Hi, this is my first time writing and I am looking for some help.

Marriage of 5 years. Very happy. Poor communication between us. I am the talkative one, my wife keeps a lot of things to herself.

Anyway, On New Year's eve, my wife and I went to spend the evening with two of our closest friends ( another couple ). Several months ago, we found out that this couple was involved with "swinging". We had been friends with them for years, and I did not consider this a threat to us.

In fact, the fact that they were swingers somewhat intrigued us ( my wife much more than I as you'll soon hear ). I discussed this issue with my wife prior to this evening and let her know that I had no intererest in doing any swinging. I also discussed briefly with the my friend ( the male husband of the other couple ) that I would never want to participate in that type of sex with my wife.

So this evening, we all had a lot to drink, and were having a good time. Then, my wife and I pushed some boundaries and had sex together while the other couple did the same thing on the other end of the room. While I did not want to swing, I was willing to have sex in the same room as the other couple. I was hesitant, but my wife was excited about doing this so I continued.

Shortly after the sex, my wife and I fell a sleep in the same room as the other couple. The alchohol really knocked me out. Well, the next morning my wife was crying as she explained to me that she had sex with the other couple ( both the man and the woman ). She said she stopped the man and only had sex with him for a minute or less( ok sure ).

I was so shocked I could barely breathe. She says that she always had a fantasy about being in that type of situation ( now she tells me ! ), and that the alchohol allowed her to act out on her fantasy and didn't think about the consequences. While all of that was going on by the way, I was right there in the room. If I would have woken up, I would have gone crazy and there is no telling what I would have done.

I am now destroyed, depressed, humiliated, lonely, and every other possible negative adjective you can think of. I also have been suicidal and have a lot of rage towards my friend who betrayed me. My wife says that she will never do it again and is not exactly sure why she did it, besides the fantasy and the alchohol.

My questions for the group are:

-Can a woman really love her spouse and disrespect him in such a way while he is right there in the room. She was not even on the pill ( lickily she is not pregnant, and she said he did not you know, god this is hard to write about )
-For Men to answer, can I ever get these visions of what happened that night out of my head and see my wife as the same pure lovely woman. I do not see her the same.
-Can I ever trust her again. If she could do this while I was right there in the room, what else is she capable of.
-Can a marriage ever recover from something like this.

Please help.

First, welcome to MB... I am sorry you have a need to be here, but you are in the right place.

As you now know, alcohol, curiosity and swingers make a bad combination!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Yes, it is all raw and fresh right now... but yes, there is a chance at recovery. Stick around here, read alot and learn.

Did you just find out what happened that night? It sounds quite fresh to you. Hopefully some w/ more experience will be along soon....(((HUGS)))

Thank you. You are right about those things being a bad combination. I also feel guilty that I had so much to drink and did not wake up while this was happening. I found out the next morning. Somehow, I thought we were " above" that possibility. Guess I was very wrong..

Thank you. You are right about those things being a bad combination. I also feel guilty that I had so much to drink and did not wake up while this was happening. I found out the next morning. Somehow, I thought we were " above" that possibility. Guess I was very wrong..

Thank you. You are right about those things being a bad combination. I also feel guilty that I had so much to drink and did not wake up while this was happening. I found out the next morning. Somehow, I thought we were " above" that possibility. Guess I was very wrong..

DM, the visions will fade and in time you will be able to forgive your W and look at her as you always have.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You will find a lot of wonderful advice. There are a few things you need to do and one of the first is to make an appointment with your primary doctor and ask for some anti depressents. While this happened a little while ago I'm sure it is very fresh to you and the ad's can help.

Your friends have to be out of your life forever and I think you already understand that. Consider that you and your W made a conscious decision to put yourself in this position. So it is possible that this could have been you. You may say no, but you were not in the position she was because you passed out.

You also have a very remorseful wife. Lots of folks here not only have to hear about the affair but have to deal with a spouse who considers the other person their long lost soulmate. So you have something to be grateful for. Try not to share you very negative feelings with your wife. She is hurting to, and you need to be supportive as best you can. Your marriage can both survive and thrive if you both work together. You might consider counselling. But you will find all kinds of wonderful advice for free right here. Stick around and you will start to see some consistent themes. Their are many folks that have been through what you are going through. You haven't said it, but most here already know you've lost weight, can't sleep and don't sleep much. We understand your pain and can help you though it. Take care.

WOE

destroyed...
your marriage can survive....i went thru this with a gf proir to marrying WW...we survived this until i met cindy(WW)..and i stopped seeing old gf immediately....

your wife is sorry so dont bug her...you are both in pain and i suggest alot of talking to each other....

listen in here...i am sure this is one of the best places to get tried and true advice...

do you love your wife....if yes....yyo canmake it

DM... you will recover.

You called your wife "pure". I think some of us view our spouses in elevated positions that are unfair in a way.

There is nothing jusitifiable in what she's done... but now you know something new about her. She's human and capable of making terrible, hurtful mistakes.

If you do some work, you can turn this into something that makes your M better. Believe it.

I'm so sorry. You'll get better.

GC

thank you to both of the previous senders, it means a lot.

thank you to both of the previous senders, it means a lot.

Thanks Graycloud, and I think you are right that we sometimes elevate our spouses to something unrealistic. She of course is human.