I am new to the site. I have been having an affair with the same person for almost 4 years. I have often tried to break it off and it seems impossible. The other man calls constantly and won't take no for an answer. My husband and I have inflicted so much pain on eachother! I know that I am addicted to the other man. I want to save my marriage--we have 3 beautiful children. I don't want this life of secrecy and shame--it truly is against everything that I am/have been. It has been like this separate side to me that I have locked away in a box and put on a shelf.
I will try to make a long story short--so afraid of judgement.
Me 33
Husband 34
OM 34 never married, numerous affairs in past
Married 10 yrs
3 kids 4,6,8
My parents married 35 yrs
Husbands divorced when he was 8
Both dads cheated numerous times

Me at 18 caught dad having affair, went to no one after dad denied it, had been previously extremely close to dad
Me at 21 met husband in college, dad was just admitting to being an alcoholic, declaring bankruptcy, and continuing affairs
My husband provided huge security--financial and emotional--thought he was perfect
Married at 24 and got pregnant 3 months later
Husband became very verbally abusive
Summer of 2001 At 7 yrs of marriage just after finished nursing my 3rd child I met other man--personal trainer
Became very attracted to him and told husband--MY HUSBAND BEGAN TO FANTASIZE ABOUT IT AND ENCOURAGE IT
Sept 2001 I had a one night stand with trainer
then tried to stay away
Jan-Feb 2002 began EA
FEb 2002 the 3 of us went out and afterwards my husband initiated a night where he watched me have sex with OM, I hated myself! Did not fight my lust for him, but I did protest
MAR 2002 told my husband I was in love with other man and told my family whole saga
entered therapy and filed for divorce
JUNE 2002 husband and I decided to move to my hometown away from OM and his dysfunctional family
JULY 2002 entered therapy, much focus on that night and the affair but not nearly enough on what preceded affair
SEPT 2002 Husband admitted to having a one night stand in early 2000 which he says is part of why he encouraged my affair at first
We have been in Bible studies, counseling and church
I trust no one and I want to end affair. Obviously I wonder if I should be with either man. My husband does want to work things out but he is now the "victim" since I continued the affair and have lied so much
I am tired of lying and neither my husband nor I are as bad as we sound. My husband has tried to make amends, but he has an air of superiority that just gets to me.
I WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE IF IT CAN BECOME A GOOD ONE, BUT SOMETIMES ALL OF THE DESTRUCTION JUST LEADS ME BACK TO THE OPEN ARMS OF THE OM-who calls and comes to town and begs me to be with him
I KNOW THAT I AM WRONG TO HAVE HAD AN AFFAIR AND I HAVE TO STOP THE SECRET LIFE REGARDLESS OF ANYTHING ELSE

Hello and welcome. You are in a tough place. Affairs are very addictive. You are so smart to want to save your marriage. Read the general welcome and start with surviving the affair by Dr Harley. You will gain insight into what is happening to you. You will discover why it happened, why you feel this way now and what to do. In a nut shell, there must be no contact ever...ever again with the OM. You can never be just friends. You crossed the line together and there is no going back. Good luck!

Welcome. You should be proud that you are taking a step in the right direction. Unless you give your marriage 100% and go through the necessary withdrawal from the other man, you'll always wonder what might have been. You may want to read the book "After the Affair," which is really helpful from the perspective of the betrayed spouse, the betraying spouse, and the affair partner. There are specific exercises that may help you with your husband as you begin recovery. Also, check out the Save Your Marriage Central web site that was founded by Penny Tupy. There's a specific private page called the Reclamation Page for people who are in just your position. Best of luck... we're rooting for you! L.

Ending affairs is similar to ending drug addictions....and withdrawal is a hard but necessary part of the process. You say you moved away from the OM...so how are you continuing contact? Those are the things you need to zero in on.

Here are some reasonable steps to achieve no contact:

Write a formal no contact letter to OM. There are examples on this site...if you need it, let us know.

Use extraordinary precautions to avoid OM:
*change your cell phone number
*block his email address and IM addy
*throw away all correspondence, pictures or mementos.
*get an accountability partner who you can call when weak.
*give your husband complete accountability about where you spend all of your time and money.
*start spending at least 15 hours a week of undivided time with your spouse.
*during withdrawal, try and change your location, visit family, go on a vacation if possible.
*go on a religious retreat.
*get good marriage counseling to work on the vulnerabilities in your marriage.
*ask for help from the friends, family or clergy who support your marriage.
*replace your dependence on OM with healthier habits like hobbies, classes, or other creative endeavors.
*if you slip up, tell your husband immediately and recommit and redouble your efforts.

