Hi Again, Orchid,

Thanks for the good comments. I thought I'd start a new thread since the other one was written a couple of weeks ago. Things are up and down here. We had an excellent meeting with a pastor at our church last week. Probably the best counseling session we've ever had. We've been talking a lot. But I'm still so unsure of everything. WH's biggest EN is sex, pure in simple. It's not just about more it's about me desiring him. I've been reading extensively on the MB site about this issue. What I can't decide is if this is my problem or his. Should I and can I change? Should he accept me for who I am? This is so confusing! Sex was an issue with us, but I didn't realize it until it was too late. I tried to improve in this area, but it's hard. No past baggage here on my part...just a very conservative upbringing and a lot of ignorance. And now with all the baggage from the A's it's harder. What if I can't ever be the way he wants me to be in this area? I feel like a failure in this one department. Why did God make this so hard? I feel like WH has unrealistic ideas in this area, but he says sex is very important to him. He needs to feel desired and wanted. I want to desire him, but I just don't feel that way. Maybe I need some testosterone...HA! Our pastor said actions come first and the feelings will follow. Is that really true? If the feelings don't follow, then what? I know WS is thinking the same thing. I'm thinking I should see our pastor again, but then talking about sex with someone at church seems a bit uncomfortable. We saw a marriage counselor in the fall...maybe I should see him again.

Hi Still,

You are on the right track but I am sure it still seems confusing. See a doctor and see if you can give Steve or Jennifer a call.

The want and desire are feelings that need to be worked on. It takes effort to have a relationship. Taking it for granted makes for less desire.

So sex is important to your H but want and desire is what you need to cultivate? Sounds like your issue s/b handled 1st. Why? Because the want and desire sets the stage for the physical. Most women like to be wanted and desired. So he s/b making your feel safe in that area. He s/b the one to set the stage for you to want him. He s/b making himself desireable. In return you should also.

All this desire could really turn up the heat in your M. Again, seeing a doctor could help in a physical way. Nothing t/b ashamed of. The most important thing is u both work on this together.

L.

I'm glad to hear you think I'm on the right track. This is such a difficult issue. Desire is what WH needs from me. He needs to to feel needed and attractive to me. Well, that's a lofty goal considering where we are now. Honestly I WANT to feel that way about him, but how do I work up the feelings? I guess I feel somewhat indifferent at times - like I have no feelings about anything. WH trampled on my heart so long and so hard that perhaps I've just cut him off emotionally. Can this be what the REAL issue is? Maybe that's what's wrong now, but what about before all the A's? Sex was obviously an issue to him then, although he did not communicate that to me. I was stupid for not realizing it, but it was ignorance not anything I did on purpose to hurt him.

WH surprised me this morning by saying he was seeing the pastor this morning that we both saw last week. The counseling session we had last week was the best we've ever had, but there are so many issues we both are wondering if we can truly work past them. I'll be interested to see what WH has to say when he returns today.

Thanks for everything...