I see many WS are deeply sorry for what they did and many feel guilty many years later. Would the pain and guilt be stronger if the BS never gave you a second chance, or does the fact that the BS stayed and worked on the marriage made your guilt less painfull?

No, my H's pain, and his stoicism, in light of the deep hurt I caused, made me feel guilt. It struck me when I saw a bottle of tranquilizers in the medicine cabinet dated two days after DD. If he had been angry, if he had cast me out of his heart, I would have viewed that as justification for my behaviour. His forebearance carried both of us because I had none.

The guilt would be just as strong regardless of if he stayed with me or not. I would have been devastated to lose my husband, and if I had I'm not sure how I would be coping with life at all right now. He is the man I love and there are times late at night when I cant sleep thinking about the times I betrayed and deceived him, all for what?

The fog in these situations is so thick, it takes awhile for the light of reality to shine through, but when it does, it is a time to rejoice and make amends. It is a time to vow to find a way to understand why this happened, and to be a better person because it did.

LMH

bump

Hemidart,

I think whether or not the BS stays, the pain and guilt is there.

If H leaves me, the pain will be dreadful and I will also feel guilty. Now, while H is here with me, I have felt terribly guilty and also in pain.

So..... not much difference, either way....

**edited to add - since dday was 8 months ago now, it has become much better. I'm working at getting rid of guilt, since it paralyses in the end and whats needed is actions, not guilty feelings**

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: smur ]</small>

To a WS, the A is the fault of the BS. So, if my W had kicked my sorry a** out (which she had every right to do), I probably would not have felt as much guilt. I think my attitude would have been, "It was going to end anyway. The A just hastened it." I would have been unhappier, but I wouldn't feel any guilt about it.

But, she didn't. She demonstrated to me that in fact she was willing to work things out and that, if I had simply been extremely frank with her (as in, "Dear W, if we don't work out our problems, I am getting a divorce) then she would have done so without an A.

Basically, she proved to me that my A was unnecessary.

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

Basically, she proved to me that my A was unnecessary

Wow Jimmy. What a great summary of good post-A FBS behaviour !

Saved in my personal file.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see many WS are deeply sorry for what they did and many feel guilty many years later. Would the pain and guilt be stronger if the BS never gave you a second chance, or does the fact that the BS stayed and worked on the marriage made your guilt less painfull? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good question, Hemi-

I don't think that anything my husband does or doesn't do has anything to do with the pain/guilt I feel. That is all within ME, all due to the choice I made. I do think that the fact that he stayed HUMBLED me, and I could no longer hide behind the guilt. I still felt it (still do sometimes), but his forgiveness made my "guiltiness" beside the point.
Guilt/shame serve an important purpose...it gets you to repent in humility. But beyond that, once you are forgiven, it serves no good purpose at all except to keep you in chains. The thing is, the FWS is the only one with the key to unlock the chains....nobody else can do it for you.

Hope this helps.

NOW

Well I can't compare, as H hasn't left me, nor do I think he will....but I think if he had and I had ruined everything that I loved and cherished in life due to problems I personally was having, I am not sure how I would do.


Right now - what's pulling me through the remorse and guilt is the hope and love of my H, that we do have a future together, a very bright future...

As Jimmy said - you realize the affair was unnessessary...how true

-ds