Best of Luck to you and welcome to MB.

I have ended the affair before and we have gone for periods of time not talking. The OM lives in another state and he has come to my town to see me about once every 6 weeks to 2 months.
I just sent an email to my husband and OM telling them both that I was going to be honest to whoever loves me about the affair and that I did not want to live a secret double life anymore. I told them both that I want to get my life back together and live an authentic life. I then went on to briefly write the extent of the affair and to tell the OM NOT to contact me. I have used the OM as a crutch for so long esp when my husband and I are not getting along. My husband is staying in a hotel and I think that it will be easier to end my affair without him around. What should I do next? My feeling is that I should not try to have much contact with my husband until I go 2 weeks without talking to the OM.

Spending time with your husband should help rather than hinder your will power....are you trying to protect him?

I need advice on how to proceed with my husband. He is staying in a hotel right now. I emailed the OM and my husband telling the OM not to contact me and I told my husband the truth about the affair. Should my husband and I stay living apart? I know that my husband wants to try and work things out but he is tired of being a pushover. I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards him and we have a TON of work to do on our marriage for it to work out. I have an appt with a Christian counselor on WEd.

I need advice on how to proceed with my husband. He is staying in a hotel right now. I emailed the OM and my husband telling the OM not to contact me and I told my husband the truth about the affair. Should my husband and I stay living apart? I know that my husband wants to try and work things out but he is tired of being a pushover. I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards him and we have a TON of work to do on our marriage for it to work out. I have an appt with a Christian counselor on WEd.

I need advice on how to proceed with my husband. He is staying in a hotel right now. I emailed the OM and my husband telling the OM not to contact me and I told my husband the truth about the affair. Should my husband and I stay living apart? I know that my husband wants to try and work things out but he is tired of being a pushover. I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards him and we have a TON of work to do on our marriage for it to work out. I have an appt with a Christian counselor on WEd.

I need advice on how to proceed with my husband. He is staying in a hotel right now. I emailed the OM and my husband telling the OM not to contact me and I told my husband the truth about the affair. Should my husband and I stay living apart? I know that my husband wants to try and work things out but he is tired of being a pushover. I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards him and we have a TON of work to do on our marriage for it to work out. I have an appt with a Christian counselor on WEd.

S&R

Welcome to MB, this is a great site to rebuild your M. However, if you are not here to seriously rebuild, the wise heads will see right through you and 2x4 your a$$!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First step, STOP CONFLICT AVOIDING!!!!!!!!!!

I'm assuming your H does not know.

1. TELL HIM, he will hold you accountable for sure.

2. NO CONTACT LETTER!!!

3. CHANGE YOUR #'s

Time to pay the worldly consequences of your choice to have an A. You need to start by telling your H.

You need to READ as much as you can to figure out the Why's to your A.

NC is a must. This man is poisen to you and your M. Stop being polite, he calls, hang up, and change your # again. Say nothing, hang up. You will then not know when he is in your state.

There are lots of good NC letters, they say it all. Post it, and we can go through it with you if you like.

You need to do somethings first, take some action, before you can start to recovery your M.

You have proven you can not end this by yourself, tell your H, he will help you. I had to do that to get out of mine. Mine lasted 5 months, and 3 of them, I was trying to end it.

Take control of your situation.

I will support you and guide you in any way that I possible can.

Make a written plan.

KY

S&R

Welcome to MB, this is a great site to rebuild your M. However, if you are not here to seriously rebuild, the wise heads will see right through you and 2x4 your a$$!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First step, STOP CONFLICT AVOIDING!!!!!!!!!!

I'm assuming your H does not know.

1. TELL HIM, he will hold you accountable for sure.

2. NO CONTACT LETTER!!!

3. CHANGE YOUR #'s

Time to pay the worldly consequences of your choice to have an A. You need to start by telling your H.

You need to READ as much as you can to figure out the Why's to your A.

NC is a must. This man is poisen to you and your M. Stop being polite, he calls, hang up, and change your # again. Say nothing, hang up. You will then not know when he is in your state.

There are lots of good NC letters, they say it all. Post it, and we can go through it with you if you like.

