I am new to this site – and don’t know where to begin.. I am really nervous and am feeling nauseated. My story goes like this..
I married the love of my life, partner and friend of 10 years eight months ago. It was during our year of engagement that my husband had an affair. Both of us were quite close friends with another couple. We knew the boyfriend for many years, but his fiancé was new to the group. My husband and her seemed to get on like a house on fire.. they seemed to have a brother sister relationship and I think this is why I never suspected anything. Then this couple started having problems in their relationship and were thinking of separating.. my husband and I offered our support. He ended up spending a lot of time with the OW after work and sometimes she would phone in the morning and say her car had broken down and ask if my husband could lift her to work. After about 4 months – she decided to move back on her own to her home town some 600km away. My husband and I were under the impression from OWP that the relationship was over, and so invited one of our single friends around for him to meet. They ended up kissing that night – nothing more. The OW found out and claimed that they had not ended their relationship and that my husband and I were family wreckers (as they have a daughter together). She started texting me and telling me that my relationship was a farse and that my fiancé (now husband) was cheating on me. She made a few accusations to which I responded and told her that they were laughable.. she told me that I could continue living in my dream world and that the truth will always prevail. I confronted my fiancé at the time and he admitted to kissing her on two occasions as well as telling of many occasions when she had intimate conversations with him saying that they might as well have sex because she has already “done it†with him in her mind.. It was hard to believe my husband during all this confusion but I did. Based on this information I forgave him and decided to go ahead with the wedding. During these first 8 months of marriage I have asked him on numerous occasions if they had in fact had sex, which he constantly denied.. until last week! I was having a bad week, and something just wasn’t feeling right.. I confronted him again and this time he admitted that the two kisses where in fact +- 5 full sexual encounters of which at least 3 were secretly planned. I am devastated. I feel like I have been cheated into this marriage. I love him so much, and know that I don’t want to leave him. He says he is very remorseful and says that he is prepared to take all steps to right his wrong, counselling etc. He says that marriage is the most sacred commitment and that he will never cheat on me again because of this and the only reason he did was because he was having difficulty accepting that sexually I would be the only woman he was with for the rest of his life… and so when the opportunity presented itself he could not resist. He says that this mistake jolted him into realising that he is satisfied with me and only me for the rest of his life. I just feel how can I believe him when he has lied to me so much and lied to me so that I would marry him – what kind of marriage do we have if it was based on lies?? I feel so terribly alone, as I cannot speak to anyone at the moment. I don’t think I will ever be able to tell my mom or sister or my best friend as I know the consequences – they will never accept him again.. The OW and him have never contacted each other since the blow up… I know that for a fact as our friendship with her ended quite ugly. At the time when I initially confronted him about it – he tried to call her but she refused to take his calls but also sent him text messages saying that she would ruin our marriage and that she would do everything in her power to destroy us as she felt we had destroyed hers. At the time I thought she was just a little crazy, but now it all makes sense. She was angry that my H had rejected her and now her own partner had rejected her. My H assures me that the affair ended prior to the blow up – but I suspect it ended because of the blow up. I don’t know what to believe.
I am worried that I may have been too “forgiving†to my H, it has been very hard to hear and accept all of this but through it I have been very calm. I am worried that he is not taking this seriously. I want to take the necessary steps to moving forward and healing our marriage, but want him to feel the severity of his actions, I know this probably sounds crazy but I want to make him scared, petrified of ever doing this again.. I don’t want it to just be glazed over and I fear this is the way its heading as I am not a very strong person and am too forgiving. Please can anyone over me some advice as to how I make him realise how serious this is. When we have talked this week, he is very apologetic and he keeps asking me if I am okay.. but I feel his actions say otherwise. He has been in such a fantastic mood – almost as if it never happened. I spoke to him last night and told him that he has to be more sensitive to my feelings – this is really hard for me to deal with let alone him grinning from ear to ear and giving me the impression that “well now that I have told her its all ok†because its not! PLEASE HELP!
