I started out just to write, b/c I am in such a down mood. But then I thought maybe I would pose a question for those who have been through this and are on the other side. My mind is continuely wandering to the "love" he shared with the OW. I came across a letter that he wrote to her the day after the first PA. It was full of intense emotion that basically told her he felt so close to her and that this relationship was so wonderful. That he wanted to be with her in all the emotional ways as well as the physical. Yet he told me that he just felt a bond with her after the sex and didn't start to feel like he loved her until near the end(he told her he loved her at that point as well).
Anyway a long way around to the question: how did you ever get past the fact that your WS "fell" for someone else. I mean we can all say it was the "fog" taking over, but regardless of what we call it, the feelings were genuine at the time, and the person you loved gave that love to someone else!

I put the OW in the same catagory as previous g/f's. Did WS have a previous relationship? How do you reconcile the fact that he expressed his undying love to another woman before you? Most of us have to go through this and we put the past into the past. "She really wasn't the right person", etc. I can see the same thing in terms of the OW.

I'm not saying this is easy and even after 1 1/2 years of recovery I'll catch myself looking at FWS and think, "He had an affair." I'm not sure that ever leaves, but the point is that now those times are few and far between.

In addition to our 'attitude adjustment', the FWS has to go through his own healing and recovery. He has inflicted great pain on you, him, and your M. He has to deal with extraordinary amounts of guilt and shame. Can you imagine yourself in his position? I'm not sure I would even be able to face my spouse.

But we all need to go through an individual healing and slowly you realize that FWS is not the same person who had the A. You start working on the issues of the M and you are surprised how much two people can change. And you thank the stars that you have a second chance with each other.