Hey guys,

You know I am 8 weeks into recovery and we are having a fantastic recovery - we are in love and have the same goal and we have amazing good days. The bad days of course are tougher to deal with and usually revolve around H's fears and struggles - which I am not complaining about as he only has these fears due to my poor choices.

But this leads me to want to discuss what the WS's biggest fears are. I have touched base with Sprint on my fears, but I am not sure if I have ever elaborated on them, so this is for him as well. I am poor sometimes at speaking using the correct words, and writing can be easier for me.

So...ws's I would love to hear your fears as well...

Now for mine.

1. I know H loves me with all his heart. I know his goal is the same as mine - a happy strong healthy marriage. But he struggles on his down days with his trust in me and his faith in me. He never doubts my love for him or my commitment, but worries more about my chances of repeating the same mistake. This in leads me to my largest fear...what if 1, 2, 3, 5...years down the road he still has this many down days. I know many of you Bs's still do. What if I recover completely, continue to meet all his EN, and still he can't heal from the pain I caused him. During his down days, we have some moments of good...but during this time, my biggest EN - affection, goes unmet. He avoids looking at me, he avoids contact and conversation with me, until a good moment. At the moment, I am okay with this as I know this is all caused by me...and I will be okay with it for as long as it takes...but if the down days are still as many 5 years down the road, will i still be so optimistic? Will my EN that are met on good days be enough? This is my biggest fear.

2. Another fear I have is that with my whole recovery, with meeting all his EN, that if he has enough down days, and it effects him enough over the years, will he eventually leave- not out of lack of love, but just the inability to ever look at me the same way he used to. Sprint is the love of my life, I don't want to loose him, I dont want to start over with someone else - I only want to start over with him. This man has always encouraged me to be better, to challenge myself...when I thought I was of average smarts and would give up on things, he would show me how intellegent I am, and encourage me to learn and grown and accomplish things. He constantly made me feel safe, beautiful, loved. He is the man I want to be with, and due to circumstance that evolved I got in a position that allowed me to make a VERY poor choice and now I may one day loose this man. This terrifies me.

3. Relapse. Now let me give you some detail. Last year Sprint was going through a rough time in business and spent alot of time with his partner in business. I had 3 surgeries in 6 months. An appendectomy in Feb, a breast reduction in April and a full hysterectomy due to prolapse as well as pelvic reconstruction in June. Each of these surgeries, due to Sprint's business I went through alone. After each surgery I built up resentment for Sprint and even started pushing his buttons. I became cruel, and critizing, etc. With the last surgery - even though I kept my ovaries, I became moody, and now I know I also became depressed with the hormone changes.

While depressed I started to wonder if Sprint loved me due to his lack of support (which was there - it was my resentment that CLOUDED my vision) and eventually led me to believe that I never truly loved him and marrying him was a mistake. I did this because all the resentment I was carrying and the constant battles I was picking with him, I started to ONLY see negatives in our marriage. I couldn't see any of the good times or positives. Now I meet the OM...and well - you know what happens next.

My worries for relapse are, what if all the right conditions arise again and I make this mistake again.

In my heart and soul I know I never will, as I will have this time as a reminder always...but I can't be stupid and naive and beleive it could never happen again. I am making changes to who I am as a human being. Changing my need for affection and admiration when I am blue (when I am very low on myself I seek attention...not trying to fix it on my own) I am working on my self esteem, self confidence and trying to develope good solid morals in ALL aspects of my life. I am also including God now in all aspects of my life as well. I am making sure I have a good support group around me so that I am never afraid to talk again - the biggest part of the support in that of my husbands...I have never been so honest with him, and it's so important for me to remain that way with him.

But what if all the conditions arise again...lets say Sprint becomes emotionally unavailable to me for some reason, and I have surgery or trauma again of some sort, and I let my emotions get the best of me...will I be able to make the right choices??? I believe I will - but it's still a fear I have.

Anyhow - if you made it this far thanks for reading lol

-ds

DS, you are only 8 weeks into recovery and doing so well.

I'm a year and a half into recovery and those fears do go with time.

The biggest fear I have, like you, is that when things are back to normal everything will revert to the way it was.

But I've found over the last year and a half we are so careful to meet each other's needs and protect our marriage that it just won't happen like that again. We'll never let ourselves get to that point.

Relapse. That's why NC is so important. I met the OM again after a year a couple of weeks ago (accidentally) and I've done so much work on my m and was so vigilant that there was no chance of a relapse. I've promised Rob (my H) that I will tell him any time there is any contact of any sort and that's what I did.

Sprint sounds like the sort of guy who will work very hard to make your m work and so do you. It's constant vigilance that works and the all encompassing desire to never have infidelity affect your lives again.

Jen (much, much older than you LOL)

My first fear wasn't meant to come accross as a I will eventually leave one day if he can't get over this.

This was a fear on how I will cope if things are like this for a very very long time...

I know things will change from how they are...but it's still a fear.

H is having a hard time with that first fear of mine. He feels that it's an indication that I will leave in time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> because I had an A once before and that's leaving, so why wouldn't I do it again and just leave this time.

