Hello everyone,

I have read and visited MB for a couple of years now, and find the information extremely valuable.

Sadly, the last 7 months of those were during my EMA (both EA and PA). I've been married over 10 years. I'm sure much of my story will sound typical to the affair experience. I've read enough to know about the fog and the fact that so much of what I'm feeling right now is likely inaccurate. Still, I'm really wrestling with what to do, what the best course of action will ultimately be for everyone involved.

We had a DDay about a month ago; both of our spouses now know about it, and both of our spouses are, at least as of now, wishing to save our marriages. There has been some limited contact (phone, email) between MM and me since DDay (mostly business-related, which cannot be avoided). I have CC:d my H on all emails and taken all calls with H in the room. There has been some "non business" matters discussed; all of which has been shared with H to keep him in the loop.

MM is filing for divorce. He has also made it known that he wishes for us to get together, though he is keeping far away from me to allow me to make my decision about my marriage without his pressuring me. I have told him that I really want the chance for time to pass so that I can work on my marriage, possibly explore MC if need be, before I make my final decision. He claims his need to divorce transcends our A, that he has concluded that his M had long since run its course.

All that said, I did, without question, fall intensely in love with MM. Even prior to the DDay, there had been discussion about the possibility of our leaving our marriages. Of course, now that it's all so "real" it's amazing how frightening and emotionally gut-wrenching such a thought really is.

On the flip side, suffices to say, I feel horrible about what I did to H. I realize this is near meaningless, as if I'm so sorry, why did I submit to the A in the first place, and moreover, why did I let it go on for so long. No excuses for my behavior, I know that.

In the aftermath, my H and I are doing OK, in that we've had many, many deep discussions. It blows my mind what a wonderful man H is. The forgiveness, the caring, the loving and total support he's demonstrating clearly illustrates how much better a person he is than me. If it weren't for the two major EN's that he wasn't/isn't satisfying of mine, there would be no question, I would be 100% committed to remaining married.

But the two areas I'm still wrestling with include my sexual needs and financial, two of the major EN's that were met and then some by MM. My H had floundered for a number of years with his career, as (admittedly) had I. Now, although H is on a clear career path, it's a path that will never bring us terrific financial stability, and it will require that I put in very long hours with my work (i.e. early mornings through late nights) pretty much for the remainder of my marriage. I love my work, but it's a rigorous schedule to keep. What's worse, H and I are in our mid 30's, we have no money saved to speak of and nothing saved towards our retirement. The fact that neither of us has been as fiscally prudent as we should leaves me frightened for our future. And twice during our M, H was fired from his jobs. He's extremely smart and reliable, has extremely good work ethics. He just fell short of what his bosses wanted in his work performance (both jobs were poor matches). But still... the insecurity this gave me was notable.

More over, I have yet to feel any inclination towards sex with my H. We've been actively being intimate all along, including since DDay, and we're trying very hard to.... well, work at this. But my concern is that I never really had a sexual compatability to my H in the first place. I was married when I was rather young and still very sexually timid; I was actually relieved that we did not engage very often in sex in those first couple of years. It wasn't until I began to mature in this sense that I began to discover how little attraction I have towards H in this regard.

You probably know what's coming. Assuming MM follows through with his divorce, I will be faced with the -- right or wrong, opportunity to enter a relationship in which I can pursue my dream career -- MM has already expressed a desire to support me on whatever direction I wish to take this path, finances will never be an issue again. And I have never experienced sensual and sexual intimacy like that with MM -- not even with H in the early part of our relationship, as I was still very immature in that regard back then. Yes, I feel very much more emotions and feelings surrounding MM and all he is; our common interests and aspirations, etc. I've just highlighted the two most obvious points in question.

I want to think that my feelings for H will somehow come around. I DO love and care very much for him; the thought of leaving him and never seeing him again is paralyzing! But I can recall many instances during my marriage in which I harbored "crushes" on coworkers and others in our social circle.

I'm just so confused as to how "far gone" my marriage is, about whether this whole situation is really the result of losing a certain compatability with H. Or is this all just part of the fog? H is aware of my conflict, and is giving me an incredible amount of space as I work through this.

Any and all input is welcome. I know what I did was so horrible, and I realize I should just be grateful that I have such a forgiving and loving spouse. Why can't I just cut this event from my life and move on. But I still very much love and miss MM.

oatmeal

Give your marriage at minimum ONE YEAR to recover.

During that year, NO CONTACT with OM.
OM is not a good guy. Good guys don't ask women to break their vows.

You have NO REASON to trust OM to be more faithful to you than he was to his wife.

Best of luck

and

WELCOME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

oatmeal:

There are a number of things I want 2 comment on:

♣"both of our spouses are, at least as of now, wishing to save our marriages."

