Maybe it's just Monday morning. I'm feeling not really beaten down but more like moving along. The past year BEFORE the affair was difficult. Due to WH's work schedule, he pretty much became emotionally drained and physically absent starting last April. He was a shadowfigure in our lives most of the summer. In the fall, he was out-of-the-country and started his affair. In November, he came home but had had a personality transplant, was deep in fog and thoroughly immersed in the affair.

I'm lonely. I miss having an adult to talk to. You know, all those little conversations about politics, the kids, the neighbors, even if it's of the 3 words and you get a grunt back variety. I miss hugs. I miss SF because that's a distant memory. I miss someone to take out the garbage and to remember to change the furnace filter. Someone to lock up at night.

I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of doing damage control with the kids and being uncertain. I'm tired of limbo.

I've been Plan A-ing away. I do "joke" with WH that he should stop being confused and do his thinking before I move past him. Last night, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was in front of an audience and standing on the wings waiting to go on stage. Somehow I knew that I was suppose to walk out on the stage and announce my name. I did walk out, stopped at center front and without nerves or hesitation, spoke my name to the audience. The name I spoke was my maiden name. My pre-married name. My birth name. Interesting what comes out in dreams, isn't it?

I truly understand how you are feeling. However, I never got past wanting to do all of the things that you mention with my H and no one else.

Actually, if it gives you any hope, we are back to doing those things together. He rolled out the garbage this morning, changes the filters, etc...

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:01 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I truly understand how you are feeling. However, I never got past wanting to do all of the things that you mention with my H and no one else.

Actually, if it gives you any hope, we are back to doing those things together. He rolled out the garbage this morning, changes the filters, etc...

Qwwwh grapegirl - deep breath. HUGS to you.

GG...was in the same funk this weekend too! Alone, lonely, empty, lost...you name it. I told my WH that I wanted him home to help me with the kids, the dog, to just be beside me in our bed. To feel his presence in the house would give me some comfort and assist with getting the trust back that he feels will never come back. Of couse when I start feeling this way I reach out to WH and he throws it back at me as a regression back to our old patterns of me the emotionally needy wife who he can't get a moment of rest from.

God I wish when those feeling come up I would just go take a run or call a friend to stop me from breaking what I call a very hole filled Plan B. Friends are encouraging me to give him a taste of what D life would mean for him. Question is where do I get the strength?

I think your dream proves that you haven't lost who you really are. That you are not just so and so's wife, and perhaps that you are recognizing the need as well as your ability to stand on your own two feet without him.

Ok just read some of your thread -my DD was 11/22 -I think it was ending when I found out. Mine is coming out of the fog -seeing sunshine, He is starting to do things around the house now. Started yesterday. Hope he keeps doing -but these last couple of weeks he has really been meeting my SF's - and very well. He even told me he knows how deceitful he has been and feels terrible that he has done this. Yesterday he even worked on my car first time in 2 years. I think today that we are going to make it. Isn't is ok to tell him you need SF, that you are not a frigid woman that you have needs. I think that is something they forget in the land of fog. Maybe you could say it looks like you need a hug. I know I sure could. See what happens. I am no expert for sure just my 2 cents.