My story in the short version. Had an affair with OW after 6 years of marriage. I know what I did was horrible. My W found out about it and was devastated. We are in MC now. I miss OW so bad. Are all A's like a drug addiction. The A was more emotional for me than physical. Is that odd coming from a man? I feel like I have been living a life that is not me for 6 years. I gave up everything for my W and now I am not happy. She is very controlling. I think I finally just could not take it any more. My emotional and physical needs were not being met. I let her know so many times. But nothing changed. I know if we did not have a child it would be over. I am a product of that enviornment. I surely did not want it for any of my children. Thank you for letting me vent.

31, when was your dday and how long did the A last? You sound very fogged up right now. Read through the posts here and you will see that what you are saying is typical WS talk. I am both a FWS and BS by the way. It sounds like you have rewritten your marital history which nearly all WS do.

How is the MC going? Are you in NC? Are you committed to working on your M? Hang in there and the real you should return after withdrawl.

Hi 31!

There are plenty of us that have been through EXACTLY what you are going through. You are definitely not alone...

How long ago was dday? How long have you been in counseling?

Sorry you have to be here but welcome.

Yes it is typical for the OP (Other Person) to become an addition for the WS (Wayward Spouse.
Is there still contact with the OP? If there is any at all it will be all but impossible to get over your addition.

I'm not sure if you are still in the FOG or if you really feel this way about your M (marriage) but I will tell you something I told my 12 yo son when he was told by my WW that it was okay for her to have a boyfriend because daddy was so mean to her. FYI this was FOG talk. Anyway, I told him it is never okay for a Mom or a Dad to have boyfriend or girlfriend when they are still married regardless of how the other person is acting. If a spouse is truly being mean to the other spouse then they should leave them, get a divorce, and only then consider getting someone new.

Wouldn't you tell your kids the same thing?

Give us some more details about your situation and maybe we can be of more help. Also, you need to read on the main portion of this site. If you choose to save your M that is where you will find the real tools you need.

3 months since D-day. We are in MC, and it is going ok. I have a problem letting my feelings out. I guess this is what led to my wife running over me so to speak. It was always her call. What I could and could not do. I was a robot. The A lasted for about a year. My wife and I have so many different views on things. When we married we just could not wait to get away from our parents. I will post more later. Thanks

Hello 31&confused,

Welcome to MB.

I am sorry that you choce to commit adultery to solve the problems in your marriage.No marriage is perfect but you did marry your W and you had a child with her so it couldn't have been all bad.If I may say so,the things you have said here today are very common.It's things like: we never should have married,I found my soul mate,she/he is so controlling,I am miserable,it just happened,I never meant for it to happen,we were never compatible,etc,etc,etc.WS's tend to rewrite history to justify what they did.Sure,there may have been some truth to what you are feeling but most times,the past gets so warped and distorted that what was reality is now changed to accomodate the affair so you don't feel so badly,or,as badly.

There are many WS's here that can help you.You just confessed your A 3 months ago so you most definitely are in withdrawal if you are not contacting the OW anymore(I hope this is true).Was she married with children too? No one can "run over" you unless you let them and it's interesting how you use the term "robot".I am glad you are in counseling to explore your own behaviors since you could easily repeat them even if you left your current wife to run off with the OW.The answer here isn't some other person but what is going on inside.

Glad to hear you are in MC.

O

You are right. That is why I am so confused. The A was totally my fault. I don't blame my W for it. My W loves me, I kept my mouth shut about my needs, because I did not want to rock the boat. I was afraid she would leave. Why I was so scared I don't know. Like all marriages, nothing stays the way it does for the first year or two. If it does, those people are lucky. We have always had sex issues. Me all the time, her never. no compromising either. We are both very attactive people. When we do it is amazing. We both have some family issues. Hers are worse. I go back to a couple of arguements we had in the beginning. She threatened to leave and go back to her mothers. I did not want that, that was the point where I thought the arguments were not worth her leaving. So I would bottle things up. My fault I know. Maybe we would not be in this situation now. I just let the resentment eat me up. When we met I was always at the lake. That is where I grew up. That is me. I have not been to the lake in 3 years, because she does not like it. Again no compromise. I feel like I shopuld have stood up instead of running. I don't know how to regain control. I said robot because it was wake up work one job, go to the next come home go to bed kiss goodnight. seven days a week. I am not complaining, we have a very blessed life. I am just at a mid life stage or something, but I want things the way they should be. Sorry for rambling.

Wow you sound like my wife in male form...
She had an Emotional Affair and now she says we shouldn't have gotten married... that I control her... that she was living a lie for the 11yrs we were married before the EA... and that if it weren't for the kids it would be easier for her to walk away...

I think you guys get a false sense of real love on the other side of the fence... and then you judge your wife by that unrealistic level of love...

Do you really think that the Other Person would be perfect when you were together for years...

The problems are bigger than that...

I asked her why she didn't tell me about her feelings sooner... she just says that it was just another big mistake in her life... just like all the rest of the mistakes she made...

I feel for you... and my wife...

But do what is right... stay away from your vice... and then focus on the right communication channels for your FUTURE relationship with your wife...

Good luck... and take what these guys have to say to heart... they have seen it all and can help you through the tuff times...

They have been a great help to me on the other side of the fence... I am sure they can help you...

A couple of book suggestions for you and your W.