They sound like good people 2 me.

♣"There has been some limited contact (phone, email) between MM and me since DDay (mostly business-related, which cannot be avoided)."

Think long and hard about this. My W's OM was a consultant for her when their 2nd A started about 5 years ago. He continued 2 consult for her for another year and a half after d-day. I tried 2 get her 2 fire him or have someone else at her work interact with him, but she wouldn't comply with my wishes. I ended up letting her make her own decision about that in her own time. The result has been that it's now 37 months since d-day and I still don't know for certain that contact ever ceased.

This "cannot be avoided" point needs 2 be thought through very carefully. Rarely is it truly the case. And every day you postpone doing the right thing (NC for the rest of your life), the greater the chances are that your H won't care 2 save your marriage. Think about it. Think about moving. Think about changing jobs.

♣"There has been some "non business" matters discussed; all of which has been shared with H to keep him in the loop."

Why have any discussions with OM at all? You shouldn't be concerned about keeping your H in the loop, you should be focused on getting OM OUT OF the loop. Let him deal with his own loop. He doesn't have any right in your loop. Let him go loop himself, if you will.

♣"He has also made it known that he wishes for us to get together, though he is keeping far away from me to allow me to make my decision about my marriage without his pressuring me."

*THIS* is nothing less than insideous, conspiratorial, manipulative, selfish, disgusting pressure. End of Story.

♣"I have told him that I really want the chance for time to pass so that I can work on my marriage, possibly explore MC if need be, before I make my final decision."

There is no time like the present. In fact, there is no time BUT the present. You're either in or you're out. Make your decision now. But keep in mind that you are being extremely selfish if you intend 2 keep the OM "in the wings" in case your H doesn't meet with your specifications for the fu2re.

♣"he has concluded that his M had long since run its course."

Did his vows 2 his W include the following: "As long as we both shall feel like it"? Or "As long as we both shall live" and "for better or for worse"? If he's doing this 2 his W, what makes you think he won't do it 2 you? (and sooner rather than later).

♣"All that said, I did, without question, fall intensely in love with MM."

What you are describing is "passion", "romantic love", or even "chemical love" (meaning endorphines in your brain make you feel good). All of these are fleeting, especially if they aren't built on a "real love" base. Real love is a choice, not a feeling. You say you love your H, but then you say you're in love with the OM. You can't feel in love with your H while you're conflicted, but you can renew that passion if you end contact with the OM.

♣"The forgiveness, the caring, the loving and total support he's demonstrating clearly illustrates how much better a person he is than me. "

Sounds like a set of admirable traits. Sounds like you, in particular, admire those traits in him. You probably are capable of eschewing those traits yourself, if you can stop demeaning yourself for what you've "done" and realize your own potential. I have never met or spoken with your OM, but I KNOW for a FACT that he is not forgiving (he has 2 start with himself for not letting his W meet his needs, then his W for not apparently meeting his needs, then you for having an A with him and pulling him away from his primary relationship). He's very definitely not caring - he lied and cheated his own family and stole your affection from your H. I would argue he's not loving either, because he had an A with someone else's H because it made him feel good. That's being selfish, not loving. He's certainly not supportive of his W if he's planning 2 DV her and "wait" for you 2 make your decision. He's not supportive of you either, unless you consider being a paragon of broken moral compasses is a vir2e.

I would like 2 recommend a book for you 2 read: "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. Schnarch is a sex therapist, but the book isn't just about sex therapy (though it is an awesome treatise on that subject). The introductory chapters will be of great help 2 you and your H. But ONLY IF you erradicate the OM from your life. You must at some point soon stop comparing the SF you had with your H and the OM. Start over. Be emotionally healthy before you get 2 deep in2 this. I worry that you're stigmatizing your relationship with your H and keeping a barrier in place between you because of this hanging on2 the memory of SF with the OM.

♣"You probably know what's coming. Assuming MM follows through with his divorce, I will be faced with the -- right or wrong, opportunity to enter a relationship in which I can pursue my dream career -- MM has already expressed a desire to support me on whatever direction I wish to take this path, finances will never be an issue again."

Yeah, we knew it was coming. We've seen it before. First and foremost, though: If you do the RIGHT THING (go 2 NC immediately and forever) there will be no reason 2 be faced with a decision about whether 2 hook up with the twit or not - you won't KNOW ANYTHING about what he's doing. IT'S NOT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS. You owe the OM NOTHING but your SILENCE.

If, on the other hand, you do keep OM "in the loop", he DVes his W, and you marry him, good luck. Statistically, you have somewhere between a 1-3% chance of still being 2gether 5 years from now.

-ol' 2long

If he will do it with you...he will do it to you.

In His arms.