You need to do somethings first, take some action, before you can start to recovery your M.

You have proven you can not end this by yourself, tell your H, he will help you. I had to do that to get out of mine. Mine lasted 5 months, and 3 of them, I was trying to end it.

Take control of your situation.

I will support you and guide you in any way that I possible can.

Make a written plan.

KY

S&R,

Call your H and ask him to come home. He may not want to right now as he is deeply hurt. I would like to recommend two books to you. You can get them here, Barnes and Nobles and other books stores.

The books are Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs by Harley.

I would strongly suggest that you address your anger. You may not realize this but anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as fear, pain, frustration, etc. You have been having an affair through much of your marriage in cluding when two of your children.

It is unlikely that during this period you have done much to meet your H's needs, nor have you been a particularly good W. So I would like to suggest that IF you want this marriage to be rebuilt, you need to consider "forgiving" your H for his failures and start to understand why you are so angry.

It is often the case that the WS will feel anger toward the BS as a defense mechanism to justify the A. It is also very often true that the WS rewrites history to justify the A. If you truely want to end this A, you need to really sit down and reevaluate everything. Look at wedding pictures, your children, the people you hold dear and see if YOU can start to see how you have rewritten history.

I have no doubt that your H was no Saint, but I do doubt that he was a monster either. So you need to stop with the judgements and start to really consider things. You will also go through withdrawal very much like a drug addict. It will last awhile as your H is so long term. It will be painful, but oddly enough the person that can help you the most and get you through it is the person you have hurt the most...your H.

He can help IF you are honest with him and you let him. There are a variety of articles on this site that will help you. Please read about the Policy of "radical honesty" and the policy of joint agreement, POJA. Then read about love busters, and needs.

You can do this, but it will be a tough road. Your alternatives are not very attractive either.

I am sure your H is crushed to find this out. I am also sure that he may not react as well as everyone would like. You could send him here for help if you like.

You can do this but it is going to take time and work. It is not for wimps. So if you want to rebuild the marriage call your H and talk to him. If he is not ready to come home, give him time. You don't know this yet, but you NEED him to recover. Even if the marriage fails because of this, you need him to set yourself at ease that you have done ALL you can do to keep this family together.

Your marriage can be rebuilt. It can survive this, but it will require time and patience coupled with a lot of communications and sharing.

God Bless,

JL

He won't come home. He does not want to help me end the affair. I have not spoken to the OM in 5 days. Is it bad for our marriage and our recovery for him to be away right now? Our M has so many problems that we need to work on. My first priority is NC with OM.

I'm an expert at breaking it off with OP--I did it five times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Maintain NC with OM. Go to counseling.

Here is the deal:

You may or may not be able to reconcile with your H. Some Ms don't survive. That is just the reality.

But, OM is not the solution to your problems. So, he has to got to get out of your life. Your life will be better off without him.

You have to get a support structure in place to help you deal with your needs. It would be best if your H is willing to help you, but, if not, then go to counseling yourself, tell your friends and family, GET HELP.

You are right, the OM is not the solution to my problems. It is amazing how I feel like an alcoholic wanting a drink. I do care for the OM and I know that I have hurt him.
My H and I bicker so much and of course now, it is really bad. He is angry and justifying his mean treatment of me and I dont know how to react. Should I stay away or just quietly take it or what? He has always verbally abused me, and now he can justify it because what I have done is worse. He makes me feel so badly about myself. I am feeling very sorry for myself. I guess a lot of times affairs help keep you from the realities of problems in your marriage.
My H is getting an apt with a 3 mon lease and he says he loves me and wants to make things work. Any advice?

Okay,

One note I had with your last post...

I dont care if you had an affair or not, you do not deserve verbal abuse. I forget whose thread it is on here, but they have a great response of a FWS to their BS who is still giving them a hard time about the affair. Basically it says that "I am here. I cannot change the past, but I am here working on this marriage. I am sorry for the things I have done and I know I have hurt you greatly...and I have asked for your forgiveness. I am here now to make amends and to work on this marriage so we can get back on track. but buddy, I do not deserve how yo uare treating me and I will not put up with it. I am your wife and I deserve your love and respect. If you want this marriage, than you are going to have to stop this. Because there is no way we can get where we want to be as long as you continue."

set boundaries. I know the feeling a BS has about getting back at the WS. But it is not right...and should not be condoned.

In His arms.