Okay, well I am ready for Plan B. I have not sent him the letter, (well he hasn't gotten it) but I am ready!
He has not seen the kids in over a month, two months almost.
Well surprise surprise. My phone rings, with a number I am not familiar with. It was WH. He said 'Please don't hang up, can I come see the kids today?' I said 'they are napping' His response 'Well can you call me when they wake up?'
I paused....
I said 'How about we meet at a McDonalds or something, a public area? He said OK.
He asked me to call when I was ready.
He made it clear that he was the only one that was to be there, and if that was not the case I would just keep driving. He agreed.

HELP!?
I know the kids want to see him, and I don't trust him alone with the kids, so this is basically my only option. What to expect? How to react, act?
Thanks!
Danielle

It sounds to me like you are already IN Plan B and you are showing a willingness to violate it. I'd suggest you call the police to ask their advice.
Cherished

I don't know if you've left yet. But...I would NOT be drawn into any relationship discussion. If he wants to discuss your relationship, you can point out that you have no intention of discussing anything personal with him until AFTER he drops OW.

Tell him that you have email for contact, and that you are not interested in telephone contact with him at this time. It's unfair to put you on the spot like that, particularly given the fact that he is not putting any effort into PLANNING visitation. You shouldn't be at his beck and call.

p.s. He probably just wants to WORK you on the issue of dropping the charges against OW.

Sit in another booth while he's visiting with the children. If it were me, I'd remain non-committal on the court date. In fact, if he brought it up in any kind of insistant way, I'd take the kids and go home right there and then.

Yes, let your children see their father. It is very, very important that they have a relationship with him.

And yes, go somewhere else while he's spending time with them. Maybe not far away, but the goal is for him to spend time with them, not with you.

Dani,

See if you can take a friend with you. He can visit his children in a public environment. That will hit hard to a real parent. This maybe just what is needed.

Don't engage in any A, R, M, OW convo. The purpose of this visit is for him to see his children.

You should be cautious and he should realize it. He is trying and you have to give him some credit for that.

I know you are in plan B but you also need to show you are reasonable. He tore up the letter right? So he probably will not adhear to what he refused to read and mediate on.

IMHO, go and let the children visit. Give him his space with the children. You and your friend/ralative c/b nearby. The friend could act as the one who helps move the children from you to him and back again. If you feel strong enough do with them.

Breaking plan B for this type of interaction is fair. Remember if it is your H you w/b seeing, he will miss his family. Shoudl he fog over and morph into the WS, you and your friend have a plan to remove yourself 1st and if it is still dangerous, remove the children.

NOTE: He may have his friends close by also. Also, your support could come from some unusal sources. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> The point is he needs to give the children his time. Let him.

take care,
L.

Take some tissue with you. C/b emotioanlly draining on you also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let us know how you are doing.

Hugz,
L.

I agree with Orchid--take the kids to see their dad. Bring a friend, or go to another booth or even area unless you feel insecure about him alone with them. It WILL be hard on you to see him with them b/c it will remind you of the good times. Try to maintain until you hit the car alone.

I am great for advice, but it was tough when I had to do what you are doing. I knew it was best for my D and the intermediary thing just didn't work--D was very young and needed to see me OK with everything so I would hand her off to WH in person and take her back the same way.

It made my WH realize all that he was missing b/c she would talk about me and say things I say, etc. and he could see she was not in his life like she had been. He knew that there was a possibility he could get all this back, but had to go NC. This is a slow process for some of these WHs so hang in there.

Be very, very pleasant, act as if you have been having an enjoyable time lately and are moving on with your life. You MUST project this and give him NO idea that you miss him, are sad, etc.

This could all work out for the best.

Anne brought out some great points about the chlidren. So they c/b counted among your supporters just by their honest POVs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You c/b accused of filling their minds of things to say. A BS reverse babble retort w/b..... 'I thought you always our children were intelligent and spoke their mind, at least that's what I see at home.' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Phew. Thank you all for the advice. I did get to read most of it before we left, but I didn't have a chance to reply.
I have to say the visit went really well considering all of the nerves I had running through me.

I told WH that I would call him when the kids woke up, but before I got the chance, he called me back. He said 'Are they up yet?' I said 'Yes I just am busy getting them dressed and stuff' He said 'Ok, I just miss them' I told him I would leave in a few minutes and meet him there.
We got to McDonalds and waited in my car until he arrived. I hadn't told the kids he was coming, because IF he didn't show up I didn't want them to be disappointed. We sat in the car for about 5 minutes and then he pulled up. He saw us, got out of our truck and came over. DS unbuckled and got out of his seat and WH opened my car door and sat in the passenger seat. DS and DD climbed into his lap and he started talking to them about how he missed them and loved them etc. DD was awed by MOMMY TRUCK!!! (I couldn't help but laugh)
So we sat there for a minute, with him in the passenger seat and the kids on his lap playing with his face and stealing his hat. Then DS said 'LETS GO IN!'
WH said ok, and I followed them in.
WH and the kids went into the play area and I ordered a fry for the kids.
I brought the fry in and sat at a table in the playarea. WH and the kids were running around climbing on the play thing. I just sat there reading a book that I had brought. The kids came over every once in a while to get fries, and back playing they went. WH did not talk to me at all.
After about 30 minutes they all came and sat down at the table and were eating the fries. I continued to read the book. WH asked me what pictures I had in my locket and I answered 'I haven't changed them in a year'.
He looked at my wedding ring and just nodded like he noticed it.
Then he took some of DS crayons that he brought in his backpack and was drawing pictures with them. I moved to another table, in a polite way.
After a bit he got the kids jackets on and said 'Well, they are getting antsy, and I know you have a party to go to, so I will help get them to the car'. I just stood up and followed them out. He buckled them in their car seats, gave them a kiss and told them that 'Daddy had to go back to his space ship now' ( I laughed inside when he said that. He knows I refer to him as an alien sometimes ) He said he liked my car and that I did a good job picking it out. Then he said that he would like to meet at places like this to see the kids more often. I said okay and drove off.
There were several times during the visit that he looked over at me. You could tell he noticed how good I looked. ( I have lost 45 lbs ). The fact that he noticed my ring, and asked about my locket surprised me.

