I started reading His Needs Her Needs again. Lately on here, there has been a lot of talk in regards to communicating. Whether it's he/she doesn't talk to me, or they don't listen to me. It's been coming up more and more lately.

I know I have had to stop and ask myself, how safe am I to talk to? Honestly, not very safe at all.

In HNHN Harley identified enemies and friends of conversation.

ENEMIES:

1. Using conversation to get your way at your spouse's expense.
How often do we "request" something when in reality it is a demand? Demanding things destroys your spouse's love for us. No matter how many reasons we have to prove what we want is right, if our spouse isn't enthusiastic about it, and we force it on them, it's a demand. Nobody likes being demanded to do anything. Maybe it worked one time. In the future, your spouse is going to be prepared for the demand, and less likely to negotiate with you.

2. Using conversation to punish each other.
Do you know the one thing to say to push your spouses buttons? Do you use it when you aren't getting your way? How many times have you been talking with your spouse, and not getting what you want, so you say the one thing to make them angry. Why not, if you can't get what you want, you might as well have them mad also right?

3. Using conversation to force agreement to your way of thinking.
Are you not satisified unless your spouse agrees with you? Do you insist they share your opinion? Are you unable to walk away from a coversation unless you hear, "You are right"?

4. Dwelling on mistakes, past or present.
If your spouse tells you something in regards to yourself, do you get upset, try to defend yourself? Maybe even go tit for tat with them? If your spouse tells you that you are irritating, do you get angry, maybe try to put them down also? According to Harley, if your spouse tells you something about your behavior, it should be accepted at face value. After all, they know how your behavior makes them feel.

The Friends of Coversation are the things we need to work on. These are the things to make communicating with us safe.

1. Develop interest in each others favorite topic of conversation
So many spouses say but they don't talk to me. Maybe we need to find someting of interest to talk to your spouse about.

2. Balancing the Conversation
Do you monopolize the conversation? Do you allow your spouse to complete their thoughts before you begin speaking? DO you allow them time to gather their thoughts before speaking? Make sure that both of you are given equal time to speak.

3. Using conversation to inform, investigate and understand your spouse.
Inform each other in regards to personal interest and activities. Make sure your spouse is aware of what you are doing. Your life should not be a secret.
Investigate one anothers feelings and attitudes. Remain respectful and sensitive.
Understand each others motivation in life.

quote:
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One of the most important ways for you to care for your spouse is to change your behavior to promote pleasure and avoid pain for your spouse.
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4. Give each other undivided attention.
15 hours a week of undivided time is suggested. This isn't time spent talking while watching sports or knitting. This is one on one time, talking engaging with each other.

Every time we say our spouse isn't talking to us, I believe we should stop and look, just how safe are we to talk to.

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: neverenough ]</small>

Excellent post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Great reminder for those of us who have read HN/HN. What I'm dealing with, is how long is to long. I don't want to brush the A under the rug.It is something I need to talk about to move on, but I am killing her with love and not bringing it up at all. so nothing is getting dealt with.I know I am early on in this whole mess, but,what do I do if she is never ready to discuss A? I don't want to be a doormat!!!I am really trying to help her feel I am here for her/us. Patience, I know. just real hard most days.

Hmmmm maybe I should bust the HN/HN book back out, eh? I was kinda reserving it for reconciliation...but I guess it'd be a good idea to read now, eh?

-Caren

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

Caren~

I definately think it's a good idea to read now. I hadn't read it in I don't know how long, thinking I know all that stuff.. Yeah right lol. I KNOW it, but I don't practice it.

It's definately helping me stop and think a bit more when talking with dh.

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

just copy it then paste it to the new thread. You can then edit your post here and delete it.

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: hurtnheart ]</small>

~left click and drag over the text
~right click and move to copy
~ left click copy

go back to the thread you want to paste it in and then

~right click
~move to paste
~right click paste