To those that have been betrayed, does it hurt worse to have had your spouse involve themselves sexually with one or more partners where it was just about sex, or does it hurt more to know that your spouse was in love with the OP? I am having a very difficult time with dealing with the fact that my W was in love with another man, I keep seeing in my head the love letters that she wrote to him, words she has never used or said to me.

Not sure I am the best one to answer since my H's affair was just emotional. I will say that the fact that he did not sleep with her was little consolation to me. It hurt tremendously to know he told her he loved her, he kissed her passionately, she was his best friend and soul mate, he could not live without her...<P>------------------<BR>Joan

My H's affair is still going on. It hurts more knowing that when I say I love you he doesn't respond, but he told me that when she says it to him, he says it back. That is a hard pill to swallow.<P>------------------<BR>That which does not kill us, will make us stronger.<BR>* Viki<P>

For me the worst part is the emotional infidelity not the sex. She shares her dreams and thoughts with him, her soul mate. Our kids are part of those dreams, but he is not part of our kids' dreams. She has no concept of reality and even though I am not in those dreams, the kids and I will have a major effect on the path her future will take if she expects the kids to be part of it.

Hi<BR>My husband had an emotional affair and a sexual affair with two different women, first the emotional affair then the sexual affair and to tell you the truth they both hurt the same, I still can not forget either although I try really hard not to obsess about either of his affairs, some days are better than others. But I can appricate what you are saying it was very hard for me to watch him and her (emotional) laughing and playing around joking etc when he would not give me the time of day, never mind share a laugh with me !<BR>Every time he is late home I go through the same pain all over again, some days I wonder if it is all worth it, trying again I suppose it is human to get disscouraged, but there is so much he could do to help the situation, although he seems hell bent on not doing a thing.<BR>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

I have thought little of the sex part. Its the fact that she left and attempeted to just replace me with om and move on with her life.

What hurts the most? <BR>The AFFAIR, every friggin aspect of it!<BR>The discovery of it.<BR>The lies that were told to me.<BR>The images I have of them together.<BR>The fear that it could happen again.<BR>Hearing the words "Im sorry I have had an affair"<BR>Reading love letters written to me on our anniversary and Christmas professing his love to me ad he was seeing her.<BR>His touch and telling me a hundred times a day that he loves me and he is here where he wants to be.<BR>Just the daily thoughts of how he could have done this to me AND our family.<BR>Hearing her voice when I confronted her with knowledge of the affair and her saying she would pray for us.<BR>Feeling like instead of the winner of the situation that I am just the old booby prize for him.<P>Sorry having an extremly hard time dealing with as it has only been 9 weeks into discovery and I just plain hurt daily! He wants to have things to return to normal (with us)...well here is a news flash...they can never be the same as my inner soul has just died and I just dont feel strong enough to repair a year and a half of infidelity of a 23 year marriage!!<P>

I must be in the minority here. For me, the thought that my W is having sex with the OM absolutely kills me. My W and I enjoyed a varied and frequent sex life. It was the best way we communicated our love to each other. I get physically ill when I picture my W doing the things we used to do with OM.<P>However, that is not to say that her confession to me that she "loves" him and that he is her "soulmate" doesn't deeply, deeply hurt me. Perhaps the biggest hurt is that she filed for divorce from me even though OM told her that he would NOT divorce his wife. This tells me that she would rather be his whore than my wife. That hurts.

I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of W and OM having sex. Uncontrollably, a "movie" starts playing in my mind and I see them doing things that only she and I should be doing.<P>However, the emotional part of the affair is what hurts me the worst, because the physical contact would not have happened with out the emotional connection. I, too, can't stand the idea that she shares more and more intimate thoughts with him than me.

I agree with Star Dazz everything hurts. There is no which one hurts worse it all hurts. The most horrifying pain I have ever had. The sex hurts because when you have sex together you are wondering is he comparing you to her. The lies hurt because now you don't know what is a lie and what is a truth. You want to believe that things he said about how he didn't want to leave and he was afraid he would lose you and that he did love you were still the truth but now that he has left you stay awake wondering. It hurts when he doesn't even call to check to see how anyone is doing- his children, grandchildren or his own parents. It hurts that you know that she is a cheap whore and he has replaced you with that. It hurts when you think everything is getting better only to find out he never stop seeing her. It hurts when you find out they have been together in your home. It hurts that all you know in your mind that this is an addiction your heart cries out why. And it hurts because you don't know what to do and you know that it doesn't really matter because there is nothing you can do but wait, hope and pray. <P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

Hi Starr Daze,<P> Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are here with us and let you know that my situation is almost identical to yours and it CAN get better ...honest. I found out Dec. that my H of 21 yrs was having a 11/2 yr. affair. It's been almost 9mos. since then and things are much better. The first 5mos. were horrible (he continued seeing her), we actually separated and he is back for good since April...I just want to offer some HOPE to you. I think they become temporarily insane but do come back to who they were before...(at least that 's been my experienc and others who I have seen).....hang in there,.....Lu

For me what hurts is that he didn't respect the boundaries of our marriage vows. It was me who he proposed to, me who he stood in front of the altar with, me who he promised to forsake all others for. Yet, when the temptation arose, I was the farthest thing away from his mind.<BR>He stepped over the boundary lines, and nothing can ever erase that.

