Soon after I got married I cheated on my H with his friend. The affair lasted a few short months- it ended when I realized what an idiot I was being. I never told my H about it. Then about 3 years later I found out that my H was cheating on me. His A he flaunted in front of me for months. I took the A as pay back for what I had done in years past. My H still does not know about the A- has questioned about the closeness that the friend and I once had. My H no longer talks to this person, however I occasionally talk to him on the phone and meet for coffee to catch up on lives, as we really became good friends. H does not know about that either. Out of respect for my H I stopped meeting the OM a few months ago, and have only spoken to him maybe twice.

H stopped seeing the OW a while ago after about a year affair. However because his went on for so long I have a hard time trusting him, although I know I deserve everything that he has done to me for what I had done. Now when his phone rings I wonder, when he is out with his friends I wonder- these are all things he use to do to meet up with the OP. H is always accuseing me of cheating or looking to cheat, said he has heard rumors about me, and I denie them- but says he can not trust me. Said if he ever found truth to them that he would leave me instantly.

The guilt is eating me alive, the uncertainty is doing a number on me. What do I do? He refuses MC. any guidance would be great.

S?

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: seriously? ]</small>

I know I did a bad thing. It took a lot to post my mistakes. It is hard to admit to something I am so VERY ashamed of. I do not want to lose my H- as he stated that he would be so gone if I cheated on him. He told me when he came back that he was so sorry for what he had done, said he knew I was not perfect and that we would wipe the slate clean and start fresh. i was very happy about that- however his behaviors have resumed. I wonder what to do now.

I guess I need to learn to not double post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:31 PM: Message edited by: seriously? ]</small>

Seriously,

It often takes a little while for a post to be picked up and read by people. I am leaving my office right now, so I don't have much time to answer your questions. However, I will try to get to your post tonight.

There is a lot you can do. I would suggest that you read the articles by Harley on Needs, Love Busters, and the policies of "radical honesty" and joint agreement, POJA. Then we will talk.

I will say that I think you have finally done the right thing by ending your contact with your H's ex friend and your lover. I suspect this contact and the residual affects of the affair affected your marriage. They did NOT cause your H to have an affair. That was HIS choice alone as your A was your choice.

I think if you feel something is up, ask him. Talk with him about it. But, also see if there are needs of his you are not meeting. Start to do the homework and research here and you will find answers.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Seriously-

You need to implement a policy of radical honesty in your marriage, you need to tell your husband about your A, and you need to read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs".

You can't expect to have a healthy marriage when you've hidden things from your husband and vice versa.

-Caren

Just following a hunch here...

Has your husband ever been abusive to you in any way?

Pep

why would you ask that so fast Pep?

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

we have our share of problems yeah. We were struggleing before we got married, thought marriage would help, struggled during the A, thought we could get past it. I love my H and and have not forgiven myself for what I did. I can never forgive myself. I was wrong.

I read surviving a affair during my H's affair- when it looked like things were not going to work out. I have skimmed Lovebusters and a few others. I even did Plan B before H came back- it seemed to work rather well. Plan A did not work, he was enjoying his cake and eating it too. Once I went dark (been lurking for a while trying to get courage) H came back.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: seriously? ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> why would you ask that so fast Pep? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's a hunch that struck me too.

Seriously?, get the books, "Surviving An Affair," and "His Needs, Her Needs," at least, and see if your husband will work thru HNHN with you. You will need to tell him about the affair, but if you feel unsafe, at least make sure you work thru HNHN and the questionaires first - the reason is that your husband, if he loves you at all, will find a way to be much more understanding.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by seriously?:
<strong> we have our share of problems yeah. We were struggleing before we got married, thought marriage would help, struggled during the A, thought we could get past it. I love my H and and have not forgiven myself for what I did. I can never forgive myself. I was wrong.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seriously? I can totally relate to your statements there - I have a hard time forgiving myself for my A and the hurt it caused my wife. I'm still struggling with that.But I do know that if you can't resolve that issue - forgiveness is a gift you give yourself - you will always have communication problems with your husband.

Part of that forgiveness will come when you tell him - you've been lying to him for how long? That itself creates a sense of guilt that puts barriers between you and your H. Your marriage depends on total honesty - the relationship thrives on it.

My responsibility in my wife's current A is half caused by the same thing - dishonesty - a fear of what she might think of me or do. (She broke a phone over my head once - has a slight anger problem) - and my work in Plan A has been to remain honest with her, even as it has given her 'cause' to be with her lover. I still know that she sees the honesty in moments of clarity, and that's what I count on.

David

Thing with my H is that it is his way only. He views his thoughts and ideas as solid. Allows others to voice their opinions but none hold the same weight as his own.

