Are you absolutely sure that they are not getting together?

Not time for Plan B, YET.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

What's your answer to my question?

How are you doing today?

Mimi,

Sorry for the delay, until home system is better I only have access at work (M-F, 8:30a - 5p).

I am fairly confident about the no physical contact. At work I can track their on-line and idle time (which never coinsides with being away at same time), and after work I can account for his whereabouts....so I really can't see where it would be happening. I know there are cars and parks, but I know where he's at (either our house, SIL, or now new roomie - and I know for a fact that he's there). The only contact would be cell/text/IM/e-mail. I activity on the personal cell has been non-existant all week, but he does have a Blackberry thru work & they couls easily be using that, as I have no access to snoop!!

I am great today!! WH texted me last night at 11pm, he had gone to happy hour & was now too drunk to drive (since he officially "moved out" March 1, we have had almost zero contact with one another...he has seen our children while I am not present. This is how he insisted on handling it, so he can clear his head without any "distractions" from me & he could see how he really felt about me/us. I know it's a crap response, but I can not force him to see it my/MB way). I picked him up and he spent the night so I could drop him off this morning to get his car, as he had a business lunch meeting. Also, (this is the only place where I can radically honest, because all friends & relatives don't exactly see my plan A and think it should be a plan B so he gets the full effect of what he's pondering walking away from) we had incredible SF last night!! Even better, due to his condition he lasted much longer than usual. Not that it was ever an issue for us, but since Dday SF has been relatively quick and not very affectionate, last night it was slow and long and I really enjoyed every second of it!!

This morning he thanked me for the ride and said how he should have called a cab last night instead (MIL was awake this morning and gave of us a ration of crap for our actions..although she doesn't know about the SF). It's all so new to be away from each other, Wednesday was the first time in 10 years we went a day without talking with each other.

It was an awesome ending to a tough day! When I had gotten home from work I had seen that he had been by earlier and taken all his clothes from the closet. I knew it was coming, but still a shock to see.

I am using parts of the 180 degree theroy, but sticking with the overall Plan A.

Am I doing OK?

-Christine

Great on the PLAN A SF!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> am using parts of the 180 degree theroy </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does this involve specifically?

By that, I am emitting the image of being happy and that I am moving forward in life (inside I am still so hurt and unhappy with the current situation, although in ways I am moving forward, I am not giving up on my marriage). Since he wants "peace and privacy" to think, I am not initiating any contact with him, unless family circumstances warrant it. I no longer stress my opinion about how to work on our R, and am waiting for his enlightenment to happen in his own time (I can't force him anyhow). I am making more plans to do activities with friends and our children. Absolutely no LBs!! I am playing it cool, like last night I didn't show the true excitement I felt over the SF, but let him know I did enjoy it. I am not smothering him with "I love you" or "I miss you", he knows exactly how I feel.

When I dropped him off this morning he said I love you, and I said it back. Then I told him that he was my lobster.

-Christine

You can't do the 180 stuff AND PLAN A. They don't fit together. I wouldn't recommend the PLAN A stuff. This isn't just me talking. When I was in counseling with Steve Harley he mentioned his disagreement with it.

It's important that you focus on meeting your WH's needs during PLAN A. PLAN B is when you work on moving on....

For example, I disagree with this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">night I didn't show the true excitement I felt over the SF, but let him know I did enjoy it. I am not smothering him with "I love you" or "I miss you", he knows exactly how I feel.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you do need to do PLAN B, you are wanting him to remember all these special times during PLAN A. Also, OW is counting on him thinking that you don't really care about him. For a man, demonstrating that you enjoy sex with him is extremely important! It fulfills the need for ADMIRATION and AFFECTION along with SF.

Mimi,

How exactly do I acomplish a real plan A when he wants no inteferance from me so he can let his thoughts develop?

I still know it's not the right way to save a M, but he says he doesn't even want that yet. I can not force him to see my way on this.

Ideas???

-Christine

Invite him over.

Take lunch over to his office.

Call him on his cell and tell him that you love him.

During PLAN A, don't listen to him when he says back off. He wants you to back off in order to justify leaving you.

Make sense?

It makes sense, but then I feel like I'm stalking him and not giving him the time he asked for.

One thing you should know about me is that I have always been a submissive person. To me, this is like disobeying my husband. I never did exposure for the same reason, however when OW's BF called to expose to me I told him all.

Couldn't this push him away?

BTW - I have asked for dinners, lunches, movies, etc and he always says "we'll see" and we don't.

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It makes sense, but then I feel like I'm stalking him and not giving him the time he asked for </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why should he call the shots? That's just it. You are the one with the plan. Remember what PEP said. He is confused, being ruled by his emotions.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One thing you should know about me is that I have always been a submissive person. To me, this is like disobeying my husband. I never did exposure for the same reason, however when OW's BF called to expose to me I told him all.

Couldn't this push him away?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what MB and PLAN A are all about, making the changes in yourself that are necessary. You better believe that NANNY was not submissive. She went for what she wanted.

