Ark, you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not saying she doesn't know better...
she does. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I am saying. We are on the same page!

I was so disgusted by her poetry!

As mother of 18 and 22 year old young men, I have also been disgusted by the provocativeness of the young women in their peer group. I've seen the IM messages to them. Not to mention the fact that they feel that it's OK to show reveal their thongs in public, the tattoos close to their rear ends. It goes on and on...... This is my bias.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But HE"S the obvious grownup...and should protect young women no prey on them...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also fully understand and agree with this. Oh the SHOULDS.... I could go on and on about the things that my FWH SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE!!!

The reality of it is, as you say, ARK,he is caught up in this and Christine has to accept it!

mimi..
I hear you..
I say expose to her mother
plan b the rug from underneath him...

and let him reap what he sows...

ARK

Christine:

Where are you? What are you doing? What are you thinking?

you go, guys!!

stuck working, I will log in tonight and add my stuff!!

-Christine

Here it is 10:45pm, fed the family (sans Daddy), bathed the young ones, picked up house, yada yada yada.....I'm so tired. Me and MIL talked more about this tonight, she's on board with Plan B as well. She helped me with the portion on the boys....WH has already deteriorated the amount of time he's said he would spend with them while he's "thinking". So, as much as I don't want my sons to suffer, they already are. WH can stay away during the week, he can call to talk with them, but he can see them on the weekends. Since his current living arrangement is not suitable for them (no room to sleep, and a dog they're terrified of), he can take them out or stay here....but if he's here I will not be.

The finances are what worry me. His pay and commissions are direct deposited into our one and only account. I would need to remove his name from the account and have a lawyer to set up what child support and alimony would be. I am so not comfortable with that. Can a Plan B still include mixed finances?? I can still oversee all the bills and check our account on-line for any of his transactions, then whichever day he comes over for the boys (yes, I will be absent) he can add/deduct from the ledger. I have always balanced the checkbook and can maintain that all is well.

Thoughts??

I'll check frequently tomorrow....all bosses and most staff will be out, unless we're slammed I should have plenty of time to "play".

Thanks for being there. Without this site and all the advice and comments, I shutter to think where I might be right now. HUGS

"I can get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror and my family can look at me too and that's all that matters."

-Christine

did you two discuss the financial issues prior to his moving out....

did you agree that he would continue his contribution....

if it is direct deposited....then both have access do you think at plan b time he will remove his support...

ark

Ark,

We discussed it lightly before he left, he maintains that he will continue to take care of the bills. When he first left I was doing Plan A, so it seemed feasable at the time.

I think this could work. Of course, if I see monies being spent too much on "other" things and our bills etc start to suffer, I could always reverse my stand at that point.

What's your deal? I don't know if you are M or F, or what your sitch is.

-Christine

My "Plan B" seems to be off to a good start. As I said, yesterday he sent me an e-mail that I never replied to. Later in the afternoon, he sent me an IM to see if I had received the e-mail, my responses were short and to the point. Still again later, he IMs me again to tell me a health issue with a co-worker of his, he says he told me because my boss knows this guy and he might have wanted to call. Last night my 5 year old wanted Daddy, so I called the number and passed the phone. WH spoke with all the boys, but I did not talk on the phone at all. The night comes and goes, I don't contact him in any way, shape, or form. This morning he just IMed me to see how dinner was, all I typed was "good", he asked if there were left overs (he LOVES my sausage and peppers), and I typed "maybe", he replied "maybe not" and that was it.

Actions speak louder than words. He will see that I am not at his beckon call, although my heart holds on for dear life, he will not see it from me nor will he hear those words. As far as he's concerned, I am moving on up.

-Christine

Christine:

I was counseled by Steve H. to protect myself and my children at this point by seeking a legal agreement. Whether you want to believe it or accept it or not, the OW will have access to his mind and also his money. He likely will or already does have a secret bank account. You need your own separate bank account too.

This will increase his respect for you. Plus, this is the point of PLAN B. You do not want to take care of his life for him at all anymore.

What I did was to maintain the joint account and access to my H's funds. When money was deposited into that account, I took my child support and alimony out of there and put it into my account. That way I was assured that my bills and the children would be taken care of. Remember this is no longer the H that you once knew. You can no longer count him to put your welfare first.

I would recommend separating out the finances and seeking consultation with a lawyer. What scares you about taking care of yourself and YOUR CHILDREN in this manner? Your H is not looking out for you. You have to look out for yourself now.

IMO, I think you need to get this all in place before your OFFICIAL PLAN B. In PLAN B, there will be no communication with him at all. You can see already that he is anxious about this. He is definitely a cake-eater! GAG!

You might find it helpful to read my posts on CC's thread.