The lies, lies and lies hurt me the worst. If there were no lies, then she wouldn't have jumped in the sack with him & left. We would have been able to sort things out before they went too far.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Lu...Thanks for the encouragement just having a "down" day. My husband wouldn't leave and the affair was over before I confronted him with my suspicions and evidence. She confirmed this, but after reading several posts on here I wonder if she was telling me the truth. He admitted to everything and I of course asked him everything! He is trying really hard and we are never apart except when he goes to work at midnight..which is the worst time to be gone. It's just hard for me to believe in him because he was always loving, good provider and was here for me and my girls. He keeps telling me that it was not like I imagined and he told her of his love for me and that he would never leave me. She even told me how lucky I was to have him as husband and she knew how much he loved me!!<BR>She was very sorry for what happen and assured me it was over..should I believe her?<P>Di..read your profile and my prayers are for you and your family. hope your son recovers and that your husband one day will see the light!<P>One last "hurt" and I will shutup...IT HURTS TO KNOW THAT MY MARRIAGE IS JUST A STATISTIC NOW. Ok, Im through.<P>You are all in my prayers...DAILY!<P>Star

For me, every aspect of the affair hurts...the sex...the lies...although he didn't love her, he cared about her...the gifts he bought her...the time he spent away from me to be w/her...the whole thing sucks! Although it only lasted 2 months, it still hurts and leaves me heart-broken....

Hi Star Dazz<BR> Yes, it might very well be over as she says, but keep your eyes wide open....it's encouraging that your H tells you he still loves you etc....upon discovery my H told me he loved OW and "cared" for me but that was it. So you are so far ahead.....BUT actions speak louder than words ,you have every reason to feel as you do. In the long run you CAN get over this(time will be your friend)....I am amazed how far we have come, I really thought it was a lost cause......Lu

The emotional part and all of the lies are what has hurt me the most. Not only did I get this from my h but also the ow. I was friends with the ow so they both lied to me. Who do I trust now? No one. I am suspicious about everything and everyone. I really don't want to be friends with any women unless they are ugly and old. The physical contact is temporary but the emotional attachment is very long lasting

In 96, my husband left me as a solution to his depression, and moved 2000 miles away to Minnesota. We had an agreement 5 months later that we would recommit to the marriage. Neither of us were infidels at that time.<P>We had an agreement that I would sell my home that I had bought when I was single, and leave my entire support system, and move to a place that I detested - and we would recommit to the marriage, and the house he bought would be half in my name, and the money from my home would go into this house, and if he cheated or if he quit being committed to the marriage, that I would have a little legal piece of paper that says I could return home, we would sell the house and I could become re-established in California, and he would have specific visitation rights.<P>I moved out here, kept my part. House sits in his sister's name, refuses to put me on it, I have taken all my money and invested it in this house towards this remodal and fix-up, and my husband cheated on me and never gave me the little paper than insures that I have an opportunity to have our 6 year old and can leave the state and go HOME.<P>Now, I cannot leave the state with our 6 year old to start over, I would have to give our 6 year old up, and go home BROKE.<P>I feel very hurt and betrayed and deceived, because I was foolish enough to trust him. I have learned not to trust him, and that his words do not speak like his actions do.<P>This is the part that hurts the most. The lack of truth and trust.

They both hurt badly. But, I think overcoming the emotional bond has been the most difficult for me. The confidences shared. The secrets. The lies. The deception. Ugh, these are terrible thoughts.

I would have to say both, the emotional, the letters I found that he had written to her and at the same time was professing his love for me, and the thoughts that the two of them expressed. I think initially these things hurt but as time went on it was the realization that he was promising her that he was going to leave me for her. Then after I found out and we had an extremely emotional night together and were hugging and holding each other and it started to go sexual. He said that he didn't know if we should do that after him having hurt me so much and I said great, your going to take the one really good thing that we have going for us and take that away, our one really insiteful connection, and stop doing that because you've hurt me sooooo much? WRONG-I think he woke up to me that night that when I made love I was making love, not having sex. He liked to say that she always just kind of laid there, didn't do much of anything, I told him that that was because she really wasn't in love with him, how can you make love if your not???? It was only sex between the two of them, and that is how I've learnt to look at it so it doesn't bother me as much,....Too bad.......<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>