", but both of us know what can happen when we are weak.
Take the high road, so if you do eventually end up in D you can tell yourself that you did everything you could to save the M, and nothing to destroy it further.
TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TM - I'm trying. If you've followed my story you are aware of what is going on. I fell in love with this woman, but gave her up because I loved my W - I STOPPED THE A because I loved my W. Now my W has walked on me to be with OM, and XOW shows up THE SAME NIGHT. This is TOO NUTS! I'm already on the verge of a breakdown.All I need is someone that I really fell for to contact me now. I already told her that I was in turmoil with W - she said she understands and wants to help...- the A NEVER STOPS DAMAGING!
This can't be a ONS - Not only that , but this relationship took MONTHS to develop, slowly. We can't even see each other. I told her we should not be in contact. She's 2000 miles away. But she was a true friend until this turned into an EA (never went to PA) This is FRELLING DANGER! I HATE WEEKENDS!
<small>[ February 06, 2005, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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Timing schmiming. Don't! Getting excited about synchronicity between WW's behavior and the return of your OW is WS thinking. It is not GOOD that she contacted you. If it's a sign of anything, it's a sign that there's evil in the air.
Take up with her again and accept her help in destroying your M, and you'll regret it. You know it too. You can't be friends! I'd give better odds to a fox visiting a henhouse and just eating chicken feed.
GC
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> Timing schmiming. Don't! Getting excited about synchronicity between WW's behavior and the return of your OW is WS thinking. It is not GOOD that she contacted you. If it's a sign of anything, it's a sign that there's evil in the air.
Take up with her again and accept her help in destroying your M, and you'll regret it. You know it too. You can't be friends! I'd give better odds to a fox visiting a henhouse and just eating chicken feed.
GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have to be right. I have already requested NC - via IM - about 3 minutes ago - I don't attribute this to timing. But there is something to damned ironic about it. I fell for this woman like no one else, and only my vows to my wife saved me from sacrificing my M to be with her. I believed we would have been better suited from the start. I don't think she's after an A - she wanted to know if I was alright. But MY GOD - HAS THE FOG TAKEN ME???????
<small>[ February 06, 2005, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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tanelornpete - Not to be flippant, but one good sin deserves another, right?
tanelornpete, I don't know your story (other than what's in your sig line) and I don't know your faith, but doesn't it seem totally illogical that you can't commit 100% to your wife and marriage because you react this way over ONE freakin' contact after 4 years!?
Time to decide. Either you are 100% committed to your marriage for the rest of YOUR life, or you are not. But the drama and indecision need to stop.
Granted that I know nothing about your wife's affair, it's causes, etc., it seems that YOU are trying to save your marriage. Just what part of "take up with your former OW in ANY way" is part of a successful marriage recovery plan?
Feel Good. That's what this is all about, isn't it?
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This can't be happening. It can't! I just went thru hell today - and look forward to more tomorrw as my WS gets the rest of her stuff out of my house, and the only other person to enter my life in 18 years shows up to see if I need help. That MAKES NO SENSE! What on EARTH can God be requiring of me? It took me months to get over this woman - - she moved to another state - even before my wife found out about the affair (no, I wasn't gong to tell her - she found our goodbye emails 3 years ago). My WS is probably with her OM in her new house, and I am sitting alone playnig Morrowwind, and on comes the XOW. Thi is sick irony. My church virtually throws me out because my wife is having an A, and I sit here alone...and after 3 1/2 years, out pops XOW.
Davidiot
<small>[ February 06, 2005, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete:
<strong> My church virtually throws me out because my wife is having an A...
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really? Methinks you need to find a new church - one that supports you in your toughest times, not abandons you...
TM
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Forever - I am committed to my wife - that's one reason I quit my EA several years ago. But my WS walked out tonight to be with her OM, and she has LBd me into the ground. I have no Love Bank left. THat s; why I'm asking for this help. This is too much for one man. I'm angry at my WS, I left OW 4 years ago, I am in Plan A, planning on Plan B, and knowing thay my Wife is in bed with her lover right now. And the only other woman I have ever fallen for contacts me out of nowhere - after 3 1/2 years. I don't want a part of this, but you have to - you MUST understand the irony and the confusion. I fell in love with this woman, and only my vows for my W kept me from ruining my marriage. Me W has never forgiven me for this A. And this woman is offerning friendship again. What would you do? Especially if you knew the hell my kids and I have been thru for the past few weeks....