Anyhow, I give him credit...
He called to visit the kids W/O me asking. That is the FIRST TIME since he moved out that this has happened. (6 months)
When I was taking a long time to call him back he called me to check on the kids coming.
He DID NOT mention OW OR the OWs trial.
NO WH talk...
I am shocked, and joyed by the fact that the kids got to see THEIR DAD, not the alien that lives in his body.
When he drove off I started crying. He seemed himself...yet he was leaving to be with OW. That was hard to see...
I wanted to say 'Follow me home?'
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Danielle

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 07:34 AM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

bump
^

Danielle, you did great! {{}} hugs for you.

Dani,

Glad the visit went well. More happy that it happened without incident.

For now, just keep a watchful eye. It is still too early to tell how much this impacted him or not.

But this c/b the beginning of the end of the A. Maybe.

Moments like these are where you can cause the WS and OP to LB each other because when it goes well with the BS and family, the A people don't like it. When the spouse comes out to visit his family, the WS and OP don't like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You don't have to do much except continue caring for your family (I know this is hard job all by itself). Keep moving forward. There w/b down times ahead....know it and you w/b surprised less.

You and the children did fine. Quite proud of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Dani,
Kudos to you! You are amazing! Just exactly what you need to do. Sweetie, this race is for the marathoners, not the sprinters. I am betting heavy odds the OW is NOT a marathoner. You present your best self, kind of bit of Plan A when you must interact like this. Keep doing things for yourself, getting stronger within yourself and moving on with your life. Keep up the introspection about yourself and how you can keep improving as a woman and a wife. We ALL can stand improvement!

Very, very soon you will feel a whole lot better and their R isn't going to be going so well. Either way, you are going to be happier.

FF, Orchid, Anne,
Thank you for the encouragement. I am very happy and grateful for the visit that our children were able to have. Near the end of the visit WH came to me and said 'Our babies love ketchup huh?' Just said 'yep'.
That is sticking in my head. OUR babies..........he almost said it like he wanted me to respond to him. This is supposed to be my family.....the four of us.

When he packed up his things the last time and left, he picked up a shirt and said 'I was wearing this when I met OW.' That was 3 months ago. He was wearing that shirt. Then again, he doesn't have many clothes with him, and it is a nice shirt. It might mean nothing, it might mean something. Then again, I need to give up trying to figure him out, it is impossible. I didn't comment on it.

This is day two with no contact. I had gotten used to talking to him everyday last week. I miss my husband, especially when he shows me a glimpse of him every so often, in between the WH appearances.

I have these odd feelings...but I have seen a couple people on MB say similar things lately.
I want OW and WH to fight, I want them to fall, fail, etc. I miss my husband, I pray and hope that we can work on our R one day and have a great marriage. In the event that this is impossible, I really don't want them to work things out. I hope this makes SOME sense...although I can't type it out the way I feel very well.

I am just sad today. I get lonely. I want to have so much fun with my husband. I want to go out to dinner, snuggle, etc. I just get like this sometimes...YUCK!
Danielle

I just checked my e-mail and got an e-mail from WH. It reads 'are you at your desk?'

Do I reply with 'yes'

Or delete it?

Or reply with 'is there an important issue that you need to discuss?'

He knows about Plan B, but I have let my plan down for a week now, and he didn't get the second letter yet, probably tomorrow.

Danielle

Okay, so I screwed up. What's new though?

I didn't reply to his e-mail. About an hour or so later he calls.
I answer

He says 'Did you get your e-mail?'
I reply 'Yes'
Him 'Well can you front me some money until the 15th?'
Me 'No'
Him 'Not even if I pay you back on the 15th? Whatever Danielle.'
Me 'Have you gotten any mail on the ship?'
Him 'No, it takes a while to get here, why?'
Me 'Well okay, No, I can't lend you money to support your affair'
Him 'Whatever, she had to pay for her bail and I had to pay car insurance so we have no money'
Me 'Sorry I am your wife, not the bank'
Click

Okay, LB I know, but ERRR I GET SO MAD!
Can I borrow money so my lover and I can go to dinner? That is what I HEAR when he says can you front me money.
ERRR
Danielle

Danielle, I am hoping you decided to NOT email him back.
Whether you dropped the plan this week or not, you are in the process of reasserting yourself. Start each day like the first day.

He's playing you, I can see it clearly. He's going to act super nice and when he doesnt get his way, out pounces the nasty WH.

If you need to, email me at (HAH! its a secret!) Let me know when you get this so I can remove it.

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: mojodiva ]</small>

Got it, thanks!
Danielle

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

You did just fine- except from this point forward, do NOT take his calls. Do you have caller id?