We found out yesterday that Patriot is not going to be deployed to Afghanistan. His orders changed and he is being put on active duty here in our own city. So he now has a full-time job (since he quit his as per everyone's advice) and he will get to stay home.

Hi, frozen.

That is OUTSTANDING NEWS!!

This will give you two time to work on your relationship and heal.

I am very glad for you.

Gimble

Thanks, Gimble

Froz, you alright girl? I know it's all just typing, but I sense somethings not quite right.

You seem, I don't know, I guess flat about Patriot not going over seas......

Maybe I'm wrong, just wanted to make sure you were okay.

-Caren

FROZEN1229

I do not know if you have tried antidepressants. I read you were thinking about them. Before you do, consider seeing a psychiatrist. I started on an antidepressant prescribed by a doctor with a general practice and unfortunately the drug made the problem worse. I had a severe reaction to the medicine and was referred to a psychiatrist who determined I had a bipolar-disorder. This meant an antidepressant taken alone is risky. Most doctors with general or family practice are ill-equipped to make the initial diagnosis.

Hey Frozen & Patriot!

That's great news!!! I'm happy for you guys...

Semper Fi,
RIF

Hello again Frozen.

What do YOU think about him not being deployed?

Positive? NEgative? Neutral?

Why?

I am curious. As someone said above me, text is not a good way to communicate emotion, but I feel a certain ambivalence is present in your original post.

-OAK

OAK-

I am very glad that he is not going overseas. I'm kind of confused because it's so odd it can't be a coincidence. I believe that God orchestrated all of this. It's like God wanted Patriot to have everything his heart desired. I'll explain...

-On September 1, 2004, we got engaged.

-Also in September Patriot was promoted in the Army reserves to E-7

-We found out he was being deployed around October

-We changed our wedding date from October 2005 to December 11, 2004 (because of the deployment)

-D-Day: November 12, 2004

-Also in November, if you recall, Patriot quit his job. This was really scary for him because with the impending deployment in such a short time, he would not be able to find a job in his field.

-Wedding Day: December 11, 2004
If it wasn't for the added pressure of the deployment, I probably wouldn't have made the decision to go ahead with the wedding despite D-Day. *I believe God put the deployment in his path so we would move our wedding date up. He knew D-Day was coming and wanted to ensure that I would still marry Patriot.*

-January: Patriot decides he would like to go back to school to get his Master's degree when he returns from overseas. He wonders how he can accomplish this and still find a job when he gets back.

-February: Specifically because Patriot is now an E-7, and there is a need for one at his unit (there were two E-7's in his particular department and the other one just got promoted, leaving only him), the Army (or God) has now ensured that Patriot will stay home. Patriot now has his wife, gets to stay home, has a full-time job, can go to school in the evenings, and the Army will even pay for it.

I'm thrilled that he will be home. I had no idea how I was going to get through the next 12-18 months with him gone. It's hard enough with him here. I am also glad that he will be safe.

I'm a little "thrown for a loop". I guess we both are because it still feels a little surreal. We had made plans and had such a mindset that he was leaving. It's just kind of hard to switch gears that fast.

I'm a little scared because with him being gone, it felt like putting the marriage on hold, somewhat, for 12-18 months. Now that he's staying I have to figure out how I can do this (heal), because something inside me died on D-Day and I really don't believe that it will ever come back. I love him. I really do, but I feel emotionally crippled now and I feel guilty that he is giving so much and I have nothing to give and am making him quite miserable most of the time.

I am also a bit angry with God for showering Patriot with everything his heart desires while I have been deprived of the one thing I have hoped for my entire life - to love and be loved unconditionally, something I never received even as a child. You might say that I have that opportunity in front of me now. Maybe I do. But if I do, it's rather ironic that now that it's being given to me, I am incapable of receiving it because this time the damage is just too great. Maybe it's a compilation of all the other betrayals of my life added to this one, but it doesn't really matter. I guess it's kind of like telling someone who's just has acid dumped all over their body that it will never happen again. That's great that it won't happen again, but the damage has already been done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
<strong> OAK-

I am very glad that he is not going overseas. I'm kind of confused because it's so odd it can't be a coincidence. I believe that God orchestrated all of this. It's like God wanted Patriot to have everything his heart desired. I'll explain...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I understand. Let me throw another point of view, if I may.

