Met WH for lunch today. He offered to take me to my favorite place. Says he had a bad weekend. For some reason, i wonder why, he has decided to quit all his training to concentrate on doing the divorce paperwork full time. I was good through the whole experience. The only time I became emotional was when we discussed my cat. He says I can visit her when I like. Somehow it didn't really help.

I couldn't help feeling empty through it all. I knew it was coming and I was prepared but still, I'm faced with the finality of it all and it still doesn't feel right. Nothing in the world seems right now.

I finally made an appointment with a therapist on Thursday. I really hope they can help. I need to let go but I can't no matter how much he sickens me.

Ivy, why is he taking your cat? Why cant you have the cat? I'm just curious about that one...He's the one who strayed, so he should be the one who loses the cat! JMO

Because I was the one who had to leave the house. His parents have become very attached to the cat and she is used to living there so he thinks she would be better off with them even if he someday moves out. When we first seperated he told me she would be the only thing he and his family would refuse to give up and now, being that she's been with them for the last 8 months, I feel like I don't have much of a claim to her. You know, to top it off, he doesn't even feed her or clean her litter box. His mom does it all for him.

On the bright side, he said it looked like I had lost weight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You know, this divorce would be so much easier if all of the horrible things he did and how sick knowing them makes me, made me not love him still.

Maybe it's because I feel like he's still the one calling all the shots. After the info I found out this weekend, I kind of feel like he doesn't deserve to get off so easily but I really don't know what to do now.

Because I still love him I tend to let him walk all over me and give him everything he wants. It's so hard to stick it to the person who you thought was the one you would spend your life with. It's so hard to look into his eyes know that even though they still look like the same caring eyes, there is no love left in them for me.

Wishing it was Thursday. I'm starved for affection. I know I don't deserve this. I know I'm a good person. Why do these things always happen to me? I want to make people happy including myself but I always just end up being taken advantage of.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I don't deserve this. I know I'm a good person. Why do these things always happen to me? I want to make people happy including myself but I always just end up being taken advantage of.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did nothing to deserve this. You are a giver by your nature. Its what makes you a beautiful person.

Unfortunately, people who are takers by their nature cannot respect your gift, because (IMHO) I don't think they even respect themselves. The affairs, to my way of thinking, are a band-aid on their bottomed out self-esteem.

There are varying levels of emotional security about one's attractiveness. The most juvenille is the conquest mentallity. WS's often say that they really thought they could have the best of both worlds. To me, this is just juvenille, because it lacks any real sexual confidence. Without recent conquest, they start to fall apart and realize that they are really nothing.

A more mature confidence comes when you realize you ARE attractive. It becomes more appealing to realize that NOT just anyone can have you. This is what attracts others of high self-esteem. I'd FAR rather be known as that VERY hard to get guy, than the $0.25 man-whore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In the early days of discovery, i had as many odd thoughts as everyone else. But I read a letter from MIL., "...be patient. This likely has little or nothing to do with you." and realized that it is not MY ego that is bruised. I'm o.k. actually.

Believe me Ivy. Its not you. Its him.

When you start to realize this about yourself, he may come out of the fog long enough to realize what a f#^k-up he's become.

He may actually see you for what you are.


cheers...

I know he will figure that out sometime. I actually think he's starting to figure that out but he's not willing to admit it.

Either way, even though I'll always wonder if we could have made it and how much I want to try, there's no way I could forgive him for what he put me through this year.

It's not only the A. It's who it was with, it's the being thrown out, it's the total lack of caring that he showed for me.