A question for the WS or FWS out there:

If bigamy were legal, would that appeal (or have appealed) to you?

In a relationship that involved two people, would you have been satisfied, do you think, or do you still believe you would have wandered, seeking...something?

It may be hard to envision, but sometimes it is fun to challenge peoples' thought processes.

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: ISGirl ]</small>

Are you maybe talking about polygamy? Where you all live in the same house? Or do you mean bigamy where one man or one woman has two separate families in two separate locations?

As far as polygamy goes....I suspect that if I was brought up in a society where it was common place...there are aspects of it that I would really like: having a woman to share conversation, childcare, chores etc.

Before I knew my FWH's A was physical, I KNEW that he thought he loved FOW/FBF, and me. He began looking up websites for Polygory, or Polymory, or something like that. Usually men, who have a wife and a girlfriend ~ sometimes they all live together, and sometimes the girlfriend just "visits."

I remember the hole that opened in the pit of my stomach that night, the overwhelming sense of doom. All I could think of, and say, was, "Are you saying that you are in love with her?" And he kept telling me, "No, not if it upsets you."

And I thought, WTH is going on? How did this happen? And he kept telling me that he had felt like this for a long time, most of our M, and that he finally realized that he was not a freak ~ that some people are capable of being in love with more than one person at a time.

NOW I know that was the beginning of the Fogese. I didn't understand it then, but now I know EXACTLY what he was saying. He was saying that he wanted his cake, and to eat it, too. He had found justification/rationalization for his inappropriate feelings for another woman. No wonder he was so excited about the sites! What a gift to the WS psyche!

NOW, though, my H says that living like that was VERY draining on him. He says that is why he confessed the PA to me after only 2 weeks of going physical, because living the two separate lives was killing him.

Spidey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by star*fish:
<strong> Are you maybe talking about polygamy? Where you all live in the same house? Or do you mean bigamy where one man or one woman has two separate families in two separate locations? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm willing to entertain thoughts on either. I am just interested in getting inside the heads of a WS or FWS to see if they think that it would have satisfied whatever unmet needs they were experiencing.

And to get people thinking.

Having two wives was my OMs dream. He really felt he was in love with us both. At the time I thought he was being truthful, but when I look back we were both just deceiving ourselves, and all it was was an excuse to continue our EA and not feel as if we were wrong, because we were 'in love' .. It was so much fantasyland and addiction.

LMH

Definitions...

Bigamy is normally defined as having two wives, not necessarily where they live.

Polygamy is multiple spouses -- polyandry if it's multiple husbands, polygyny for multiple wives. Polygamy has been practiced in essentially all cultures at one time or another, and is still much more common than we think in Western society.

Polyamory is the love of multiple people -- a general term for a broad range of non-monogamous practices and beliefs.

I lived polyamorously for a long time. Based on my own experience, I believe it is quite possible to be in love with two people at the same time -- or at least to LOVE two people at the same time.

Is that the beginning of fogese? Yes, if you understand "fogese" as a state in which the biological drive that fuels romantic love has been activated and is creating an addictive state.

The problem I have with it is not the love of two people. Heck, that happens all the time. The problem I have is when you start to harm other people by your actions in that state.

I know I'm a minority voice, here, but hey, what else is new? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would have been fine with my ex's relationship with OM if she had been able to stop harming me. She was unable to do so. And in her panic and pain and irrational state, she also began to harm our daughter. Turns out that was a dealbreaker for me.

I now know that what I wanted -- an end to the harm to me while she was involved with OM -- may have been impossible. My ex is not able to sustain multiple relationships. I am -- and did it for most of a decade without any more harm than happens in monogamous marriages. (I wasn't perfect, but we were happy...) I don't particularly want to do it anymore, but I know I'm capable of it.

Well, I for one am with Just J. For some people, it's a do-able thing, and for those that travel that route, power to ya. An it harm none.

As for me, depending on the situation, I could see it as a feasible concept.

On the other hand, until I get the knack of making even one woman happy...

Yeah. Reality.

Anyway, this reminds me of a scene from a movie...

"You have 7 wives?!?"

"7 wives... yep."

"You live with 7 women?!?"

"Nah, I just married them. No-one knows how to live with them!"

dewt (who is ducking and running for cover)

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The problem I have is when you start to harm other people by your actions in that state. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. I didn't mean everyone has fogese, but I do believe my H did, because I don't think he ever LOVED OW. He didn't even know her. I think he was infatuated with her, and didn't know the difference. This is just my opinion, in my sitch.

I also know that I read those sites for a while, and while there were many stories of everyone involved seeming to be happy and satisfied, I also read several places where the wives of the men who were Polyomorious (sp?) went along with the lifestyle, but battled negative feelings about the situation constantly. They were having to be reassured all the time that they were loved as much as the third partner.

The reason it was a deal-breaker for me, is because that is not what I agreed to when I M'd my H. If I thought he really felt that when we were dating or engaged, I wouldn't have M'd him. As a M'd couple, when one person changes major rules, and doesn't consider the other person's feelings, major problems happen. That was where I was at. I felt H had changed the rules without asking me, and he didn't understand why I wasn't "happy" for him, that he had finally figured himself out.

So, I didn't mean to offend anyone with my wording earlier. I'm not saying that type of lifestyle can't be successful ~ I read many places where it seems to be. It just isn't for ME.

Spidey

I have a wife and 3 daughters. So, I lived with all 4 of them for about 20 years before they went their separate way. I can honestly say:

One woman is *more than enough* for me.

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>