Might it not be that God is making him forsake a lesser duty(armed service) for a greater one (your marriage)? I mean, far be it from me to claim to understand God's plan, but this makes sense to me. Patriot, perhaps being truly repentant, is being shown that he has been found wanting and is being given the opportunity to better himself. I mean, look at his chosen handle. That would seem to show someone who takes their duty to their country serisouly. It may be that this is blessing and curse all in one to him.

I might also be way off base.

Have you asked him how he feels, and what his thoughts are? I would be interested in hearing from him as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
<strong>I guess it's kind of like telling someone who's just has acid dumped all over their body that it will never happen again. That's great that it won't happen again, but the damage has already been done. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lord, I know that feeling too. There is something to think about, though. You strike me as someone who has seen her share of adversity. Has it been your experience that while we might end up scarred, we do heal?

I have seen that happen to me any number of times.
Like any injury of the body, injuries to the soul do heal, given time and proper care. They leave their marks on us, sure. But they do heal.

Someone very wise once told me that there is a name for these healed mental and emotional scars.

They told me, "Character".

All the best to the both of you,

-OAK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">something inside me died on D-Day and I really don't believe that it will ever come back.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Give what "died" a name ... and let's discuss.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel emotionally crippled now </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are NOT emotionally crippled. You are wounded, but not crippled. Saying you are "crippled" is a defensive mechanism to give yourself permission to stop where you are.

So, just stop where you are anyway, and rest. You don't need the "permanently crippled" lie to give yourself permission to rest.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel guilty that he is giving so much and I have nothing to give and am making him quite miserable most of the time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So ... just rest. This feeling is temporary. Trust me. This miserable feeling is not permanent .... It's NOT!

I hereby grant "Froz" permission to rest guilt-free by my powers of Beatlemania ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am also a bit angry with God for showering Patriot with everything his heart desires while I have been deprived of the one thing I have hoped for my entire life</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">normal normal normal

Relax and rest. You are not hopeless. You are not emotionally crippled.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Maybe it's a compilation of all the other betrayals of my life added to this one, but it doesn't really matter.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can I join this party? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I was angry at God for things besides my H's affair. My infertility, for one. But now, years later.... some of the mystery of the infertitily and the affair has been unveiled... and I see a purpose for my pain and suffering!

time time time

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess it's kind of like telling someone who's just has acid dumped all over their body that it will never happen again. That's great that it won't happen again, but the damage has already been done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My word picture was this: (said to my H)

"You have torn the wings off the butterfly. She will never fly again."

Good, aren't I <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Rest guilt-free.
Cut yourself some slack.

Pep

Okay, Pep, I had to take all day to think about this...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Give what "died" a name ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My hope, my dreams, my belief in people, my belief that I am loveable and beautiful (I'm sure there is more, but we'll call that the "nickname").

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are wounded, but not crippled.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I am. I was wounded when my mother gave me away at birth and then rejected me again at 20 when I found her. I was wounded when I was adopted into a family who didn't accept me and shamed me. I was wounded when I got pregnant in high school and then abandoned by the father. I was wounded when I got married at 19 and then beat and cheated on for four years. I was wounded when I got married at 27 and then divorced at 31 because he betrayed me by molesting my beautiful daughter.

Patriot gave me love. He showered me with acceptance and happiness and hope. I believed in him and he betrayed me, too. This is too much. This is crippled.

I'm sick of being a victim. It seems there are two kinds of people in this game, the hurters and the victims. I refuse to be a hurter and I'm rather sick of being a victim, so why should I play? I'm not attempting to throw some pity party for myself. I'm just simply tired and lacking the desire, for once, to overcome odds and paste a "Pollyanna-ish" smile on my face and jump right back out there and ask for more.

