OOPS AGAIN!!!

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

ok, funny! I thought I missed something, started to search out "Plan A Letter" and couldn't find anything.

I'm just not mentally ready for Plan B, so I guess I am keeping myself on his string.

I hate wasting great advice (same given to me from MIL and SIL).

Thanks!!

-Christine

I think he also needs to know that it is not OK for your children to be in their presence.

SHE IS NO LONGER THEIR NANNY. SHE IS NOW THE OW!!!

I agree!!

I just read the post by TA about the 180 degree change....think I'll do that. I guess it's kinda like plan B but not quite.

-Christine

I recommend that you do PLAN A then PLAN B.

Steve Harley specifically directed me NOT to do the 180 Approach.

I would recommend sticking to the MB SYSTEM for now. You are doing great with it.

Listen to Mimi... she's got experience and will not mislead you.

The email from your husband is almost entirely about ~feelings~

This is what fuels an affair FEELINGS. it's as if the WS has an alter upon which they place their feelings and they "honor their feelings" .... and ignore just about everything else.

The WS does not function using logic, or honor, or their duty to serve the higher good ... only their ~feelings~ matter.

Re-read the letter and say "feelings" out loud every time he's written that word, and you will see what I mean.

The road to hell and eternal confusion is leading one's life based solely on one's ~feelings~ .... this is why your H is confused. His ~feelings~ change daily, or hourly, and then he finds he cannot decide which direction to go in because his ~feelings~ have no direction.

feelings are always temporary .... ALWAYS !!!

So.... for you .... do not allow yourself to be directed by HIS feelings. YOU use your principles, Harley concepts and a well-thought-out PLAN to decide your direction.

Exercise your feelings here on this board... but do not use them for a compass .... because that is precisely what your foggy WH is doing ... and he is LOST!

Take care

Pep

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks, Pep.

In my heart I know that, but it doesn't stop the pain and hurt I have. Last night was so tough, my 3 year old son asked me why daddy didn't love me any more and my 5 year old son cried for him all night saying how he missed him and didn't want him to stay at Emma's. (sigh)

I honestly don't have any fears of an A with WH and new roomie (Emma), they have been friends for 20+ years and they decided long ago they would never jeopardize their friendship.

I know I need patience and I am doing the best I can, but I have been put on the shelf for so many months now...I have needs and feelings too. I just want to be close again, I miss that more than I could ever put into words.

Just how successful is the MB plan anyway? Anyone know the ratio of recovery vs. divorce?

Thanks again

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just how successful is the MB plan anyway? Anyone know the ratio of recovery vs. divorce? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does this matter? The MB System is working for you. It worked for me.

Do you want to give your WH up to the NANNY? That's all she can count on. You giving him up.
Don't do it. Fight for your marriage. We will help you. This woman came into your house and went after everything that is yours. That is vicious and evil!!

Their R has no chance of working. That is what he wanting to pursue and it will fail.

Just like Pep said, listen to me. Listen to PEP!!!

Mimi I try to have faith in what you say, but from my point of view MB doesn't seem to be working for me....he's out of the house and I'm taking care of everything including his mother. I know it won't happen as quickly as I like.

He actually just sent me an IM. He wanted me to know that I can call on him for help with the kids whenever I need to, that it was strange not talking with me yesterday, and that he thinks "this" will be helpful to him. By "this" I mean his living out of the house with limited to no contact with me, but access to his children.

I wish OW would fall off the face of the earth!! She has ruined everything in my life that I cherished. Yes, my WH is not innocent in any of this, but her actions were diliberate and he was foolishly sucked in.

I will vent here only!! After the IM with him I went back to our warehouse and cried my eyes out like a big baby. I hate feeling badly.

-Christine

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: MommyCBaby ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but from my point of view MB doesn't seem to be working for me....he's out of the house and I'm taking care of everything including his mother. I know it won't happen as quickly as I like.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you say MB is not working? He is following the standard WS script. He is a classic cakeeater. The A won't last. I guarantee you. You are rignt that it will take time. You will grieve. You will be in pain. It's awful.

Be motivated by your desire not to let NANNY triumph. She wants you to give up. That is her only chance.

RED FLAG here:
Why are you taking care of his mother? It's important to not enable him. He has to take care of his responsibilities. Have you told his M about the A?

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi,

She's not feable by any means, only 55 years old. Her husband passed away 5+ years ago, then me and WH were married but since she was in a bad way we all lived together. We all bought our current house together. She's been as much of a parent to our 2 youngest boys as we have, she's been there from day 1. After OW/Nanny stopped workingmat our house, MIL retired 1 year early from her state job to care for Hunter and Tucker. She is not a burden to me at all. My point was that he's abandoned his wife, kids, and mother all in the same selfish action. It was his promise to his dying father that he would always take care of her.

I guess MB is working, there is still no mention of D in our future. It's just hard to see pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I am hopeful, but right now I have none of my ENs being met.

-Christine

WOW! What a blessing for you and the boys to have your MIL? Of course, she's not feeble. She and I are almost the same age! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Have you told her about the A?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My point was that he's abandoned his wife, kids, and mother all in the same selfish action </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a part of the WH script. Same with all of our spouses!! YUK.

About your ENs? They will be met when you get to RECOVERY. Focus now on taking care of yourself and the boys.