His Needs Her Needs
The 5 Love Languages
Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus, IN THE BEDROOM!!!

No more conflict avoiding for you sir. Do you know that conflict avoidance is really just plan ole dishonesty.

Hello, my Name is KY (jelly) I am a conlfict avoider. (I'm really working on not being one though) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Fight the withdrawal, NC is a must, for life.

KY

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: kyellow4 ]</small>

Hi 31,

IMHO affairs are definitely addictive and when they end, the withdrawals are very tough to get through. I am going through it right now after a 1 year long EA in which I felt I was in love with the OM, even though we never allowed it to progress to a PA, thank goodness.

I am happier even though I have days where I miss him, I miss his voice and the things he used to say to me. I miss knowing I was special in his life. Right or wrong I miss it still, but I also know that each day will get easier and it has already. For me it has been only a month but we had distanced from each other for the past few months so in a sense it feels longer than that for me.

I know I made the right decision in moving on with my life, in telling my husband about him, and in trying to understand why I allowed myself to betray my husband, the man I truly love.

Good luck with maintaining NC. It will get easier in time. Smile and be happy you are no longer a person who has to live a lie every day of his life. I hated being that person. I like the new 'me' much better.

I love my husband!
LMH

dbl post

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

triple post..sorry! MB is a nightmare today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: lovemyhubby ]</small>

Brief threadjack, Sorry 31, not too much off topic.

LoveMyH said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am happier even though I have days where I miss him, I miss his voice and the things he used to say to me. I miss knowing I was special in his life. Right or wrong I miss it still, but I also know that each day will get easier and it has already </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These feelings will pass. The fantasy of the OM will fade, truly it will. I am completely indifferent about OM. Their is no bitterness on my part to fester feelings of indifference, it was just all apart of the healing.

You are doing very well, and from your posting, I feel you will embrace the indifference like I have.

KY

Thanks for the support. I never said marrying my wife was a mistake. I made the mistake of not letting her know how unhappy I was enough. I was weak and I am sure that was a turn off for her. I just don't know what to do. I want to be happy with my wife. I have destroyed that and it is a long ways from getting there. Most of our marriage there have always been issues. If it wasn't her brother living with us, it was her mother. Or my father causing trouble. There was always such turmoil. In our MC sessions we have discovered that we put everyone else before us. There are so many issues. I wonder sometimes how in the world did we get to this situation. I feel so sorry for her.

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: 31&confused ]</small>

kyellow,
Thanks for the vote of confidence! I have learned alot from reading your posts and many posts on this board, and hold out the hope the withdrawals will become easier in time, and I agree wholeheartedly with what you said earlier on this post:

"Fight the withdrawal. NC is a must, for life."

Right on jelly..


31,
Can you do something special for your wife? Take her out to dinner, make plans with her so you and she have something to look forward to.. sit and talk and tell her how much you care, and how you will work towards a happy marriage from here on.. Tell her you love her and never want to lose her. Tell her you have changed. She deserves that much. And when you do these things, you will find yourself happier with your wife .. It will happen over time, but you have to continue with NC and realize the withdrawals will take time. Just give it time and care for your wife more than you care how much you are missing the OW.

wishing you luck and support,
LMH

LMH,

I do stuff for my wife, and I am so happy at the time we are doing it. We go out to eat. I took her on a trip for her birthday. The first day was great we had an amazing room and the trip was awesome. But she said afterwards she would have had a better time if our 2 year old was there. I would have too, but this weekend was supposed to be about us. I bring her flowers home. She just thinks this is all for one thing. I get so tired of that. Why is it a big issue. She can never just relax and go with the flow. And that is when my mind starts wandering. I work so she can stay home with our child. We are building a beautiful house she has a nice car she gets to do whatever she wants. I show her love and affection. I just don't get it in return. It would be nice just for once for her to want me. It is odd because she has a girlfreind who is having the same problems as I am in this department with her husband. I never new it would be this much work. I am not giving up!

LMH,

I do stuff for my wife, and I am so happy at the time we are doing it. We go out to eat. I took her on a trip for her birthday. The first day was great we had an amazing room and the trip was awesome. But she said afterwards she would have had a better time if our 2 year old was there. I would have too, but this weekend was supposed to be about us. I bring her flowers home. She just thinks this is all for one thing. I get so tired of that. Why is it a big issue. She can never just relax and go with the flow. And that is when my mind starts wandering. I work so she can stay home with our child. We are building a beautiful house she has a nice car she gets to do whatever she wants. I show her love and affection. I just don't get it in return. It would be nice just for once for her to want me. It is odd because she has a girlfreind who is having the same problems as I am in this department with her husband. I never new it would be this much work. I am not giving up!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was weak and I am sure that was a turn off for her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was me. My H showed me no respect. Who could have blamed him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> We are now finding and even balance of my coming into myself, and his control.

Others treat us as we allow it. I have really stepped up to the plate, and my H has so much more reason to respect me.

If you want somebody's behavior towards you to change, then change your own behavior. I really believe in that.

KY

ky and lovemyhubby--I could use your advice! I am a WW who has been disassociating from the OM for weeks. It has only been 4 days since I stopped talking to him altogether. He calls constantly. I am trying to keep busy and I miss his friendship. I want my marriage to work. I want to stop the lying and the immorality. PLease see my old posts and write back!