Hi, frozen.

I will let you in on a well known, but little understood 'secret';

- Everyones life sucks at times -

Whether you are good, bad, ugly, indifferent, or passionate, it makes no difference. Life is going to throw 'crap balls' at you on a routine basis.

What counts in this life, on this planet, is how you deal with the 'crap balls'.

From what you have written, you have seen more than a few 'crap ball' storms. It also appears that you have weathered them well.

You will weather this storm well, too. Just cut yourself some slack and realize that you are human. Humans have limitations and need time to rejuvenate, but we have an amazing capacity to bounce back. You have already proven that in your life.

Don't give up just because you are tired. Take a break now that you have a bit of extra time. A couple of weeks 'off' from the battle won't do any harm.

Besides all that, if you do give up, life will still keep throwing 'crap balls' at you, only you won't be ducking :-)

Patriot is one hell of a lucky man to have you.

Gimble

Gimble, first, thank you for your kind words.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Life is going to throw 'crap balls' at you on a routine basis.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize I am not the only person in this world that has been hurt or had 'crap balls' thrown at them. I also realize I cannot completely control that they will be thrown at me. But because of poor judgement, I've turned 'crap balls' into all-out s**t storms in the past. I gave you a little bit of my history with this. So how much sense does it make to add "At 34, married Patriot even though he'd been having an A for half our relationship"? I don't believe that this is the ONE time I made a bad decision that is going to pay off. To me, it just sounds like my repeated behavior of seeking love from someone who doesn't give it to me.

I don't think he is a bad person. I know that good people sometimes do bad things. He is trying very hard. I think he felt trapped in a relationship he didn't want to be in. That's probably why he didn't want to get married in the first place. I think he just feels guilty because he is a nice person and he hurt someone that cared about him. I think he sought redemption in marrying me. I don't want to be his penance and I don't think it's fair for him to be misled or hold out some false hope that I'm going to be okay. I won't. Is it right for me to sentence him to sharing my misery?

Hi, frozen.

About 29 years ago, my wife married a barely recovered drug addict who had been with hundreds of women, many of which he had while living with her.

That man was me.

Today, we are very happy. We have a wonderful daughter that is working on her doctorate in a highly technical field. We own our house, vehicles and property, and we make 6 figure salaries.

We are not perfect. We still make mistakes and have issues with each other. What we CHOOSE to do, is to work through them. Those choices are the same ones we made 29 years ago. We make those choices today, and we will continue to make them tomorrow.

It is up to you to choose whether or not you will be okay. It is a choice.

The simple fact of the matter, is that people that choose to stumble through life, are making a choice. They are choosing to let others choose for them. I don't know about you, but I damn sure don't want others choosing for me.

All the best,
Gimble

I'm afraid. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: frozen1229 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
<strong> I'm afraid. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, frozen.

Of course you are afraid.

Fear of the unknown, the uncertainty of decisions yet made, the knowledge of mistakes already made, all leave us wondering what the hell to do next.

No matter what decision you make, it will have both good and bad aspects. We are imperfect creatures, unable to view the large picture.

So, how do we make a mostly good decision? We make the best decision we can, based on what we know, and give our emotions about a particular issue, less credence than the facts. Then we live with the results of our decision.

The worst decisions are those born solely out of emotion. Even then, you can't totally ignore emotional aspects of any given issue.

We deal with fear by making the best decisions we can, knowing that there will be both good and bad fallout from the decision.

You can't allow yourself to live in fear of pain, emotional and physical. You will encounter both in your life.

What you can do is take focus away from your fear by making good choices.

Let me list a few good choices that I see you have made.

-You chose to love your husband. This is a good thing.

-You chose to give birth to a beautiful daughter.

-You chose to read and post here.

-You chose not to give up hope even when you had been emotionally and physically abused.

-You chose to address your husband's infidelity.