<small>[ March 18, 2005, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Thanks, Mimi.

I think what scares me, is that it feels like I'm initiating the "final steps" leading to a divorce. I know, weak, but it is how I feel.

-Christine

Please try not to make decisions based on how you feel.

Make your decisions based on logic and thinking things through.

This is necessary for your own protection and for your children.

Protecting yourself legally is not divorcing. It is just that, protecting yourself. Would you let your son go outside in the rain without a coat if he says the coat doesn't feel good? What about wearing a seatbelt? They don't feel good.

Remember. You no longer have your H anyways.

A signed piece of paper that protects you legally is just that, a piece of paper. I'm here to tell you that if you don't do this, the OW will be taking food off of your table, so to speak.

I know. But understanding and doing are so hard when your emotions won't shut the heck up.

It's time to work on getting stronger, Christine. In the long run, you will be a better person for it.

This is going to sound harsh. It isn't meant to be because I don't like to get my feelings hurt. I am saying this for your own good. Spoken just like a MOTHER HEN! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Do you want to feel good in the short-term or do you want to recover your marriage?

Believe me, this A has no chance of survival if you do what you need to do.

I want to be strong, Mimi.

Do I discuss with WH and see if we come up with a $$ on our own? Then I could get a sep. acct, like you did, and transfer the cash after direct deposit. Or, do I just go and see a lawyer and present him with the papers?

mommycy..

how big is the threat that he will with-hold financial monies...once you give the man who needs time and space to think...

how realistic is this....

and what are you WILLING to do....

start taking and putting aside...
back up plan of savings
ability to borrow from family if he holds monies that affects the house and kids...etc...

assess the real risk
and figure out a plan...
but if you use this excuse not to plan b....
then there is your answer to all that you are willing to tolerate in your world..

nineteen year old.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I'd planb his butt soooooooooooo fast

ARK

See what other people think.

Change your thread to URGENT HELP NEEDED WITH PLAN B or start a new thread.

I know you don't need to ask him. You need to decide what to do. REMEMBER HE IS FOGGY and will not be looking out for your best interest. He not your H right now. He is WH.

My question is: Should you go to see the lawyer before going into PLAN B? or Should you do the PLAN B letter and include the fact that you are going to see a lawyer.

You can go on line to find out the laws in your state regarding spousal and child support. Since he makes more money than you, he owes you some support.

You see, he may be unhappy (to say the least) about you doing this. He will try to talk you out of it. You need to be proactive and stand strong. Put on your blinders. You will protect yourself and your children financially regardless of what he says or does!!!

I told my H that I was proceeding with a SEPARATION AGREEMENT. I choose the lawyer. He agreed with everything I asked for. He came over and signed it and went on his merry way. All he wanted was the freedom to continue to carry on with his A, also known as , PLAY TIME!!

The best part of it was the respect that I gained from him. It hurts. I know. I'm not doubting that for you. JUST DO IT!

I know he is WH and not my H right now, but in the last 6 months (UG) all his money comes in and the bills get paid. In the first 2 months (Nov and Dec) he had several hotel stays and he was very, very foggy, but (despite what Mimi thinks is happening) now it is just an EA....unless she starts going over to new place. He had gotten 2 new credit cards in Nov. as well, all spent on OW, that are maxed (his credit is so crappy, despite the fact that he makes about 90K a year, the limit on each card was $300 - LOL). I see how much is sent in on monthly payments to those cards, so he is not paying them in full and racking them back up. He is not pulling cash out of the account or spending money in any other way that says he's spending on OW (unless you count a cup of Starbucks once or twice, which still could have been for someone else or a specialty drink instead of house coffee). My point being, he was super-foggy the first 2 months, he still is foggy, but I don't have the fear of him stopping the cash flow into the household.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(despite what Mimi thinks is happening) now it is just an EA.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you trying to say that it's better that it's not a PA? In some ways, an EA is worse. It doesn't matter what kind of A it is, Christine. It is still an A. How he is treating you and his children is not acceptable or OK.


Working.. I'll be back....

I know. I was trying to beat you to the punch, you always remind me that cars are being used for sex, or that they could be going to parks.

I definately think EA is worse!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
<strong> I know. But understanding and doing are so hard when your emotions won't shut the heck up. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mommy, this is where I believe that WS and BS become similar, the fact that people let emotion override reason sometimes; it shows that there is nothing really different between us we just let emotion drive us at different points in life. WS' let emotion control their marriatal obligations and BS' let it control our personal obligations.

Think of it this way: you want to be the better person, the person who stood up for moral principles, then override your emotions to do what you KNOW you should do. This is the very thing that your spouse WILL NOT do (yet).

It is very easy to see what needs to be done, it is extremely hard to do what needs to be done.