He views an affair on my part as the ultimate in betrayal which can not be forgotten- forgiven yes but forgotten no. He does not understand how I could be so forgiving. Little does he know what I bear inside.

opps- I double posted again. How do I keep doing that?

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: seriously? ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by seriously?:
<strong> Thing with my H is that it is his way only. He views his thoughts and ideas as solid. Allows others to voice their opinions but none hold the same weight as his own.

He views an affair on my part as the ultimate in betrayal which can not be forgotten- forgiven yes but forgotten no. He does not understand how I could be so forgiving. Little does he know what I bear inside. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's why he should read HNHN - or get to a good MC - call the Harley's if possible. What he is doing is the OTHER half of what created the vaccuum that mw WWs OM can fill - Disrespectful Judgments. I was so bad at that that I could contradict everything my wife said, even on what colors were in the sunset. He needs to respect you - you need his respect. Your marriage will survive - improve, if you can in some way get him to work with you - make it his idea to improve you! He'll be getting the message before too long...

You can easily double post by hitting the ADD REPLY button too many times - if your computer slows down, and you think it's not working, just wait a while before you hit ADD again - I've done it many times..

David

this sounds familar

edited to add- Have you tried talking to your H about your feelings and he led you to believe that there is no cushion? Meaning no chance that things will be okay?

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: 2much4me ]</small>

have asked my H to read the book. Bought two copies thinking we could read it togther. H was interested at first however dropped it soon after. How do I keep his interest up?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by seriously?:
<strong> have asked my H to read the book. Bought two copies thinking we could read it togther. H was interested at first however dropped it soon after. How do I keep his interest up? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is certain he knows the best for everything, right? I'd somehow work it so that he is 'helping you become a better person' - the wife he wants. Make it his idea, let him guide you through the book - even play an idiot if you have to and ask him to explain 'difficult' concepts. If he loves you at all, he will begin to see some things in there that he may need to work on.

I'm praying for you.

David

seriously?:

"I read surviving a affair during my H's affair- when it looked like things were not going to work out. I have skimmed Lovebusters and a few others. I even did Plan B before H came back- it seemed to work rather well. Plan A did not work, he was enjoying his cake and eating it too. Once I went dark (been lurking for a while trying to get courage) H came back."

Wait a minute...
...You read SAA during HIS affair, and you never thought 2 use radical honesty then? You "did plan B" without being honest with him?

Sorry, that isn't possible.

You need 2 be able 2 forgive yourself before you can forgive your H for doing the same thoughtless thing you did 2 him. Get his help. But 2 do that, you need 2 tell him about your past.

No more secrets.

-ol' 2long

is there abuse? this question I am assuming was asked because of the way your H "flaunted" his affair in your face for months. That is abuse in and of itself!

OK, first, you need to be honest with your H. Yes, what you did was wrong, but you did not DESERVE this...no one deserves this...It was wrong of you to continue C with the OM for so long without your H knowledge, but you have stopped that, right? Now you need to be HONEST with your H about your past A with this man!

You both need to be in counseling! That is a must!

I dont have more time to post right now, but I'll be back tomorrow!

The system was a bit slow earlier! I posted one post 6 times before I realized what I was doing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Just sit back and wait for the stystem to catch up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That is just it, for some reason 5 years ago I was stupid. I did not think what I was doing was wrong, I saw it as a means to an end- the "fog". I can NOT tell H about the A because He would be gone, no questions asked. That has been made very very clear to me. I would hurt him beyond belief. I am trying to make it up to him in other ways.

Yes I read SAA- thought about telling H but decided it was too far after the fact- too many lies told. I did come clean with H about activties with the friend that he did not know about- I watched H cry and cry from the pain it brought him- and he was fully engulfed in his own affair and had just got done telling me he was done with me- then I told him that because HE ASKED. Then he asked me to tell him no more of it, ever. That it was in the past and he did not want to know.

Am I still to tell him?

seriously, 2Long is right. Your H must be told. Your marriage doesn't have a chance of developing any intimacy as long as there is a wall of secrecy between you. Not only that, but he has a right to know. I am not saying it will be easy but it is the only way to build a real marriage. You can't have a marriage that is built on lies and deceit.

Part of the reason you can't forgive yourself stems from the fact that you continue to compound the crime by lying to him. Honesty is the solution to infidelity, not more lying. I think once you get it out on the table you will be able to forgive yourself and hopefully, he will learn to trust you. But he shouldn't trust you until you stop lying to him.

And it sounds like your H doesn't have much respect for your opinion. That is something that we can help him with here because it is a huge lovebuster. I think that people should be confident in their opinions, but that doesn't mean they should demean their spouse over it.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>