I have to tell you, I see one fine woman here. I don't see someone suffering from fear for long.

I would really love to hear about other things you have faced in your life.

All the best,
Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The worst decisions are those born solely out of emotion.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't that what I've done by marrying him?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would really love to hear about other things you have faced in your life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">such as?

Gimble, thanks for your help. I'm truly grateful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by frozen1229:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The worst decisions are those born solely out of emotion.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't that what I've done by marrying him?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would really love to hear about other things you have faced in your life.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">such as?

Gimble, thanks for your help. I'm truly grateful. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your decision to marry him was hardly done solely out of emotion. It would be very difficulty to make a decision like you made without the weight of the baggage (knowledge of the situation) you were carrying into the decision.

I would love to hear about how you dealt with the rejection of your birth mother. How did you overcome the difficulties of being young and pregnant? How did you escape from your abusive marriage? Talk about major battles...

Never be ashamed of where you have come from. The issues you have faced have refined your character - more than you currently realize.

I would much rather fly with a pilot that has successfully handled an in-flight emergency, than one that hasn't faced such a possibility.

What you are learning now will serve you in ways that you have yet to imagine.

Eventually, you will not only help others through similar situations, but you will take part in even preventing similar mistakes from occurring. Your knowledge may help you in buying a car, or running a large corporation.

I want to learn from what you have experienced. Others here do as well.

Gimble

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would love to hear about how you dealt with the rejection of your birth mother.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know that I have dealt with it. It is still quite painful for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How did you overcome the difficulties of being young and pregnant? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was difficult, but I didn't really have a choice. I had the choice after she was born. At the time she was born I felt I had no other choice but to give her up for adoption. My parents had kicked me out (made arrangements for me to live at a maternity home). They told me I couldn't come back home unless I gave my baby up for adoption. When I saw her I knew I couldn't do that. I was fascinated, with her being the only person I'd ever met who I was blood-related to. Sometimes I wonder if that was a selfish thing to do. I was too young to be a mother and I made a lot of poor choices. My parents came around quickly after she was born. I was glad for her that she had grandparents who loved her. But in a way, it was heartbreaking for me. I always thought they didn't love me or accept me because I wasn't their real child. But they loved and accepted her unconditionally. I surmised that it must be me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did you escape from your abusive marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That wasn't easy. I tried to leave many times before the final time. I was always forced to go back because I didn't have anyone to help me and I was young with no job, no car, no money, and two small children. He finally allowed me to have a job, it gave me confidence. One day he got a check in the mail that he wasn't expecting, for around three grand. I took it, forged his name and cashed it and never looked back. I was afraid my son would grow up and abuse women. I was afraid that my daughter would learn the pattern of abuse, as well. I got the hell beat out of me for taking that money later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The issues you have faced have refined your character - more than you currently realize.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At the risk of sounding shallow, I would rather have less character AND less pain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Eventually, you will not only help others through similar situations, but you will take part in even preventing similar mistakes from occurring.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This could very well be true. I hope I receive the opportunity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your knowledge may help you in buying a car, or running a large corporation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I actually run a small business now. I hope I don't have to run a large one. It's a real headache sometimes.

Your companionship and support have helped me get through this day. I thank you for that.

Hi, frozen.

quote:
=====================================
I actually run a small business now. I hope I don't have to run a large one. It's a real headache sometimes.
=====================================

And this is another example of a task that simply scares the daylights out of most people. Running a business, large or small, is no easy task. Only the fearless need apply :-)

=====================================
Your companionship and support have helped me get through this day. I thank you for that.
=====================================

The privilege is all mine.

In my youth, there were a number of older folks that saw a potential in me. One of them, called me a "diamond in the rough" in a letter of recommendation for a job that I desperately needed. I landed that job, and it turned out to be the proving ground for my eventual success.

I see the same kind of seed in you.

Keep your heart and face turned toward the Lord. Conduct your life with humility and strength, and hang on for the ride.

Gimble