bitolder...

why are you HERE...??

on a pro-fidelity marriage site??

when the NET is full of sites for support on being married while doing other people because it feels good??

Why are YOU here???

Anyways, I can see that that is not a discussion that I can have in this forum. I'll stick to the topics that are safe for you all.

It's not a discussion you SHOULD have here...not HERE>.

I't pretty much akin going to an AA board...and attacking posters on those boards that believe sobriety is best...

futile
and pretty much down right cruel...as you accuse those of seeking sobriety being closed minded...


not when there are 100's of sites that believe marriages can flourish and do well with these type of sex outside the marriage situations......

you are welcome to them...

but to bring this here.....where it's obvious what people believe in here...just as you believe differently...then to attack posters in your offhanded way...as if people are closed minded and believe they own their spouses.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

for what purpose??

why are you HERE>..
for the sake of argueing...

why not go to a site that will tell you it's a great and good thing...

ps perhaps you could offer to babysit her children while her and your husband get their groove on...
perhaps you could all go out for pizza after...sounds like a perfect friday night to me... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ARK

bitolder,

Yes, all of my judgements are moral ones..if they were not I would call them preferences.

So just assume that bias in every word that comes out of my mouth.

If your decisions are based on feelings..then expect them to change.

If your relationships are based on feelings..then expect them to change.

Feelings are fickle..they can lie..they can lead us astray from what is beneficial for us.


Lots of other things feel good in the moment.

The trouble with approaching this particular issue..is that you are telling us how you feel about the fantasy of your H having sex with the neighbor. In the fantasy it is still the two of you as the main characters with some meaningless sex on the side with a bit player thrown in for spice. In the fantasy you still have an element of control. I would say that control is a VERY big issue for you..otherwise he would not need your permission to choose sex with whomever strikes his fancy. In reality, it will be about them and their lust and their passion..with you on the sidelines waiting your turn. Waiting for what is left over.

I'd be willing to bet that you would veto anyone you felt seriously threatened by.

Let's consider for a moment..just how intense a young relationship is.

He has already had that with you..it isn't coming back.

With the new woman..he will be consumed by her..and his feelings for her, that's the way it works.

So if you encourage this..I suggest you get used to eating dinner alone..and assuming the role of mom/roomate with benefits..because his lover will be the person who rouses his passion.

That person will not be you.

He will have secrets with her..you will be shut out of some of his most intimate memories and moments.

At some point or another, one will very likely become pregnant. Very possibly they will both be overjoyed...and you will have lost the opportunity to share that with him as well.

You see, it isn't about that he could possibly find another woman he thinks is his soulmate..it's that he WILL move on UNLESS he commits and rearranges his decisions around that commitment.

So, I do wonder what could possibly appeal to you about this very..sad..eventuality. Why throw up you hands and say if it happens there was nothing I or he could do to prevent it?

That is like smoking despite the risks and insisting that if you get cancer your choices had nothing to do with the matter, it was simply meant to be.

Your plan defies logic. It also defies God.

That's my bias speaking again.

I believe that what you propose is a grave mistake, and the death of your marriage manifest.

I also believe that this may be an instance in which you may have to pass through the fire before you abandon the theory that you so want to be truth.

With that in mind, I'm not sure what more I could say..as you will not be persuaded.

Noodle

OK MB folks.Do you all realize who this person is?

O

enlighten me

Go back and reread all her old posts.There were many of us,including me,that tried to help with her situation and now that she has brought up this new dilemma it is clear to me that she may welll not have the same marriage building ideals we expect and value here.

If she wants to see her young husband boink some neighbor and have an open marriage,fine but this isn't what this site is about.

O

Regarding "control", you also can't control how the neighbor will react. Stalking behaviors in OWs aren't that uncommon, it seems to me that having one next door could be very unpleasant.

Many people don't appreciate being used for a ONS, even by someone they know, even with the spouse's permission.

I think your marriage is already broken, you just don't know it.

Question: "Is something wrong with me for not caring if he does the neighbor?"

Answer: "YES"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<strong> Question: "Is something wrong with me for not caring if he does the neighbor?"
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think there is more than one thing wrong with you if 1- you needed to ask this question HERE on a pro-monogamy/marriage site and 2- you had to ask the question to being with.

And WAT totally stole my response!

lol -

"Dear Penthouse..."

