I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like an empty shell. I don't know where my husband ends and I begin. I'm completely lost.

Oh NOW. I'm here. I'm listening. Tell me....

You are YOU, dearest. You are funny and kind...

You can email me or call me if you want...it sometimes helps to get it out - just to say those things that are swirling around in your cabaza.

niosgirlatyahoodotcom

- Kimmy

{{NOW}} Are you on AD's? Sorry that I can't remember but too many people to keep track of here. Hon, maybe it is time to pick up that book RH is reading "Passionate Marriage". What you are describing is worked through in that very book. Has RH discussed it with you?

Sorry you are down.

Who do you think you are?
Who do you want to be????
What are you searching for?
Spirituality? Self respect? Significance???
What are you goals???

Just a few questions to get you thinking. I'm here for you, if you need me.

((((((((NOW))))))))
Jelly

Are you still online? I've been trying to call you. Call me.

Why do I feel like I am having to sell my soul to get through this?

NOW, I don't mean to crash this all girl party, hmmm now that I think about it, ah never mind.

I'm not 100% sure what to say but I feel like we can both realte somewhat to each others situation so I wanted to at least give you one of these {{{{NOW}}}} and say hang in there and always remember that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by notonlywords*:
<strong> Why do I feel like I am having to sell my soul to get through this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NOW, I do too, on the other side of the fence.

Perhaps we have to exchange a little soul with our FWS/FBS to recover ? I dunno.

All blessings

{{{NOW}}}

NOW, it is OK to have bad days. It is ok to have days of uncertainty. Pre-A those days would be written off to our moods or PMS but sad days or unhappy days to the BS can be scary. You do not have to sell your soul because of your A. This might be a good time for you to get IC if you are not getting it right now. Someone to safely yell, scream, cry or vent to without fear of hurting RH.

NOW, we love you dear. Please let us know what we can do for you. You have my addy is you need to vent.

I would feel GUILTY venting, screaming, talking to someone without him knowing. It has been made CLEAR to me that it is not alllowed. No secrets, no privacy, no me without him. That is the goddam message I am hearing. I am supposed to be an OPEN BOOK remember? There are no "Yes, buts"....I feel like I cannot be me . I am being asekd to "depend" on him for EVERYTHING, when in fact it was that total dependency that drove me away. It was too scary. I wanted a part of me to still be me without him. And now I feel like I have to give that up for this to work. I don't know which way to turn, where to draw the line....nothing. I looked to him to define me. Then I rebelled. And I don't want to go back to that person I was, but it all looks like that is what I have to do.
If you read my severe reaction to Bob Pure's poat, maybe it will help to understand what I'm talking about.

NOW and RH, this is for both of you:

NOW IC is for you and you alone to work through your issues and give you guidance to help your M. Finding a pro M IC (mine was) would help and perhaps a joint meeting with the counselor to get his/her M perspectives would help RH. Your job right now is to reassure RH and help him feel safe, however, this is RH's job too. Controlling your every move will not help either one of you. I find myself letting go of that need to control my H and know his every move little by little. He has said to me that without a doubt he knows I will never cheat on him again, ergo he trusts me. However, I will never again abuse his trust. I remain an open book, he has acess to all my accounts and is welcome to check up on me. I tell him where I am and who I am with not because he asks but because I want to. You two are doing so well, don't let a few bad days get in the way of your recovery. {{RH/NOW}}

Hi, NOW.

Let me ask a question. Respond if you like.

What would you do differently than your husband, to recover your marriage?

All the best,
Gimble

NOW, talk to RH. VENT like He!! to him. You can be angry, it is okay, just still be respectful.

Your feelings are your feelings. Validate them by telling him. This is how I feel when.....

Express yourself. You will feel so much better.

There is no need for secrets in a M, personal privacy, I still struggle with that a bit myself. I like to have conversation without my H, I like to write personal emails that I would rather he not read, but you know what, I can't, because he still does not trust me. When I chose the A, I lost that priveledge of privacy.

I will give up all my privacy for the rest of my life, if I get to keep this wonderful forgiving man that I love so much and whom loves me. No amount of privacy is worth me losing him.

I've said many times, ST is up my butt and out my nose since DDAY. I still crave to be alone, I still want me time, but he isn't comfortable just yet, so I'll wait, I need him to feel secure.

What specifically are you wanting to do without him???

Hi NOW, can i be of any help?

Gimble,

To answer your question....I do not know. I honestly do not know. What I have just realized, though is that the affair was NOT about problems in our marriage, and it was NOT about him. It was all about ME. I did not/do not know who I am, and that is what it all boiled down to. I am NOT angry at RH. He isn't really doing anything "wrong"...I just now feel like I'm flailing about in the dark with nothing to grab on to. But I am afraid to grab onto him because I don't think that is the answer to what I'm searching for. And don't ask what is is I'm searching for. I'm not really sure. I'm hoping I will know when I find it.

Hi NOW, anything I can do to help?

NOW, have you two talked about how you are feeling? Even though we are on the "opposite" sides of the A fence I think I get where you are coming from.

Working through the "new" post A relationship is weird for lack of a better word. What Mrs. E and I are finding is that it takes a lot of dialog between us because there are a whole new set of dynamics at work for both S's and that does make it hard to know where to draw the line on a whole rash of issues and the only way to figure out the proper place to put them is to talk about it.

Ya know M is a two way street. You guys have got to find a place where you are both comfortable and by that I mean the one who strayed just the same as the one that did not. You know how I feel about that whole deal.

Judging from your response to Bob I think venting/screaming/ranting is exactly what you need to do. Don't feel guilty about, tell your H you want to do it and why it is important to you. Then agree on a safe person or venue and get things off your chest. I don't think there is anything wrong with that or that it is necessary that you share the content of your rant as long as it is with someone or something he is comfortable with.

If it is important to you it will be important to him. I feel confident in saying that.

Hang in there and always remember IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!

FL,

Thanks....I don't know.

I guess all these things a BS does, it's because they are feeling the same things I feel right now. They had been "defined" by their spouse, and then that was pulled right out from under their feet. But I pulled the rug out from under my OWN feet. By doing that, I have pretty much forced myself to re-define who I am. But I don't know where to go next.

Hi NOW, anything I can do to help?

sorry about the extra posts!!! i was having computer problems.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning-T2M ]</small>