Push him away? He's already gone, Christine. He's trying to get you to buy into his BS.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BTW - I have asked for dinners, lunches, movies, etc and he always says "we'll see" and we don't.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time to get inventive. You know what your H likes, Christine. Think back to when you were courting. Any special meal or dessert that he likes?

Yeah, and I did that for Valentine's day.....he brought it into work and gave them away to the office <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'll have to put my thinking cap on and think of subtle ways to keep showing him my faith, love, and devotion.

Separated plan A is harder than I thought!!

-Christine

One more thing:

The general concensus of family and friends says I should let him go, he'll come back when he's ready or realizes the true consequences.

DO NOT LISTEN TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS!

Listen to the people here who have been through this.

There's a reason why people profit from support groups. You've heard of AA groups, etc.

If I had listened to my own mother, I would definitely be divorced today!!

I made a mistake in one of my previous posts.

I meant to say DO PLAN A AND NOT THE 180 STUFF!!

He might not demonstrate to you right now that it is working. Believe me though he will remember the changes that you are making. You have to remain consistent and not give up.

A large part of him wants to disbelieve you and wants you to give up and go backwards. Keep going forwards regardless of what he does or says.

This will be the hardest mountain to climb. I have always been this way, I don't know how to train myself to be more assertive and aggressive. I have my moments and pick my battles, but overall I am a passive person by nature.

I can almost hear your response already, that nothing is as important as saving my M and keeping our family together. But a huge part of me believes that I would be forcing myself on WH. I know him, and that's about the same as an ultimatum.

We are not avoiding each other, he took his clothes out while I was gone because it was too hard (night before he claims he cried when he packed his overnight bag for the first night in new room). He'll be coming over every other day or so to be with the kids, I can use that time to be the most charming, loving, caring, Plan Aing wife he ever did see.

That's why this is so hard. I know that he still loves me He's conviced he's not "in" love with me. I can't presume to know how he feels, but thanks to this site and members, I understand how he feels. I know he's still confused with feelings for OW, and I would guess his pride is playing a roll as well. I know in my heart that he'll come to trust that eventually, I just don't want to kick myself in the a$$ later for pushing him when he needed to figure it out for himself.

I'm pathetic, right??

I just read your correction....I was confused at first, but when reading more I realised you just reversed the words.

And you're right, he asks me all the time why I am hanging on and why I don't kick him out of my life for good. My answer is always the same "because I love you, I want to stay by your side, and I don't want our family broken up". He asked me that last night on the drive home from picking him up. He also keeps telling me that I am his best friend.

Had to go do some of my job for a change.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My answer is always the same "because I love you, I want to stay by your side, and I don't want our family broken up". He asked me that last night on the drive home from picking him up. He also keeps telling me that I am his best friend.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is SUPER!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that he still loves me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what kept me going with my H. The OW in your case sounds alot like mine. That's why I've latched onto you, girlfriend. I think the problem is that your H got addicted to a lecherous woman who put her hooks into him.

If you play this right, he's coming home. Christine, when my H left, he couldn't even bring himswld ro take his clothes if that tells you anything. He ended up buying all new clothes. When he visited the house, he would go stand in his closet as if saying to himself, I continue to have this anchor to reality. Creepy....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just don't want to kick myself in the a$$ later for pushing him when he needed to figure it out for himself.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think you should push him. You are right about the importance of not doing that. Pushing would be begging and pleading for him to come home or insisting for him to come home. I'm suggesting behavioral changes on your part that you don't necessarily point out to him, nor do you expect him to voice a response to the changes. Be alluring and give him admiration and affection whenever you have the chance to do so....

Thanks for latching on to me, Mimi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I just feel so needy and pathetic, and no one in my "real" life seems to have the understanding like those here (funny 'cause MIL is FBS and SIL is FWS - each thinks I should Plan B....they don't know it's called that, but they want me to cut him out 100% for him to realize).

I hate going home, because I have no access to this site. Before I was on all the time, now I just neglect my job to get the advise and support I need emotionally.

I had some excellent reading last night: check out ncwalker's post "it is all pretty simple, when you get right down to it". I printed it out yesterday afternoon (43 pages!!!) and spent hours last night reading it....absolutely fascinating.

Thanks, again, for being there for me. Words could never express the angel you are to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Christine

Mimi,

Your signature says recovery #2, what was recovery #1? How long did his A actually last? When did you know that you were really in recovery?

Sorry for the barrage, had been curious for a while. Figured I would work on my aggressiveness and try it out on you first...LOL

-Christine

I am happy to be able to help you. I am trying to give back all that I was given here.

I may be busy for awhile. Have to do my job, too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You might want to make it a priority to get on line at home to get support you mignt not be able to get from your family. It's not unusual for them not to understand. The MB Approach doesn't feel or sound natural but it works.....

MB was my lifeline sometimes on the weekend. I would cry out here and each time someone would come along to listen.....

I hated Fridays, knowing I was going home to be alone. When my FWH was home, he would leave to be with her on the weekends....

Later.....

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>