I went to visit my WW tonight to make copies of stuff and get back some files she took...

We had a decent conversation, and, of course, all she wanted to do was to talk about how hurt she was during the M, etc, etc. Every time she started down that road, I stopped her abruptly and told her that we would not discuss those things at all right now, that the only two issues that were open for any type of discussion were the A that she was having and the D that she filed. I would not allow her to try to justify any of her recent actions by discussing her pain. I told her that those first two issues had to be completely resolved before I would even consider discussion of the problems in our M.

Was that too cutthroat?

I left the PBL in her car, along with a single rose, just to show her that I still did care. I hope she found it already, but if not, by tomorrow morning. My only concern is that somehow the OM might find it, and throw it away, and never tell her about it....maybe I should call her and tell her to look in her car....


TM

TM,

Maybe you should. You could have given it to her. As for your statements, I think you did well. I suspect her "hurt" has a lot to do with justifying what she is doing now. But, of course she doesn't remember the things you did FOR her does she?

Call her, and tell her to get the letter and it will explain everything, and then close with an ILY. It will be your last for awhile.

I think now is the time because you don't need to hear all of this stuff right now. Plan B will protect you even if this ends in D as she has planned.

God Bless,

JL

Guys, not my thread, but I'm debating w/myself over plan B. I am about at my wits end. WW came over tonight, got more of her clothes, including her sexiest nighty and showed me, saying "I'm gonna have a great night" or some such crap. JL, you said I'd know when to do my PBL. She is doing the same thing as TM suffers - everything is about how I hurt her, how I cause all the problems. And I have kids to worry about. When does the time come?

David

David -

I wish I was more of a pro at this, I could give you a better answer to that question. I had to do it - she filed on me. There wasn't a question for me of "when", more like "if". I thought maybe I should just quit, and move on....with no kids to harm, it was a much easier conclusion to come to.

If you think you have done a decent plan A, or at least tried to, and if you think that there is very little love left in your heart for your WW, then definately go to Plan B. It is for your protection. If you think you can bury the hurt, keep from LB'ing, and come here to let it all out, then I would say wait. The longer she can see what she will be losing once you take yourself out of the picture, the better.

Again, I am just a MB infant here, but I was forced to "grow up" fast.....seems like a pattern in my life....

TM

Oh -

I just called my WW and told her about the letter, and ended with one last ILY as per JL. So now I am sure she will read it soon.

Thanks, JL...

TM

Hi TM -

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I am just a MB infant here, but I was forced to "grow up" fast.....seems like a pattern in my life....

TM </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know what you mean. Seems like I don't learn anything except thru the hardest possible lessons. Sometimes I am scared to pray that God help me thru something because I know the lesson to come is going to be really, really hard.

Gentlemen,

I want to remind you of the impure gold ring. The impure gold ring is still a ring and does it's duty, but it tarnishes easy and is soft enough that it wears away. At some point, the goldsmith is going to say, "Time to purify this impure gold ring."

The gold ring is put into the fire. Now, this is just my personal opinion, but I suspect that being in a fire HURTS!!! Furthermore, the impure gold ring entirely melts, loses it's shape, and becomes nothing but a puddle of goo. Undoubtedly the ring thinks it has lost it's identity, lost it's value, and now it is useless.

But in the hands of the loving goldsmith, the gold is PURIFIED and re-shaped into an even more beautiful and valuable ring! Now, the ring is completely new, completely pure, and of great value. But it had to endure the fire and endure the pain of losing itself to become what it is today--a PURE gold band.

When you pray for God to help you through this, He does not spare you from going into the fire--He reassures you that He is the master goldsmith and you will be re-made into something new. You still have to go through the fire.


CJ

Hello TM,

Well I guess this is bittersweet. I'm sorry that it has turned to this for you, however I'm glad that you've chosen to move to Plan B to protect yourself. This is great news in that you can completely focus on yourself and your needs. You'll probably be in withdrawl from you WW (although I think you've been 'away' from her for some time right?) but it'll pass. I'll see ya on the other side of the tunnel, both of us better men at the very least!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes I am scared to pray that God help me thru something because I know the lesson to come is going to be really, really hard.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">David, never be afraid to pray!! That is the only thing that has gotten me through my pain. My STBXW, as you already know, absolutely killed me on my Dday. I prayed like I've never prayed before. Although that never brought my STBXW back I'm grateful for how the Lord has helped me. Stay strong David, and may the Lord guide and protect you.