Davidiot
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TravellinMan: <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete: <strong> My church virtually throws me out because my wife is having an A... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Really? Methinks you need to find a new church - one that supports you in your toughest times, not abandons you... TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm tempted - they feel that a husband is responsible fot the marriage, and if the wife leaves, he is responsible. But I do have my kids in their private school, and it's a good one. I am really angry about their decision. I am going to contest it. I did nothing worthty of censure. Unless I fall for Leslie again. Then I'd deserve it... David
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David,
What has likely happened is that the OW has heard about your wife's affair and is trying to start things up with you again. She is trying to take advantage of your vulnerability.
DON'T FALL FOR IT!!
You will not be happy if you hook up with her again, because you now KNOW that cheating is not an honorable thing to do.
Besides, do you REALLY want to be with someone who will cheat with you? Regardless of how you feel about this woman, she is not an honorable woman.
Hang tight, and call a guy friend to help keep you from submitting to temptation.
And, if you have faith, PRAY!!
LC
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David,
I would not contest it but I would flee from this church ... it makes me angry since they are the one who shut the door on themself and not letting anyone else to reach HIM.
If your WW repent ... her sin (A) is not unforgivable sin what your church has done is.
-rh-
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lady Clueless:
<strong> David,
What has likely happened is that the OW has heard about your wife's affair and is trying to start things up with you again. She is trying to take advantage of your vulnerability.
DON'T FALL FOR IT!!
You will not be happy if you hook up with her again, because you now KNOW that cheating is not an honorable thing to do.
Besides, do you REALLY want to be with someone who will cheat with you? Regardless of how you feel about this woman, she is not an honorable woman.
Hang tight, and call a guy friend to help keep you from submitting to temptation.
And, if you have faith, PRAY!!
LC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Milady - there is no way she could have hear about this. No one even knew where she went. This was a random event - could have happened any time. I have my faith, and I am praying. And I believe sincerely that is Satan can do it, he will ruin anything he can.
My problem is, I stopped this A because of my vows to my wife, not because I did not love this woman. And that is an error - apparently I never stopped 0 even after the withdrawal stage - because the moment she poppen into my screen the same emotion took me - not lust, or desire, but comfort. THat's what got me in the fisrt place. Please help me. Please pray that I can overcome this. My wife is in bed with another man right now. My children lie sleeping in my house. I am alone for the first time in 18 years. I am frightened, and depressed, and the one woman that has ever seem d like she really cared for me popped onto my IM screen tonight while I was waiting for my WS to appear. I am too confused. This is too wierd. I fell for this woman once, and I could do it again in a moment. Even the fact thatsjhe was willing to move across country to save my marriage meant something to me. I am in DEEP TROUBLE. I know what the right thing to do it. But I am questioning, especially after what has happened (you may want to check my threads) what IS the right thing...
I am protecting my kids - thats ALL I know
David
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I see where you're coming from with the stuff about the XOW not there to start anything up. But you know it doesn't matter. Your needs aren't being met, all that. You're incredibly vulnerable. You're getting dragged through a sewer. Here's a potential rescuer. But you know that's one hand you shouldn't accept.
Regarding your church... it's straight out of la-la land for one human to be condemned for the sins of another, regardless of which one has the Y chromosome.
Churches censure their members? Publicly?
GC
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Pete... CJ told me something very simple once when I was having a bad day, and it helped me in a surprisingly profound way.
She said, "Let this day end."
GC
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> Pete... CJ told me something very simple once when I was having a bad day, and it helped me in a surprisingly profound way.
She said, "Let this day end."
GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Grey - it's not a public censure - I have been requested not to take communion because my 'house is not in order'. irst time I've been dismayed at their actions. They should have taken my wife's actions into consideration and mine - I take my kids to school and church - and acted accordingly. I don;t know what's up unless my WS said something - which is entirely possible.