I know you are thinking that it is all rosy for THE NANNY. Not so. Being a cake-eater, he has not committed to her either. She is playing a game and hoping and praying that you will give up and go away so that she can have him all to herself. I'm trying to encourage you to hang in there and fignt for your husband and your marriage.

I would hint around somehow to your WH about how NANNY probably wants to get pregnant. That is going to be her strategy to become more equal with you. I had to warn my FWH about this and it turned out that was what she was trying to do.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi,

Everyone on both sides of our family knows, everyone in my office, some people in his office, the UPS man at my work, my dentist, my hairdresser.....it goes on and on.

Don't have to play the "pregnancy" card with OW, WH knows she has a BF and I suspect someone else in the wings as well. He knows all this & is why that line in his e-mail about "all that's gone on in the last month or two"....despite all that, he has "feelings" for her that draw him back in.

She's a little blankity-blank, and I can't wait for GOD's three-fold payback to her....if only I am able to witness it!! I know, not a healthy or Christian attitude, but I am human and HE will forgive me.

MIL actually apologizes to me all the time. It's not her fault, but it's her son and she feels just terrible.

-Christine

MommyC,

I sure don't want to add to your burden, but my husband's affair was with his 20+ year friend.

So it's not an impossibility. In our case my husband and OW were even single at the same point in time, but never were romantically involved when they were both available.

They just leaned on each other as platonic friends for all those years. She's known him far longer than I have. And from what I've learned from her messages to him post d-day; it's their friendship she misses the most - she would love to have that back, but he's agreed to NC - and she's still learning what that means.

CSUE,

I appreciate the concern, but I have no room in my head for that right now. I have learned to trust my gut, and until I have reason to think anything I will not doubt the nature of their relationship. Not that it matters much, but right after Dday I spoke with her a lot, and she was pissed and very unhappy with WH's actions and how he treated me. I really couldn't see her adding to my grief.

Thank you

-Christine

MommyC,

I'm relieved to hear that. She could certainly be an asset in your court. Blessings to you.

CSue,

Yes, I am blessed. I have a huge circle of family and loved ones, all pulling for me and many have spoken with WH about love/life and the whole 9 yards. As we all know, WS's can not have their eyes, minds, or hearts forced open....it will happen when it's time and he sees it for himself. Sucks for me and the kids, but it is what it is.

-Christine

OMG! She so fits the stereotype of the OW in my sitch.

For some reason, the fact that she has other men makes those women more attractive. They are the type of women that cause men to murder each other. Do you see what I mean? It's a control issue with those women. They are evil. NANNY EVE is a good name for her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

She also is the type who will get pregnant and need a paternity test to find out which BF is the F. I would still warn him because I suspect it is your WH that she really wants. She is using the other men to make him jealous and to attract him even more.

It was hard for me to believe, too, about my H. Since he is addicted to her, it doesn't matter to him how bad she is or how many other men she has had. He will rationalize it somehow in his foggy brain. She will tell him that they are taking advantage of her, he will rescue her, he is her knight in shining armor. She will tell him all the horrible things that they are doing to her. She will tell him all the sexual stuff she does with other men. See the picture? She will paint herself as a pathetic victim. "Poor me"...I know her...

On some level, your WH knows that she is bad, too, Mommy. He's addicted to her. He's trying to hold onto you in order to maintain his sanity right now because, just like PEP says, he feels out of control. It's not about her. It's about the high that she is giving him.

It's tough. I know.....I'm here for you....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
<strong> Mimi I try to have faith in what you say, but from my point of view MB doesn't seem to be working for me....he's out of the house and I'm taking care of everything including his mother. I know it won't happen as quickly as I like.

He actually just sent me an IM. He wanted me to know that I can call on him for help with the kids whenever I need to, that it was strange not talking with me yesterday, and that he thinks "this" will be helpful to him. By "this" I mean his living out of the house with limited to no contact with me, but access to his children.

I wish OW would fall off the face of the earth!! She has ruined everything in my life that I cherished. Yes, my WH is not innocent in any of this, but her actions were diliberate and he was foolishly sucked in.

I will vent here only!! After the IM with him I went back to our warehouse and cried my eyes out like a big baby. I hate feeling badly.

-Christine </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mommy, I am no expert in MB, but I truly think -this is coming from a man's perspective -that Plan B is necessary in this situation. I would even ask MIL to Plan B with you, since your WH has discarded essentially all of his obligations to his family. Explain to him that his choice to "find himself" is a solo project and the consequences of such a venture is the distancing of those you made promises to and are now betraying. I may be wrong, but I don't know if an elaborate Plan A will add anything more to your scenario. Your husband seems more dedicated to shrugging off all personal responsibility than simply having an affair.

I can think of nothing more hurting to me than the rejection of my wife, children and mother, but then again I am not a WS. This is not always troubling by their logic.

Mimi,

That is odd!! After OW's BF had his dose of exposure, that is exactly what my WH said, that she portayed him as a monster and he was trying to help her!!! She told me that WH was crying to her, that even if she never wanted to see him again that she should not be with BF. I don't know if WH believes there are others or not...seems to me there are. WH is out of the house, BF is in basic training many states away, and yet they still don't get together physically.....what's the deal???

Micro,

I just don't have the heart right now for plan B. It may have a future, but not just yet!!

Thanks!!

-Christine