I think she got the wrong board URL

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just a touch insensitive for an infidelity board. Perhaps we are not so enlightened as to be willing to let our spouse "pork or be porked" on a merry homewrecking trip through the friendly neighborhood.


LMAO. First time I belly laughed in days. Hahahaha...

Oh god, I needed that!

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: sprint ]</small>

Look , bitolder, my H and I had many talks about our attractions to others, we also had times during sex when we fantasized about others, and I once told him he could go out any time he wanted and get oral, b/c I hated it. Guess what, it leads to an affair. Not the honesty, but the permission. If you think their can be just casual sex with people you interact with everyday, then your nuts! That is where my H was thrown off, too. He thought screwing a friend would just be casual sex, that he could do it and not form a strong bond. He was wrong, and now more than anything I think about the relationship he had with the OW.
I won't tell you that your stupid, I'm sure you're not, but you are wrong. Not because you want your H to have sex with someone else(it even excites me to some extent), there are things as open marraiges, but b/c you don't realize the great consequences involved! My H told me that unfortunately he had to learn by doing, that when I told him these things he though I was just prudish and stupid, but he DID learn. He realizes now that I DO know what I am talking about. I would hate for you to learn by experience. I would hate to see you here in a couple of years in as much pain as me and most others here. Please start thinking!

bitolder,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

An internet troll is a person who sends duplicitous messages hoping to get angry responses, or a message sent by such a person. The term derives from the phrase "trolling for newbies" and ultimately from trolling for fish; it first appeared on Usenet. The term is frequently abused to slander opponents in heated debates and is frequently misapplied to those who are ignorant of etiquette.

Trolling is often described as an online version of the breaching experiment, where social boundaries and rules of etiquette are broken. Self-proclaimed trolls often style themselves as Devil's Advocates or gadflies or culture jammers, challenging the dominant discourse and assumptions of the forum they are trolling in an attempt to subvert and introduce different ways of thinking. Detractors who value etiquette claim that true Devil's Advocates generally identify themselves as such for the sake of etiquette, whereas trolls often consider etiquette to be something worth trolling in order to fight groupthink.

Trolls are sometimes caricatured as socially inept. This is often due to the fundamental attribution error, as it is impossible to know the real traits of an individual solely from their online discourse. Indeed, since intentional trolls are alleged to knowingly flout social boundaries, it is difficult to typecast them as socially inept since they have arguably proven adept at their goal. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you continue to post on the "infidelity board" where folks are rife with fresh betrayal...there is no doubt that you meet the above criteria. You can say you aren't a troll...but it is your action and insensitivity that defines you as such. I am sorry to see you take this path. You could easily discuss this topic on the EN board and get some reasonable responses...instead you would rather stir the pot and in the process...hurt others.

Being a troll is a choice to exhibit lack of sensitivity, lack of manners, lack of compassion....and a complete and overiding desire to create drama and controversy. You've done a good days work.

Haven't read all your responses yet.

I think that if you want to have a lasting marriage with your H then you will keep any fantasies about other people as just fantasies and not really have him or you act on any of them with OP in real life. JMHO

Also, you already may have a difficult time maintaining a long term marriage given the age difference between you and your H. I wouldn't think it a good idea to play around with an open marriage. Either of you or the OP(s) are bound to get hurt.

starfish:

That's GREAT!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I LMAO reading that! Wonderful thing, this internet!

...gee, why didn't *I* think 2 look that up? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' 2long (trolling for "oldbies") <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

In fact, if he really wanted to do it, to go ahead, but he would have to tell her that I know about it and gave him permission to do it.

You mean...like his Mommy would GIVE him "permission" to stay out past his curfew. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have to admit...I based the sarcasm on the difference in your ages.

Sounds like a " so desperate to hold on to her young H that he can do ANTHING...or ANYBODY he wants as long as he comes home afterward" woman.

JMHO
committed

Besides, I really don't care. I would care if he gave me some disease or got somebody pregnant.

she doesn't have a husband. She has three kids by three different men.

What in these 2 statements make you think the neighbor is interested in safe sex?

Or wouldn't get pregnant, or isn't already carrying herpes or HPV or HepC?

Or that one of these dads of one of her children might actually care enough about her to come after your H when he uses her?

Or she (or your H) might find you inconvenient?