Native

Thank you CJ.

You are rapidly becoming a favorite person. Too bad we don't live in the same city!

"Iron sharpens Iron", Scripture promises.

It's my personal weakness to want to avoid conflict. I know that's why God has put me thru so many wringers. His plan must be to toughten me for something big and tough someday. I still don't have the cajones to face my wife! Don't know what that will take....

My faith never falters. Only my spirit.

This has been the hardest trial yet, and I thought the last one was. LOL!

David

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Thank you Native.

My heart and logic both tell me this will end in disaster, that this marriage will not survive. But I keep on in pure faith - what else is there?

I have to think of my kids, but my desire is my wife. Such a conflict!

Good thing God is in control. I'd really mess things up.

David

David,

Your right, God is in control if you give it too him. That is where you put your faith and hope. In God, not in your WW as she is human and will fail. Trust in him give him your pain. Only God knows what is going to happen in your M, but either way it goes he will make you better for it. As was said earlier, this is a trial by fire that you (me included) are having to deal with now. We will come out better on the other side, if your WW is there with you than that is a bonus.

Native

Pete,

We have completely threadnapped TravellinMan's thread--but in my wisdom and four years here at MB, I will suggest that you do NOT (I repeat NOT) pray to God for patience, for He will surely send you situations in which you have to be patient! heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Now, regarding Plan B, some practical thoughts. Many people are reluctant or hesitant to go into Plan B because at first it appears to "drive the lovers together" or "it gives them permission to carry on their A". Okay...in a way perhaps. But what really happens is that as long as the WS(wayward spouse) has both the BS (betrayed spouse) and the OP (other person) to meet their needs, they have their cake and eat it too. They get ENs #1,2,3 met by BS and #4,5,6 met by OP!! When the BS does a decent Plan A, it is supposed to be for a limited amount of time...it is supposed to be to return to the man or woman they have the potential to be...it is supposed to demonstrate to the WS that the BS has the potential to change and meet the WS's needs...and it is NOT supposed to be Plan Doormat.

However, after a BS has done a decent Plan A and the WS has not ended the A and not chosen to return to the M, then it is time for Plan B. It sounds SOOOO scary and feels soooo counter-intuitive, but it is the wisest thing you can do!! Here's why: when the BS goes into Plan B, they completely end all ENs that they have been meeting for the WS, so now the WS either realizes what has been taken -OR- they have to turn to the OP to completely meet all their needs. Well, what do you THINK is going to happen?? At first they may have a snuggly little lovenest--until the OP's money runs out...or until they can't go to fancy dinners or get expensive gifts anymore...or until someone forgets to pay a bill...or until their lovenest is interrupted with kids or life or bills or housecleaning. Imagine the OP's horror to discover that their "soulmate" is horrible at cleaning the house and is a pig! Or the WS's horror to discover that the OP doesn't really have a JOB--he's just been living off of an insurance scam! Gradually, real life breaks in on the A, and the fantasy fog is interrupted by bad breath, farting in bed, and leaving dishes on the counter. The "soulmate" doesn't look so fantastic when her teeth aren't brushed and her makeup is running down her face...or when he hasn't showered in two days and he's been working for 20 hours a day and is grouchy.

This may be the ONLY chance for some WSs to have real life break in and break the spell of the A. If the BS does not do Plan B, and continues to meet some of the ENs--then the fantasy shell of the A can continue AND the WS always has sort of a safety net to fall back on. Furthermore, the BS's heart is open to continual pain and the LoveBank is continual drained. Plan B pushes the WS into "reality" and shields the BS from losing all love for the WS...but that's only if the BS goes into Plan B before their LoveBank is completely drained.

So think of Plan B as a momma bird pushing her nestling out of the nest. She may love the nestling, but it is in their best interest to learn this life lesson. Same for the WS. The BS may love their WS, but it is in the WS's best interest to learn that the OP and the A can not be the fantasy. Love is tough.


CJ