Let this day end. Wonderful words. I need to. I have had hardly any sleep in the past four days. I've been in hell, my wife leaving, my kids upset, me stressed to thr point of breaking. And then in comes XOW. And we both knew it was wrong - she moved across country, I faced the consequences of my EA. And all of the sudden she feel sthe need to check on me - four years later. She knows Dr. Harley's books, has them all, and yet she contacted me. We are both confused. She said she felt like I needed a boost. I fell for her the moment her name showed up on my screen. I requested NC, she said 'Of Course'. But that does not end it. I don't know what to do.
My problem is, I am vulnerable, and even if XOW is fully aware and will not give in, because she knows what is going on - I am still inclined to fall for her. This is a bad thing. Maybe XOW will post - she never has (as far as I know - she's just read the books) - maybe she will help - Leslie - if you are there, let me have the space for this to work - you know how I feel about you, you know how you feel about me. Please don't hurt us. I know you know what I'm asking...Please think this through. You know what is at stake, and so do I. We both are aware. Please - NC unless you can help.
I hate weekends. No one kicks me in the head!
Davidiot
<small>[ February 06, 2005, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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What would you do? Especially if you knew the hell my kids and I have been thru for the past few weeks.... well this just seems to be your way of inviting new hell into your childrens lives... mommy teaches the kids that when mommy is unhappy with dad...she just goes out a gets them a new daddy... and now daddy teaches them... when daddy is unhappy with mommy she just goes out gets them a new mommy... and taa-daa... as long as mommy and daddy are happy happy happy .. then surely the kids only want their happiness.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> you stand at a fork in the road...and the one with your OW surely only holds more chaos and destruction for your children... Who is this about.. your needs or your children's needs how is it exactly that your OW is on IM and finds you? do you have to have list buddies or something like that... did you give her one.. did you have hers all along... You are not a victim...though you are laying the victim card down hard... you are not a slave to your emotions unless you choose to be... your children need you more than you need this OW more than you need your wife to be your wife.. your children need and deserve an adult to act like an adult.... steady stable calm not some love-starved victim.... and I beg you... litterally beg you... do NOT invite your OW to make a mockery of this board....and all the other BS in their chaos... so that you two can carry on some twisted contact... Leslie - if you are there, let me have the space for this to work - you know how I feel about you, you know how you feel about me. Please don't hurt us. I know you know what I'm asking...Please think this through. You know what is at stake, and so do I. We both are aware. Maybe Leslie will post - she never has (as far as I know - she's just read the books) - maybe she will help Please - NC unless you can help. I can't believe you invited her to post here.. HERE!!! she can't help you... only you can help you... please, someone hit me with something. I hate weekends. No one kicks me in the head well there it is ARK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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David,
I was chomping at the bit to get in line here and say GET A GRIP How on earth did this other woman from the past get in contact with you AGAIN??????? Ooh this makes me SO mad.TALK ABOUT TIMING.This woman pops out of the wooodwork at just the right time doesn't she?!? How nice that she asks if you are ok? She could "Sense" what was going on??? GIVE ME A BREAK! SHE IS AN OPPORTUNIST! DON'T YOU SEE THAT?
If you get involved with this other woman again while going through what you are now,YOU WILL NEVER HAVE LEARNED A THING FROM YOUR PAST BEHAVIOR.
I hear all the same trappings in your posts about this other woman that you probably told yourself before.God help you.
O
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My guess is that on some level your wife senses that you have feelings for the XOW and that she does not feel secure in your love. She may have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you contact your XOW it is over for you and you will have proved your wife correct. Search deep within. Have you given 100%? Only you can answer this question. Maybe this is your test in life. It is time to risk it all for your wife. What is the worst that will happen? You will be able to look your kids in the eye.
Why not try the Catholic Church. We get bad press, but the Church is very supportive to marriage and to reformed sinners. Go sit in the back today and listen. Maybe you'll like it. I am sure the Episcopal and Presb. Churches are kind as well. I don't know much about the others, but have only had positive dealings with the above. It just matters that you go somewhere where you are supported, and I can tell you, we Catholics do turn the other cheek.
<small>[ February 06, 2005, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: new jersey ]</small>
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