Haven't you ever read anything on GQII to comprehend how bad situations can get?

Your original question was "Is something wrong with me for not caring if he does the neighbor?"

The way you posed this question and the information you provided in your first and subsequent posts would lead me...in my opinion...which YOU asked for by posting the question here (in an infidelity forum)...would be no.

There is nothing wrong with YOU.

There IS something wrong with you not caring.

Honestly, I think you care. IMHO. You wouldn't come to the infidelity board and have to ask. Unless of course you are a troll. But, I'm choosing to accept you at your word.

See, if I'm not sure about something or want a particular answer, I'll go to the place or person who will give me the answer I want.

I may argue it. I may play my part to the tee. But really, I want the answer I'm getting by going to the very place that will give me the expected answer.

It's the "Please convince me of what I want you to tell me".

I wonder if you are not as secure in the idea of your husband "doing" the neighbor.

You sound pretty flipant about it when you put it that way. You are making the neighbor an object. He's not making love with her. He's not even having sex with her. You've given him a power position by "doing" her. She's not there except to give him pleasure...therefore not a threat...it's not a woman he wants, it's an object.

If it's no big deal to you if he has sex outside of your marriage, why do you need to know about it? That's caring, no matter how you put it. It has to be on YOUR terms, in YOUR way. Control. Controlled burn is a great way to put it. If you're not interested in owning him, why does he need to tell you. He's his own man right?

His own man....as long as he okays it with you?

The other thing that stands out to me here is your insistance that as long as you're meeting his emotional needs, he won't leave you regardless of who he is "doing".

In my experience a man wants to be wanted and needed. I can't imagine telling my man "Sure, go "do" the neighbor. Just tell me about it first."

Now, if this isn't a long term relationship, if marriage isn't sacred and protected in his view or in yours, this might work great.

He gets the stability of marriage and the excitement of "doing" the neighbor or the check out girl or your friend or the gal he meets at the bar.

Woo-hoo!!! That frankly sounds like the fantasy of many 23 year old guys.

Fantasy and reality are most likely going to collide though. One of those women is going to not only "do" him, but adore him and admire him and want to be the one to fill EVERY aspect of his needs. She's not going to want to share him.

She won't be his soul mate, but she may very well be the one to make him feel the man....HER man.

If there is one thing to be learned here...and I hope you read a lot on EN's and the fantasy surrounding an affair...it's that the very fantasy and excitement of an A is what hooks people into it.

Your opening the door to another woman by allowing him to "do" someone else is NOT protecting your marriage.

You know, I've been putting on a seatbelt every time I've gotten into a car for the last 16 years. I've never been in an accident...not once in all that time.

I still put on my seatbelt.

Keep the seatbelt on in your marriage.

Just because you don't think it can happen, don't forget to protect yourself and your marriage.

Something like 90% of accidents happen within 5 miles of your home...where you feel safest. A quick run to the corner store can't be dangerous can it.

My husband "doing" the neighbor with my permission won't end my marriage.

If he leaves, we weren't meant to be. Right? He must not have been my soul mate after all. Right?

I must have been meant to die because I didn't put on my seatbelt when I ran to the store. Right?

Protect yourself and your marriage. You, your husband and your marriage deserve no less.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bitolder:
She has three kids by three different men.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time for the forth one? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
If she accepts sex with an OM, that is


Dangerous liaison? Watch if you didn't have... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

From your Feb 4 EN forum post:
Update: he says I treat him like a child (but what if he can't meet my #1 EN?)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
When he gets home, conversation is just about the last thing he wants. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It must have been a little dismaying for him to finally talk to you, and for his conversation to be about "doing" someone else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bitolder:
You all know better than I that there is nothing anyone can do to stop their mate from having sex with someone else or leaving them if that is what he really wants. All I'm saying is that between me and him, I feel secure in his love and I know he will feel the desire to have sex with someone else from time to time and it doesn't bother me. I'd prefer to know than be lied to.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I watched a few weeks ago a TV show (was it Oprah or Montel <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) about a mom allowing her daughter (13) to drink alcohol, smoke pot, and bring&have sex with her bf at home... the same explanation - 'she might do it anyway, why to hide from me'...

Bi-

Not judging you, to each his own, but this is not the place to air your little experiment.

Take it to a venue that is better suited.

-Caren