The biggest reason? I love him with all my heart, this was a mistake (the A) and a mistake that will always carry big concequences, I won't ever forget those concequences, that on the good days I see the HUGE effort he is making into changing our marriage for me, and I will never forget to keep up my effort in the marriage. I took too much for granted before.

Anyways - thanks for letting me ramble some more.

My biggest fear right now is that the nightmares won't stop. Things are so good, but the nightmares haven't quit coming. I'd give my left big toe right now for a good night's sleep with happy dreams.

Him having an affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another fear I have is that with my whole recovery, with meeting all his EN, that if he has enough down days, and it effects him enough over the years, will he eventually leave- not out of lack of love, but just the inability to ever look at me the same way he used to.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I fear this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I fear my H, years from now, will think, why did I bother. You cheated on me, and I stayed, WHY? I fear I will disgust him once the pain fades away. Right now, he is holding on for dear life, because he loves me, and because he is insecure. What happens when he feels secure again. What will he be thinking then? I fear he will leave me one day because of the affair.

KY

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]</small>

Hi deeplysorry and Kiwi,

I’m 2 ½ years past d-day. My H and I agreed right after d-day that there would be a limit on how long either one of us could stay in the M if it didn’t get better. We didn’t put a date on how long we would try, but just knew that there was the possibility that either one of us could get to the point where we couldn’t take it anymore.

We have both come perilously close to reaching our limits on different occasions, but managed to keep hanging on. Our dependence on God is what has pulled us through those times. The best way to keep from fearing the future is to determine that you will live only one day at a time.

Deal with today’s feelings and circumstances today. There’s no way to predict how you will feel down the road. All you can do is keep doing your best to become the best person you can be (for God, yourself; for your H, your family, etc).

As far as being tempted by FOM again goes, there had to come a point for me (it happened several months after d-day) that I realized that I wanted to do the right thing NO MATTER HOW MY H ACTED. The A was wrong NO MATTER WHAT.

Even if my H gets in a bad mood, stays out late and doesn’t call, looks at another woman, never fills my needs again, or whatever - I must CHOOSE to DO THE RIGHT THING.

My grandmother used to say, “Keep your own nose clean.” That’s all I can do – “keep my own nose clean,” or, in other words, control my own behavior.

My H and I have slipped back into old patterns of the way we treat each other. Eventually, recent day-to-day events begin to demand attention, and life really does go on. In a way, it's good that the immediate effects of the major crisis are not always present (although we still have triggers that can put us back to what feels a lot like d-day).

It's also a bummer, though, that we can turn back into our "real selves" (lol) and get sloppy about filling EN's, or even caring to. All I know to do is take a deep breath, look upward and inward, and keep trying.

Dealan-de,

I believe you are a BS, but from a WS point of view, I can agree with you that nightmares are the worst. My nightmares (waking up screaming) and migraines are back after a year or so of relief.

The worst part is that it seems like we really can’t control what our brains do when we’re asleep. Some people suggest not to eat before bedtime, don’t watch scary or intense movies, and to think about something pleasant before going to sleep (comforting songs, scriptures, or prayers).

The other night, I just finally prayed, “God, it would be so cool if I could get a complete night’s sleep without a nightmare. PLEEEZ.” It kind of worked. I didn't wake up screaming, just mildly disturbed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

God bless,

Rose

Can you guys look for my post here in GQ II and give me advice? I have a complicated situation and I am trying to figure things out for myself. First and foremost, I am trying not to talk to the OM. It is difficult b/c he calls constantly and he was my best friend. I am being strong and staying busy. I still love him and miss him but I have been trying to break up with him for months. Of course, b/c its a dysfunctional relationship we have "broken up" and gotten back together millions of times. My husband is staying in a hotel and I need advice on how to proceed.

this is a good topic. i can relate to a lot of fears posted here. if i were to answer prior to reading the responses i would have said that our marriage would only heal on the surface and we would end up still very seperate.

while reading rose's post (HI ROSE!!!), i thought of a bible verse, i have no idea where in the bible!, that says, and i paraphrase, worry about today only, tommorow will come with it's own worries. i think the thing is, if you put too much time into worrying about tommorow, you are not able to put that energy into today. and in fact you may end up causing your fears of tommorow to come true.

FLT2M:

I just wanted to say "HI!" back! Hope you are hanging in there.

God bless,

Rose

I am, thanks Rose. and as to Not hijack this thread... go here Hi Rose55

i will never think that i'm really the one he wants...

i will never find forgiveness for me...

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 10:18 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>

My biggest fears, wow, thats a mild topic for a Tuesday afternoon. Since today is a not such a good day for me, maybe its time to give them a name:

- that I really am a pathetic, terrible person who hurts people that I love
- that I am not worthy of love or forgiveness, and nothing I do is going to change that

that just about covers it.

{{{{{SMUR}}}}

those are lies satan wants you to believe. it is not truths. you are a person that made a mistake, like so many of us here. but boy, can i relate to your feelings!!!!!